Let's start with saying I have been working in the detachment post from the site. Writing down things that caused me to do what I did, and things that W did to make me feel the way I did. It's all past hurts, and past actions that have led to this stuff. I came from a very low income family, didn't have much, got picked on as a kid and teen. I had an abusive family growing up, never really learned how to act or what to do. My boundaries are all messed up. I allowed the W to take over my life. I gave up all of me, thought I had to make her happy, thought I had to fix things(she has arthritis and is only 28). Instead of letting her deal with her stuff or make her own decisions I controlled or tried to control every aspect.
I took it as far as hiding from my family from shame from her and my daughters. One of my sisters got addicted to pain pills, forged scripts got caught, and was in jail and rehab for a while, she has also been married twice and divorced twice. My other sister is okay, except she too is divorced, and her kids run kind of out of control. I just wanted to not have that in my life, or my families life. I see that it was wrong, trying to shield instead of letting them make their own decisions. Not to mention that I was holding all of that resentment against my family.
I have come to peace with my sisters, told them what my thoughts were and why I did what I did. Once again lesson learned. You can't change others or hope they will be different, you have to accept them for who they are. I've also totally lost all contact with friends. I tried to shield all the imperfections from my family there too. Also, I was having problems with thinking I was a sexual tiger and everybody wanted me. That was part of my sexual addiction problems. It's very hard to talk about this, but I have to get it out.
I have a friend whose wife made passes at me, and I ended up asking for sex from her, thankfully she was smart enough to turn down my advances. I tried to blame it on her because she started it, but it's not true because I didn't stop it. I made a decision to try and force the issue. I have to take responsibility for my actions. Another situation that happened. Another friend and his wife are constantly battling at least until recently. Once at an event she grabbed my crotch and not in a mean way. After that I never felt comfortable around them much. I have tried to go back, but it just seems weird. I tried to shield it all though. I think I just used to be the kind of guy that people gravitate too. I used to charismatic, full of energy, and easy to talk too. Maybe it's all in my head I used to think, but I just don't believe that. I need to get back to that, but keep a better boundary aspect in my life. I have to be comfortable and able to enjoy people and things. Sorry for the length, just needed to get some stuff off my chest.
Last edited by Cadet; 05/27/1508:48 PM. Reason: link
