This is my first post on DR site although I've been reading and relying on it for almost a year.
My husband and I have been married for 30 years and he left last summer saying he wasn't happy. I believe he was in crisis for six months prior to that.
He works in DC and was commuting home, we have a place here in Chicago where we were both born and raised as were our 3 daughters. I was spending as much time as possible in DC.
Living separate was his excuse for wanting a change but it was years of job changes, disappointments and relocations that caught up with us.
And paying for colleges for our children. EA was discoverd in July, he filed for divorce in August. OW was discovered in August, turns out she lives in Seattle where we had lived for 3 years prior to DC, he met her online.
Apparently he wants to moves back to Seattle ( his company let him go so he and his pride ran away) and she is part of the puzzle he is trying to piece together.
She's been divorced twice, not attractive at all and seems unintelligent. Not sure of the attraction.
Fast forward to Jan when he dropped the divore suit and starting reaching out more. Not much but a noticeable difference. He came home in mid April for a memorial and we spent the weekend together, no intimacy just hugs and kisses and he told me he loved me.
We spent last weekend together as well ( both times we stayed in separate rooms) and again he seemed very normal and very much like my husband except a better version.
We golfed, had dinners together and hung out with family. He hugged me at one point and said 'we're ok' not sure what that means since I've heard very little from him this week.
Two text messages regarding a sick friend. So, is he reconnecting? OW seems to be gone although I don't know for sure.
He was spending a lot of time on Facebook late night which he's no longer doing. So crazy, I know.
I'm 53 and dealing with teenage stuff!! Thanks for listening- C
M: 53 H:53 M: 30 years D:29, D 27, D 25 BD: 6/2/14 Proof of OW 7/7/14 D filed 8/14 (H) D dropped 1/15 (H) 3/15 H reaching out 06/01/15 Proof of OW still 06/17/15 I filed
I am hoping to get some feedback about re connection. Do they disappear after making progress? How should my behavior be at this time? Should I go dark or keep in contact? He always responds and seems genuinely happy to hear from, but again no clue what's going on. No mention of divorce in months but no mention of reconciliation either. Just a noticeable difference in his bevavior towards me.
M: 53 H:53 M: 30 years D:29, D 27, D 25 BD: 6/2/14 Proof of OW 7/7/14 D filed 8/14 (H) D dropped 1/15 (H) 3/15 H reaching out 06/01/15 Proof of OW still 06/17/15 I filed
IMO, reconnecting is not a fast process when there has been a third party involved. Based on just your first post, it does sound as if he could be in MLC. If that is the case, then it may be quite a while before he levels out and knows for certain what he wants.
It seems that he is responding to short periods of time together, and it may have a lot to do with OW being absent. If I were in your shoes, I would not rush him to move back home. Whose idea was it to go to MC? What has been his attitude during counseling sessions? Has he shown remorse for his betrayal?
Again, it's JMHO, but the MC should be focusing on helping you heal after his affair, instead of pushing to get him to move home. You need to have most of the issues resolved before trying to live together, or it will be too stressful for him and he will flee again. It is not easy to stay under one roof when wounds have not healed. I would continue taking it slowly and see how he progresses. When you are having doubts about him moving back home, it could be for a reason.
When he has come through his crisis, and he's ready to reconnect, I believe he will put forth the effort to show you that is his greatest desire. However, if he seems to hold out, have doubts, or questions.......he's not completely ready. He may need more time to get there. Don't push him or apply emotional pressure.
M: 53 H:53 M: 30 years D:29, D 27, D 25 BD: 6/2/14 Proof of OW 7/7/14 D filed 8/14 (H) D dropped 1/15 (H) 3/15 H reaching out 06/01/15 Proof of OW still 06/17/15 I filed
Sis, It doesn't sound like your h is completely out of the woods yet. They do tend to distance themselves from the spouse if they've gotten too close for their own comfort. As for the ow, the jury is still out on that one. They could have had a disagreement, therefore he was being a bit more friendlier to you, etc.
Do what works and if you aren't sure what to do, then sit quietly and the answers will fall into your lap. What should your behavior be at this time? Why, just be yourself. If you are friendly towards him, continue to be that way. Treat him as you would a neighbor who comes calling for a cup a of sugar. Keep your expectations at zero or one and don't expect him to do things that he normally would have done pre-ow.
