Well things are still chugging along... so journaling.
Went to W's after grabbing S to walk the dog .. had to look everywhere for his leash .. doing so seen her tablet .. the 'list' of things she wanted to change about herself was right there. Yeah I peeked ...self 2x4 imposed for snooping ... all things I think she should work on ... controling, anger, .. was like the top 10 list of MLC issues ... #7 was "Uncertain about my marriage" ... at first that stung but I realized ... well yeah ofcourse she isn't sure, if she were we would be either D or back together. I also noticed the page before that ... was dated a few months ago .. a timeline of events between her and OM, this was interesting in a bit .. alot of she dumped him, he calls and apologizing, he dumps her .. she calls apologizing. Seems the timeline was done a few months ago .. almost looked like she was writing it all out and talking herself into ending the A as the timeline was full of ups n downs .. she keyed on the downs. I was actually kinda unphased, realizing that MLC brain was about as organized as spaghetti
She came by later, grabbed S, and I went off to my last RCIA class. I had a good PMA going .. have been for a few days now. I am trying to figure out what/how/where to be involved with at the parish ... either sponsor for RCIA, I would like to help in the family/marriage thing but figure I should get my side of the street clean first .. maybe something with kids .. I am not sure. They discussed they need more photographers ... W has dabbled in that for years, I shared this with her ... just like a DB invite, mentioned they are looking for help there, I thought of her .. did not volunteer her or anything like that but if she was interested she could call the office ... she actually brightened up and shared with me some meet-up group stuff she was wanting to do there.
I GAL'd and went out with a buddy after, talked a bit .. we have been friends almost 20 years .. we just were amazed how fast time goes, he was happy to hear about W and I trying, and planning on going to the weekend retreat .. he is one of 2 people that knows my sitch completely ... non judgmental .. thinks I may be a bit crazy but he already knew that ...lol
Tomorrow a friend of mine has her son coming into my office to 'shadow' me for a few hours for his "Career Day" ... looking forward to that ... and the 3 day weekend to come
Been a bit since I've updated .. I have been around reading and posting here n there.
I have noticed W seems to have pulled back, not sure if she is going back into crisis mode ...I lean more towards her trying to figure things out .. you can almost see she is trying to come to grips with the new person she is, like watching a baby giraffe walk for the first time.
There is a new detachment going on .. usually this would be my cue OM is back around, but from the STFU intel she told me she is being 'selfish' and figuring out herself .... I almost laughed at the 'selfish' remark as I can not recall her any other way.
She took a class on Sunday for her photography, she really enjoyed it ... I was happy she did .. she shared that she met a new friend (female) and they hit it off, this is hard for her so I shared that I was happy about that. She went about her day, did shopping and came by to pick up S, said she had produce so she had to leave .... vibe has been off lately so I told her that was fine, I stayed home and watched a few shows... declined her half hearted invite to come over.
Yesterday I woke early, went for a nice walk with the dog, did some house cleaning ... she TM asking what the dog and I were doing .. we agreed to meet up around noon and go for a hike .. I showed up about 30 min late knowing they would not be ready ... she noticed .. I told her its a holiday and I was taking my time (180 for me ... Mr Prompt) The hike was a bit frustrating for me, S brought his bike and was struggling a bit .. she had her headphones on and just kept going while I was helping him ... not just once but during the entire 2 hours. I did not voice anything but just thought .. wow .. its like she is back in the tunnel and totally self absorbed again.
After we went to the batting cages for S, she asked if I recieved an email from BIL2 and his 50th Bday party ... I told her I had'nt ... she was upset as she did not get one either only found out from BIL1, made a few comments about BIL2 and I simply stated "I wish you got along better with him" ... she heard this as "You are a horrible person and no one likes you any more" So she started in on me a bit on the way home, we were going to go to my place and she was going to take a nap while I made dinner for S .... instead I drove straight to her place and dropped her off ... she asked why I un-invited her to my place, I told her I was not going to spend the day fighting.
