Make Love in the Middle of a Warzone

[Pyrite]

thanks guys. this happened several weeks back now. I didn't even mention because I thought I was just being pathetic and then i just got used to it. my threshold went way up at BD

The 2nd round of custody mediation, i mentioned there were a few tense moments. This was one of them. She started whining about how selling the house should be the first priority to discuss because it was so depressing for her to go back their week after week to find stuff like I had taken down our wedding photos.

In disbelief I said you've got to be kidding me. You're depressed. You've got everything you screamed for, now I am the one that has to find "the sheets" after your BF has stayed the night. She just yelled that he has never stayed the night - well back then anyway.

another great story about those particular sheets. several years ago my mate was getting married and told me he wanted black satin sheets like one of E-GFs had. So i bought them, but the week before the wedding his fiancé told me how much she hated satin sheets. Anyway, I kept them and bought something else. They became our "sexy" sheets. They hadn't come out of the cupboard for years.

i threw her sheets in her corner and took everything I used with me at the end of the week I took all of my clothes out, and some of the girls. I bought some big cargo bins, bought more clothes for the girls and now every week is like packing the car to go camping in a BYO everything holiday unit. Even take my own food. Every week I just throw any **** on the floor into her corner. Clean the house and then pick up kids from creche. every other week i stay at my Mums.

I am longing for my own place.

anyway, tonight was fine. she acts like nothing ever happened now. she's happy. i couldn't be bothered with putting on any front anymore. she told me about the school she visited to check out as if that was some major achievement and proof of her dedication. i went 3 weeks ago but didn't bother telling her. i wasn't stressed or angry or rude. I just don't have any time for her.

i have been in such pain. I expect people here understand. the physical pain where you can taste the colour of your brain as it squeezed in anguish. then the headache afterwards where you can feel the bruising and the internal bleeding. Your stomach in nots and your body aching like you are feverish. You can't even breath and gasp for breath in a panic.

Well it isn't all that bad anymore but I get "flashbacks" to being like this. The pain is much less now and it does subside quicker. I remind myself of how bad it "was", and even though this time feels like the end of the world - it is nothing compared to the first month. And, there is nothing new she can do to me that will ever be as bad.

So to repeat myself again - she has played her worst card and I am still here. What's more is that I am getting better. I accept now that my M is over. I don't want that M back anyway. I felt unloved for 4 years. I became suicidal at my lowest for **** sake. The person in front of me now that is my W, I don't want her either.

But I dont know why that should mean I am not going to come through this a better person. This has been something which I have struggled with. I can see and I have seen people grow bitter and twisted from this. Thats not going to happen to me. I know that it won't and it IS as simple as - because I don't want it to. That doesn't mean that I have to keep wanting the M back. I don't. That doesn't mean I have to force myself to like my W as she is - I certainly dont.

I do want what is best for my girls. IF W turns up on my doorstep in 3 years time, then all i am expecting is to treat her like any other prospective buyer.

thank-you beautiful people for listening and caring