This is like therapy. Time to release some demons.
I was letting the people that hurt me continue to hurt me. All the kids that picked on me, all the women that cheated on me. It got to where I was afraid of an actual relationship or to commit to one thing. Always thinking, I'm not good enough, they are just going to hurt me any way, I don't want to do this, whatever the reasoning was. I looked for woman that I could easily turn down, or ones that were not happy in their current state. Whether that be married, boyfriend, whatever. I never thought I would be able to have a solid foundation.
In my current stich, I was always looking for a way to get out because I was getting to close. I never really let my heart go, or my feelings out. I was to scared to say if something was bothering me, and never wanted to be too happy. If I showed my happiness, I would be hurt again, or left again. I literally would flirt with anyone that gave me the time of day, and think I could have sex with them and move on. Never really get to know the person, or what they were. In my M, I was getting there, but it was while we were dating. After wedding it just got worse.
She never told me what she really wanted, I couldn't guess. But even if I could I probably would have passed it off, not cared like I should, and just ignored her anyway. I see all of this, I know where my problems lay, I just don't know how to fix them exactly. I can't afford therapy right now, I can barely afford to just get by. I guess my only course of action is to keep getting it out. Talk about it, keep seeing what I am writing down. And yes I mean writing, I have tens of pages of stuff that I just write down when I feel like it. Being honest is helpful, but who can I be honest to. I just don't know. I feel like being honest to the W, but now is not the time. I feel like being honest to friends and family, and I have, but I hate bothering them. Everybody has their own lives, and needs to live them.
I will just keep being honest in here for now. Being honest with myself. I have been thinking lately, that the only reason I got married was because of the kiddo. Did I ever really love the W, can I really say that I can love someon fully. Right now that answer is a big no. All I ever wanted to do was fix her, solve her problems for her, it was all about her, and it just can't be. I let myself down, by not working through my problems on their own merit. I just thought it's normal, I don't need to have sex with my W, I don't need to be there for her, only when I thought it was right. The only time it mattered was when it pleased me. I was such a terrible person. I don't believe that's me at all, but I have to find out for sure.
