Thanks for the replies. What's been amazing is her transformation over the past few weeks. Suddenly, everything in our relationship according to her has been negative. She says we moved too fast, that we got physical way too quickly, that she stayed with me all this time because she felt bad for me, etc. I know this is a result of her own fear and guilt, and she's justifying the A in her own mind.
I should lay out some details about our life that are important...
Before we met 9 years ago, a was in a life change mode. I was making bad choices, living above my means, running up debt, and not considering my future. I was out drinking, smoking, gambling, and headed down the wrong path. When we met, we met at a bar, singing karaoke. We are both very into singing, musical theater...anything performance related. She was still married to her first husband, and we in no way had any type of relationship other than seeing each other at the bar and singing. I didn't pursue anything until she told me one night that she was legally divorced and her husband was gone.
On our first official date, I told her everything out my life at that time. I revealed about my debt ($30,000) in credit card debt. It was probably the most honest, revealing first date anyone could have. We talked for hours about life, what we wanted, and how we could help each other through it. It was pretty amazing. Things went from there, and we had an amazing time, even though we were drunk half the time. When we fought, it was always after a night out singing and drinking. Nothing has EVER escalated to physical fights or even emotional abuse. But I quickly backed off drinking and reduced it to a more responsible level. I also have not gambled since before we met.
W makes more money than I do. We both have good jobs, and have solid, stable careers. She is very focused on saving, spending wisely, and debt reduction. Throughout our relationship and marriage, we have kept our finances separate, primarily at my insistence until my debt was gone. Admittedly, it took me awhile to get in the right frame of mind to commit to paying down my debt instead of just making minimum payments. Other than about $6,000 in recent medical bills from a kidney stone, all credit card debt is gone now. She did help me with paying down about half of the $30,000 in debt. This is a huge reason apparently that she strayed...she says she's tired of being my "meal ticket". I've never once considered it that way, and before the BD was ready to talk to her about turning all the finances over to her and letting her control the money. (Its what she wanted).
Also important is that I have a condo that I bought before we met. We live in a townhome that she bought after her divorce. I can't sell the condo, so I rent it out and the rent covers all but about $100 of the monthly expenses for the condo. My condo is entirely in my name, and where we live is entirely in her name.
I'm currently "sleeping" (more like staring at the ceiling) on the couch. I'm at a point now where I don't know if I should leave or stay.
My Daughter is my world, and I just want to be here for her. But staying is making it difficult to detach from W. I really have no specific "right" to be here, and I suppose W could kick me out at any time. But she says she wants me around because I'm a great father and she wants D and me to have a relationship. We have agreed that nothing that happens will change the way we feel about her.
If I leave or am asked to leave, I'll have to go to my parents house. Its about 45 minutes away and would take me over an hour to get to work everyday. I gave up most of my "friends" when I gave up the drinking/bar scene, especially after my daughter was born. The last few years have been entirely committed to my family. This is another point of recent conflict. I "have no life" other than W and D. I agree now that I need to GAL, but thought total committment was the way to go at the time.
I will stop for now, but the question is do I stay in the house, or do I go? I should add that the current ultimatum from W is that if I tell my parents, then we are 100% over, with no chance of fixing "us". I would obviously have to tell them at some point. Also, our parents share watching D during the day, and there is no issue with that ending no matter what happens. They will continue to watch her.
If I stay, I will really need to focus on how I act and db.