A few long spew TM where she spun out followed .. I did not reply ... then she calmed down and TM a bit after telling me things like I expect her to be close, why would she do that so fast (I had to bite my STFU stick on this) She is trying to figure herself out ... she is chasing her dreams she set aside 20 years ago...I tell her she looks fine but dont encourage or support her when it comes to looking better (Yet it was me who suggested we go hiking rather than sitting and watching a movie)
So either she is heading back into the tunnel, or maybe she is just closing the doors ... time will tell .. she did calm down and state we have alot of issues and thats why we are going on the retreat ..... I am all for fixing this marriage but I just do not know if W is someone I want to be with anymore .. she is still so self absorbed, if she does not want to do something she will not do it ... yet she expects to be entertained (said there was not fun between us, no excitement .. during spew) I noticed I am different around her ... like I am on SpewWatch 2015 and its hard knowing any mis-step, bad word, stumble results in Monster mode still .... no thanks I was better off alone.
I sense that W is floundering all by herself and she's looking around for some 'guidance' on a way forward. I suspect that attending Retrouaville will aid her process and you two will, hopefully, connect better after attending the retreat. All we can do is be patient and push forward.
Thanks Wonka .... its strange at times I see the old her and its frustrating as thats the girl I remember .. then there is this 'other' her .. selfish, entitled, arrogant .. that one I would rather not spend time with. Seems there are some MLC bits fighting with the old W bits ... time will tell who wins out. In the meantime I am trying to stay out of the blast zone, keep working on me.
Forgot to share ... Saturday night we were at W's place watching a movie .. she fell asleep (just after 8) ... again... this is starting to get to me, along with being distant and our lack of connection, its like she feels so comfortable with me around that she allows herself to just sleep (I do not think she has slept much in this entire crisis) ... or she is that disinterested in me that she checks out .. either way it makes me feel unwanted. So I gathered up my stuff and took S to my place, she woke apologized .. I told her it was ok, she was tired, hope she could get some sleep S and I had a big day planned Sunday.
S and I went to mass, W actually showed up which suprised me .. she did leave early to go to her thing. After mass the RCIA group had a pot luck, lots of food and the RCIA members plus family there and we were, 3 of us were asked to give our faith stories. The first guy spoke of his experience, wild childhood .. drugs, military, 'growing up' .... he spoke and rambled for a long time. But I kind of know him and it was nice to get to know some detailed things he may not have shared one on one.
My turn came up ... I had outlined what I wanted to share but chose rather than to follow a script I would just speak from my heart ... my S was in the crowd, not sure if I had ever told him a few of the things I shared, in fact I know I have'nt, things about my youth .. so he learned a few things .. but I pretty much told MY story .. leaving out the Crazy MLC part if anything painted myself out to be more the cause for the separation than anything .... I got to a point I laid it all out there and I shared how Ego and Anger can consume and ruin you, how I struggled so long with those two, what I did and how I found peace, just how I decided to not be 'that guy' I looked around and there were people actually crying. After the event a few came up and told me they were touched by my story .. I was taken back with that ... I really did not think it was anything 'moving' but maybe there was .. maybe someone could learn and take something from what I said ... I did feel I spoke well and from the heart.
This has me thinking, I am not sure where nor how .. but I want to give back, in some capacity to the church, regardless of what happens to my M, they saved me, they have no idea .. but as bad as 2014 was, 2015 has been a down pour of blessings and for that I am thankful.
So after a not so great weekend ... well it was not so great but not so bad all in one ya know? I sit here (slow day at work) and have been reading the boards, replaying some events in my head and one thing stood out.
The walk around 'our' ('Our' implying me, S and W) lake ... we did 3 plus miles .. jogwalking it. My S asked if we could go fishing .. I gave him the sure buddy .. he asked "tomorrow?" .. I laughed and said no .. its back to work and school ... but made me warp back to when I was a kid, I wanted so bad to just be with Dad fishing, ironically we went more after I left home than we ever did when I was right there. I think my father realized that a bit to late .. and I just realized it now. So I checked out a few places here online (I am a Nebraska boy and know all the spots back home) I TM W letting her know I plan on taking S this weekend, possibly camping but for sure fishing, depending on the playoff game Thursday would impact when we go, but now thinking I want to have him overnight Saturday so we can head out bright and early Sunday morning. W thought it would be great and S would love it ... I told her she is welcome to join (Honestly do not care if she goes or not .. I know she will be off taking pictures either way, with us at the lake or out n about). I asked her to not 'spill the beans' as I want it to be a surprise for S. This opened her up a bit and she has been chatty via TM ... push pull anyone? She shared she is looking forward to the trip I booked in Sept. up north... told me SIL lost her job, asked for my tech help on a gadget she bought for her neck ... smh ... they do bounce all over the place do they not? lol.
