drop the rope- part II

[Zephyr]

Thank you Sandi. This is wonderful stuff.

I know I will get $hit from this, but I've zero hard proof of an affair, only suspicions from feelings or 1/2 truths. My suspicions that there could be an EA with a guy from out if town or she could have already had affair with someone else here in town...both could be argued away easy by a crafty woman for sure. I have my doubts for her fidelity but if I'm wrong, if she is just been a pi$$ed off fed up woman who had had it and disconnected from her husband... I've never gotten the I want a divorce talk either.

Does this change anything from what you've written until she is ready to talk about what has been going on in her head?

[Elly4]

Zephyr, this is amazing stuff you're getting from Sandi and Cadet! I am so weak too, but when I catch myself pursuing, I come on here, admit it, and then move on. We are only human and are going to fall back on old habits rather easily. That's why we have each other on here. Every day is brand new...at least that's what I tell myself each day when I wake up with my dog instead of my husband.

I KNOW you can do this and have been doing this. It's hard this week for you, but next week might be brilliant. Just keep on DBing and GALing and it will become clearer.

{{{{{Zephyr}}}}}

[Zephyr]

Fun weekend, lots of stuff with kids, friends and family up in Michigan. Very happy with the way the weekend turned out.

One thing i learned is that i am starting to get more comfortable with my wife, as far as letting my guard down. i need to make sure that i do not slip back into old behaviours.

i also need to do a better job of trying to find a way to meet my own needs without relying on someone else. i am clearly not doing this well enough yet.

it gets tiring, that is for sure. i was hoping for a rejuvination in my energy this weekend, it just made me physically tired on top of already being emotionally tired. today is harder to keep a focus.

[Zephyr]

Last night swam a full mile, was the longest I've swam by a long distance since high school really. Very proud of that. Feels good still this AM.

What doesn't feel good is how much I feel like crap about having to pretend that I am not suspicious of wife. We went out for ice cream after S10,music program. 1/2 way through she got phone call....and left restaurant. Came back few minutes later and nothing. I started to get angry about it.

By the time we got home I was pi$$ed and she knee something was up. She asked of anything was wrong. I told her I was alright. I hated doing it it made me feel weak telling her nothing was wrong. I went swimming and reset myself.

The rest of the evening was uneventful...went to bed almost right when I got home. pMA in spite of this is hard. I don't want grumpy bear to come back.

[roist]

Good to hear about swimming progress.

The suspision and anger are v natural and fully understandable.........but they are not your friends. You need to part company with them for your sake.

I could repeat loads if stuff we both have read here but you know it already.

If it bothers you to that point, your gut instinct is probably right. That is what sandi would say. On the other hand it could have been anyone that rang. We tend to over analyses and put too much emphasis on some stuff.

I'm sorry this is difficult for you, but if there is EA/PA sooner or later it will have to come out. No other way of healthily getting past it. Brace yourself and prepare your boundaries. But as cadet would probably advise DO NOTHING at least until you have proof.

You'll get through this.

[Ripken8]

Roiste is right. THAT was prob the toughest period for me. When I "knew" something was going on, but she would never admit it or be honest with me (they never do).

So, I felt I had to play this game of doing nothing and assuming everything's ok. But when a text would come in, phone would ring or she left unexpectedly and didn't return until late, I died a little on the inside.

Even with the BD and her eventually admitting to the affair, that wasn't as bad as knowing and feeling constantly lied to.

You'll get through this and whatever else is ahead of you. Keep your PMA and GAL activities. Whether she is or isn't, you'll need them throughout your journey.

[Zephyr]

Thanks Roiste & Rip,

i know you guys are right. I guess i have been playing denial too long. I have this urge to just get in my car and start driving to see how long i go before anyone notices...i'll bet is is somewhere near Omaha.

On a serious note...i have to figure out what i am doing that is keeping me attached so much. Denial is one of the reasons for sure. using the kids as an excuse for being around the house so much is another.

I am going to drop the boys off at the library tonight, they can play magic with thier friends. I need to figure out something to do to stay out until they need to be picked up, or maybe ask the wife to do it so i can figure out something else instead. Why does that frighten me, getting out of my 'comfort zone'

tomorow, i have soccer practice then guitar and swimming so i'll be tied up.

friday we are going out with my brothers and thier spouses to do a paint & brew thing on the south side. i think that will be fun.

This weekend, i've nothing figured out yet except for 3 soccer games in the afternoon. me, wife & kids would usually do some kind of dinner together as a family after, do i need to stop that kind of stuff...no more family time. just drop them off at home and go do my own thing. that does not feel right, and there would be questions as to WHY. is this what i want?

Thanks guys / gals for letting me whine / vent / wallow.

[roist]

This is to place to whine, vent and wallow. Afterwards once you have let it out, you need to pay super attention with your interactions with your wife. You can't be cold or grumpy. Easier said than done, but that is what we need to try to achieve.

I'll leave the vets advise you on specific actions.

Also the urge to drive away is also natural. I used to often feel the same, but now I know what I want and I need to be home to achieve that. Like you there have been days when I have had to recenter myself and take time to decide how to proceed. That I have found to be important for me.

What specific WW actions were you thinking about implementing?

[Zephyr]

Roiste, none right now. It is just myself trying to trick me because I'm weak and I want some way for this to be finally behind me.

I have been lonely so long, enmeshed so long, unhappy so long that any positive signs I see ... I glom onto hoping this is the JumpStart I've been waiting for.

The reality is that wife and I are very far apart in our relationship and I still have a lot of work to do with my codependency with her. I can't just keep going through the motions.

Last night I ended up going to a writing workshop at the library. Very interesting. Side note: It turns out the group was a bunch of romance novelist women. I saw just a little irony there.

Today gonna be busy. Have to go get car tested for air pollution crap, go to wife's college for a reception for pics for her upcoming graduation. Then soccer...then dinner...then guitar and swimming.

[roist]

You are still there and still fighting. That shows strength not weakness.

I think you have been doing well with pma and GAL activities. Keep going but as someone suggested earlier maybe exclude your wife from some activities. idk.

It is tough to keep chipping away, but it can be done. I too wish it was behind me, but I am not yet the person I want to be. When I am and if that is not enough it won't matter as I will be who I want to be. Until then I hope to make the best of the gift of time.

This is going to take longer than any of us want. But it will be worth it.