What just happened? Kramer's journey continues

[Kramer]

OK, I am going to post my latest interaction with my wife, and welcome any input, both good and bad. Please keep in mind that I am here because I want to save my marriage. I value everybody’s input, and try to do what I feel is best under my specific circumstances. Just because I do not adhere to advice does not mean that I do not value that advice. It simply means that I may have been too scared, too hardheaded, too proud, or didn’t plan things out well enough. Trust me, I am very receptive to advice, especially from those who have gone through things and came out on top. I will get this. Please continue to work with me. Call me out when I screw up. Be direct, but constructive. You don’t have to sugarcoat things, either. Just keep working with me. Please.

Sandi, before I even relate my story, I will be up front and tell you that I received your latest advice too late. I did leave my door unlocked, and my wife did come by. I see why you said what you did, and I am hoping you can give me your perspective and further advice with the knowledge that I did have an interaction with my wife.

As I stated, my wife came by early this morning. She came into my room, and asked if she could lie down next to me. We were both fully clothed. She backed up into me and we cuddled for a while and didn’t say anything. After a few moments, she asked if it would be more comfortable with our clothes off, and started to kiss me. I told her “Yes, and no”. Let’s just cut to the chase, and say that yes won out. I know, I’m weak. What can I say? It’s been 8 months. I’m going to give some details, because I think they may be relevant. She was very responsive. She insisted on kissing and holding. She and I were BOTH satisfied. Trust me on this, I know the physiologic signs…it wasn’t faked. Afterwards we fell asleep in each other’s arms for about an hour. She made it a point to place my hand over her breast and snuggled close to me, just like old times. Round 2 took place with similar results.

At this point, I went to the kitchen and got coffee and we talked. She asked me what I meant earlier when I said “yes and no”. I explained to her that while I was willing to enjoy the moment with her, I was conflicted because it likely meant something different to me than it did to her. She cried when I said this. I asked her about what just happened and why she came over, and she said that she wanted to see if it was awkward. I asked her if it was awkward and she said “No. Actually it feels like we just hit the pause button and things felt just the same as when we were together”. I agreed with her. She apologized again for making a mess of things and having affair. She said that I had been miserable for so long, and I acknowledged that. I told her that if there was a silver lining, it was that these events have allowed me to see my fallacies and work on self improvement and self love, and to come to the realization that happiness comes from within.

She again asked why and how I could still love her after what she did. I told her that my marriage vows meant more to me than her, apparently. More tears.

She asked if I was happy because she was gone. I gave her an analogy of a person who loses his sight in adulthood. He adapts and hones his other senses and is able to make his way in the world, but he always misses his vision because he knew what it felt like. I explained to her that although I am able to make my way in the world, there is still a hole where our love used to be. She seemed to grasp the analogy and started crying again. We talked about family things and day to day life. She took a shower, got dressed, hugged some more, and then left.

Some observations:
She made it a point to wear clothing that I had bought for her when she came over, as well as the perfume that I had given her. She was also wearing her ring, which she has not been doing.

She made it a point to look over my house as she was leaving. This is the first time she has been in the house since we split. I have replaced all of the furniture that she took, and I am an excellent housekeeper. The house looks good. She almost seemed to be taken aback that I wasn’t living out of boxes and folding card tables. I do wonder if she felt that I didn’t need her anymore.

We did not talk about the elephant in the room, namely her (likely ongoing) affair, as well as what her thoughts are on our relationship.

So there you have it, and all the sordid details. I’m sure I messed up on multiple levels, but it is what it is. I don’t know what happens next, but if I’m being honest, I enjoyed the moment. The last 6 months of our relationship were so bad and loveless, and if nothing else, I will have the memory of making love to my wife one last time. I also realize that I am still desireable. My self esteem had taken a huge hit when we split. Was it a game on her part? Perhaps, but keep in mind that she approached me, not the other way around.

My plans for the next few days are to get away. My sister has a place in Tahoe, and I will head up there Friday after work. I talked to my wife this morning and thanked her for coming over, and told her that she was just as beautiful and sexy and exciting as I remembered. I will leave it at that for the time being. Will anything come of this? Probably not. I do realize that I don’t want to be a booty call or friend with benefits if she stays with OM. But now I can make that call on my own terms.

Fire away.