Well. Pretty good day today. Minor slip up but not with any consequences.
I calmly and briefly asked my W if she had filed. She did not get upset with me and told me that no she did not. I thanked her for not getting upset about me asking and for us not making a big issue of it.
Other than that, positive and upbeat. Even that "conversation" was literally brief and to the point. No emotions. Just a question. An answer. And a thanks for letting me know and not getting upset.
One thing I'm having alot of trouble with is thoughts of this male friend of hers. I've been very forthright here on the boards about the role I played in the demise of our marriage. And have fully disclosed about the very brief EA that I had with an ex last May. It lasted only about a week or so. I met up with her twice. I did kiss her, but there was nothing physical beyond that. But I stopped it after the second meeting because I knew what I was doing was wrong and didn't want it to progress any further. My W found out and was, rightfully, devastated.
This betrayal of trust, along with my depression, are her main reasons she is where she is at today.
She swears that this friend of hers is nothing more. There is a part of me that believes her and thinks that maybe the worst case scenario is that he is a good guy that she could possibly be seeing greener pastures with. She's even said things like "Do you think if I was doing anything that I would ever have him around the kids?" I've asked her about this guy like 4 times and she has stayed consistent. It is also a topic that I absolutely cannot approach again because it is a cheeseless tunnel and it would probably be the last straw for her. She even blew up on me once and screamed at me that "I'm not the one who did those things. You were. I don't want to be with anyone and probably never will want to be with anyone ever again because of how much you f'ed me up".
But there is just something in my gut that thinks she is lying.
My honest self assessment is this: Even if she is lying and there is some kind of EA or PA going on: If I am successful at DBing and my wife chooses to want to try and reconcile, I would forgive her for it (if it is true) because I want her to forgive me for what I did. It would be hypocritical for me not to.
I just want us to be together. To be happy like I know we can.
But I'm having alot of trouble dealing with this added wrench and I'm conflicted if I should believe her or not.
She could be telling the truth. She could be lying. She could be making it seem like there is something going on because she seems like she is at a point where she is so angry with me she wants to punish me.
I'm never going to bring it up again because when she told me the "I'll probably never want to be with anyone ever again" I truly believed her in that moment. And I made a promise that I would trust her and never mention it again.
