Rebuilding my Castle...

[LoisB]

As far as the recent posts...I appreciate the thoughts and support. I've learned so much on these boards and received so much support.

I'm not sure it's helpful to tell anyone on an Internet forum that they have serious problems. I realize the boards leave a lot of room for conjecture and it's hard to always get a handle on what people are really going through/trying to express.

I can assure you, I'm OK. I've been under a lot of stress. And, I've had some validation from others in real-time that I'm experiencing my own power/value and this may come off, on here, as bitterness. In truth, feeling and expressing that anger has been an awakening for me to accept people for who they are.

The anger comes in waves, like the sadness, and each time, I get a little closer to letting it go.

I realized this week that I don't obsess about Matt anymore. He isn't in my thoughts 24/7. He is on a shelf in my brain, as opposed to being in the spotlight.

I grew up in a very constipated environment where my every feeling and need was either ignored, discredited, belittled, controlled, judged, etc...It was a very, very stifled, abusive childhood. I felt guilty when asking my mother to make me breakfast even at the age of 5 or 6. My needs were never respected or taken seriously.

My parents did their best. And, I'm sure I've passed some of those qualities onto my kids...One of the few ways my parents were able to be there for me, was financially. And, I'm grateful.

And, I know I still have to deal with my dad. Ick.

I've also been living in poverty with a beggar mentality for a long time. That experience didn't blossom in a vacuum. It happened over years and years...It became the norm. Now that I'm smashing the norm, I've needed some anger in order to maintain the energy to keep going. It's also helped by providing some adrenalin to look at my situation with clarity.

I'm accustomed to people telling me, "Heather, this is who you are. These are your limitations. This what you should do. This is what you need to do. This is what you can't even think of doing because you aren't capable."

I've felt for a long time now that the boards could be served with some guidelines/suggestions for posting responses based only on the posting person's experience. There's a lot of "You need to do such-and-such..." These journeys we take are so profound and deep, I'm really beginning to appreciate how each person has a different path with a unique set of issues to face.

In my counseling sessions and out, I'm becoming aware of how important it is to express my feelings and quit beating myself up. I've been in a pressure cooker for 3 years now.I made decisions, good and bad, in an effort to keep moving forward and keep everyone fed and loved...

I wasn't raised in an environment...and I certainly didn't have a marriage, where it was safe for me to express whatever feelings I have.

I learned early to stuff the stress. Even if I handled the stress poorly, my instincts have told me I HAVE to let it out...

The consensus I'm getting...transitions aren't always pretty. I'm emerging from decades of living in a rigid, emotionally-harsh environment to one of my own creation...something more akin to the loving childhood I didn't experience.

I have a lot of issues to work through still. My suggestion to anyone new on the boards...FEEL IT. EXPRESS IT. Whatever you may be feeling, let it out, somehow, someway. Don't stuff it and turn it inward.

Had a weird interaction with my mother...when is there ever a normal interaction with my mother? It was fairly illuminating in terms of our relationship. I think it was helpful in a strange way.

My mother is always on Facebook. So, on Mother's Day, I posted this funny video and a comment to my mother. I kept calling her and reaching out to her to tell her to look.

Finally, at the end of the day, she calls me in tears. She is lonely and missing everyone...I guess Me? I don't know. She is, mainly, however, upset because the high school sweetheart she loved and thought she was reuniting with is seeing someone else and rejected her. She found this out about a year ago. She goes on and on crying to me and how she misses him and all this...

I realized she never looks at my Facebook page. I'm an afterthought. That's fine...before I get the..."Heather, what do you expect..." I get it. That's who she is...

But, have you ever known something in your brain, but weren't able to digest it in your heart? This was one of those times.

She is in her own strange world. And, I'm an afterthought. All these times I've been trying, over and over and over and over, to convince Matt that I'm worthwhile and valuable and worth his effort...I think I've really been trying to convince my mother...who has always had something or someone more important. I share it here because, besides my sister--who I did reach out to, I don't have anyone else who knows my mother or understands our history.

When I met with the counselor with the Asperger's expertise she explained some things that were really helpful in terms of my growth and D12's. She believes I have some strong traits.

As a child, kids on spectrum, more than other children, listen the to "RULES" of life. We take these rules very seriously and accumulate them from friends, family, even TV. Because we take the rules so seriously, we tend to doubt our own perceptions of the world.

So, and I see this with the company in particular, someone does something that is socially or politically a bit difficult to digest...we question. The main clue we usually have as to the reality, is our feelings.

In other words, I have a hard time trusting my own perceptions because I'm used to following a very literal view of the world. I will drive myself into the ground trying to please and fulfill those "rules" until my feelings give me a sound reason to stop. I.E. The company email...even though I've known for months that this company is run by jerks.

Also, people with Asperger traits deal with stress differently. For me, getting out the door to work is a huge ordeal. Tripping on my way out the door is enough for me to feel enormous frustration and "Why God! Why Me!" It's vital for me to express those, even ridiculous feelings of frustration, in order to move forward. Otherwise, those frustrations build and, before I know it, I'm lost in a pity party.

Feel it, express it, move on.

Once I express it...I can't tell you how quickly I get to the moving on stage. But, no matter how silly, bitter, whatever...it's absolutely paramount, that I allow myself to feel it in a safe way...

This board has been, up until recently, my method of letting those feelings out, moving on.

I guess that's why I was a bit surprised when I got these responses that I had serious problems. Here, I had moved forward, even forgotten what I wrote, had this great day and then...I was told, whoa, I'm not as OK as I thought...

I guess I've reached another wave in this process where I'm examining myself and my life experiences in a different way.

I just wish God would put up a Billboard telling me what my purpose is and what to do next. Where to go.