Thanks dazedboy, marc_d, livnlearn, renew4me & KAW - legends all of you!!
To answer your quesi Renew4me - our first counsellor suggested I confront the OM - this guy WAS a mutual friend who just lives around the corner. My counsellor trained me in what to say - along the lines of 'give my wife and I space to work this out' - all very calm and no raised voices. The OM was shocked I was on his doorstep and didn't let me in and I told him I would be back to talk again. By the time I had got home he had rang my wife (how pathetic) and she was shocked to say the least - but my counsellor told me not to take her bait and I just replied that the OM and I have a relationship now. Her confusion was palpable -an amazing 180!(I'm not confrontational at all!). I did it again two days later - he rang her again and she flipped TOTALLY. Said she was moving out of the house and wanted me to bow out - that she had made her decision about seeing the OM for good! I was devastated - of course I believed her - but strangely I didn't beg her to reconsider (this before I knew of DBing). A bit of background - for a month my WAW and I had been doing 'process work' which our counsellor suggested whereby we sit down once a day and raise a topic about our relationship eg bad sexual experiences, why we were attracted to each other in the first place etc. First one person talks - then the other and NO ONE can interrupt!! And you can't discuss anything about the conversation afterwards. Well this had been working MIRACLES for us - because even though we were confronting some painful stuff - it gave us an intimacy that my wife was always CRAVING for - which the counsellor had planned to happen (V clever!). But after me confronting the OM - my wife told me she wanted NOTHING to do with having these talks again. I said fine - no worries - and the effect....for the FIRST TIME since we split (2 months after bomb) she came home from OM one night and said the words 'I MISSED YOU TODAY'- and proceeded to tell me how boring the OM was - I approached with caution. She had seemingly tripped herself up - because of me confronting the OM - she didn't want to talk anymore and discovered she missed me.
Their relationship has been on the slide ever since and I only ever discuss him in counselling - but I NEVER bag him -and guess what happens - she ALWAYS does and ends up telling me how he means NOTHING to her!!
So my tip for the day - I thought I had TRULY lost her FOREVER when witnessing her anger - but it turned out to WORK in MY favour. It constantly amazes me - just when you think you can't see through the darkness - a shaft of BLINDING light STRIKES to renew so much hope!!
And all thanks to healthy 180s, Acting As If and KILLING this damn woman with as much love as I can - even if she is KILLING me!! Cheers Evan