Strange how this thing has been working, I do hope somewhere out there someone finds these little bread trails helpful .
wow, you had a lot going on this weekend. I really like how you stand up for yourself, in such a calm and mature way, it helps me a lot fyi!
You have got yourself a handful Cali! I am really glad you found this place and your mentors to help teach you the tools to handle it. I am very confidant that it is helping you through each situation. This MLC stuff......boy is it a test of our strength or what?
You are doing a great job
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
She is a mess. That's the honest truth of it. Imagine having to figure out all the cr@p she has to figure out? Why she went into crisis, facing the affair and STD, figuring out what she is going to take from the crisis and what she is going throw back. Then having to figure out how to face whatever it was she needs to face from her childhood. Its a whole lot. Not a cake walk.
So, she is looking to you to lead her out, gently, while still allowing her to figure it out.
The key for you is to keep to your path, but, remain open to the possibilities. She spooks when you move too close and panics when you move away. I know you feel like you are walking a tightrope.
But you are doing it. And its ok to take a time out, or remove yourself as long as you are doing it respectfully.
The reconnection process is as challenging and maybe more so than the MLC. My ex has started very recently to reconnect. It is a process that feels like you are trying to get across a pond jumping from lily pad to lily pad. Full of hazards and fraught with frustration. I am trying to approach it like I am going to push a peanut up a mountain with my nose. Its going to take lots of effort, long hours and a will to not give up. There will be setbacks but it can be accomplished.
You are doing great! Give her encouragement when she needs it. Try not to give her specifics about herself just a broader approach and philosophy. Be her beacon of hope but don't carry her.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
I agree w/Lifes Twists. Reconnection takes a of time and effort, as well as patience. She's not going to suddenly wake up and understand why she did the things she did or focus on the destruction that she created. Just as she slowly went into crisis, the same will happen w/her re-entering the real world. She will do things the exact opposite of what she did going into crisis. She's going to need a lot of space, time and patience. You can't rush the process now.
Reconnection is the hardest part of the journey because the spouses and/or former spouses begin to see them waking up and yes, they want to hurry up and rush the process. If you attempt to do so, they will shy away and up the tunnel they go for a bit. The best thing to do is be a friend, listen to what she has to say and do not offer up a lot of advice or point out things she's said or done while in crisis. You will have an opportunity a bit later on to have discussions w/her about that time in orbit. For now, patience, patience and more patience.
Hang in there and know that every thing you are doing is on target, but you are going to have to dig deeper for patience.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
uR: I dunno about doing great .. I feel like I am falling into that "Lets hurry up and get back to normal routine" but I do feel some peace when I see her do certain things I know ... like you said... she has a full plate sitting in front of her, besides all the things you listed there is still the on going health issues, and all the stress this brings is not good, she has aged about 5 years in the last 12 months ... and for the MLC consumed with aging, looks, and missing out this has taken a toll on her. I see her resorting to the MLC ways and avoiding, filling her time with working out or doing photography (which is better than OM) ... She seems to be working, slowly .. filling her idle time and trying to still chase that ball of happiness.
LT: I could not agree with the lily pad analogy more .. provided every other one is armed with C4. I think you are right, I do see that I need to be patient and can not help but to think God is chuckling a bit here as patience and me never have danced well together.
job: You as usual .. spot on. I will say however being here this long, reading this much, learning all I have I have figured out how to read the signs quicker, little spew sessions I can tell they are not always about me or anything I have done, more about here lashing out in pain with the turmoil that is in her head .. early on I would feed that Monster ... now that Monster is on a Gluten-Cali free diet and has lost a good deal of weight.
Lesson ... Patience Patience Patience, and continue to keep some sense of detachment. Be the rock/lighthouse/guide ... all I can do is keep doing what I am doing, wake up every day and know I am doing the right things, not the easiest mind you .. but I still feel I am doing the right thing.