He's truly not thinking about a divorce at the moment, but I you begin to question/challenge him about what's going on or have relationship discussions, the word "divorce" will crop up again. He's content w/the way things are for now. I would suggest that you continue to observe his behavior and truly listen to what he has to say because they do tend to tell on themselves...but you have to listen and sift through the words to get the answers.
Reconnection? I don't think so. I think he's just a very slow one that is taking his time in figuring things out for himself. At least that's what I am getting from your first posting. You'll have to share a bit more of what's going on in order for us to provide additional and/or better advice.
For now, keep the focus on you as much as you can and continue as you have been...because something you are doing is working if he's not screaming for a divorce.
M: 53 H:53 M: 30 years D:29, D 27, D 25 BD: 6/2/14 Proof of OW 7/7/14 D filed 8/14 (H) D dropped 1/15 (H) 3/15 H reaching out 06/01/15 Proof of OW still 06/17/15 I filed
Registered: 11/25/14 Posts: 8 Loc: Chicago Thank you all for your feedback. I sat back, did nothing and he reached out to me this evening. Just texting for a bit, he sent a funny pic that reminded him of something I did. Sure feels nice when you wait and let them contact you. This has been the pattern with him for the last couple of months. Time will tell. We are not in MC, individual conuseling and I credit his therapist ( an older woman who is anti divorce ) for helping him see clearly on that. I don't have to worry about him moving home and leaving again since he works and lives in DC. If things progress I would be spending time there. We were bouncing back between two homes. Now I'm going to figure out how to move my thread over to the MLC forum
M: 53 H:53 M: 30 years D:29, D 27, D 25 BD: 6/2/14 Proof of OW 7/7/14 D filed 8/14 (H) D dropped 1/15 (H) 3/15 H reaching out 06/01/15 Proof of OW still 06/17/15 I filed
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
I've been reading and learning so much from this site. Things are much clearer when you read real stories and I so appreciate everyone's honesty and sharing. I am at the 11th month mark since BD but believe he's been in crisis for much longer. Hence my confusion on reconnection and touch and go. It seems too soon but thinking back over the last 2 1/2 years, I'm sure it started during the summer of 2012. So because we live 800 miles apart it's been difficult to gauge progress but also makes it easier for me to focus on myself. We have spent two weekends together in the last 5 weeks and have really enjoyed each other's company. His words, my thoughts. I pulled back on contact after our last time together and it worked! He contacted me. I do think that his relationship with OW has just recently ended although he seemed to be pulling away from her in January when he dropped the divorce suit. He's been playing his cards slow and steady. And I have maintained kindness, love and respect. I took my husband for granted and accept my role in all this. Although I also believe he's been melting down for most of our marriage due to a very dysfunctional childhood. He seems to have made peace with his dictator father who was a controlling doctor. My MIL stood by her man and was extremely critical to her children, especially my H who was the oldest son. He's been in therapy throughtout this last year and I truly believe she's helped him emmensely. I'm nervous and a bit anxious to see what comes next and pray for patience daily. He'll be home again in 3 weeks for a cousin's wedding that I've yet to be invited to. So I'd be lying if I said things like that don't sting, I just wonder what he'll tell people when they ask where I am? Hopefully not that we're getting a divorce. This is one crazy wild ride.
Sis
M: 53 H:53 M: 30 years D:29, D 27, D 25 BD: 6/2/14 Proof of OW 7/7/14 D filed 8/14 (H) D dropped 1/15 (H) 3/15 H reaching out 06/01/15 Proof of OW still 06/17/15 I filed
Sis, They have moments of clarity and that's when they reach out to us. Yes, they even act like the people we actually knew pre-crisis. In many ways, he's touching base w/you to see if you are right where he left you. Yep, just like a toddler checks to see if mom is there if he/she should fall while learning to stand or take the first step.
I have some questions for you.
1. Did something happen approximately 18-24 months prior to him dropping the bomb on you (wanting to be alone, etc.)? Was there a death in the family, empty nester, lost a job, promotion, heath issues, etc?
2. Did he disconnect from his old friends and family?
3. New hobbies/interests?
4. Is he a workaholic or more of a party man while in crisis?
5. Does he still talk about needing his time alone?
6. Has reconnected w/old friends and family?
One of the reasons that he may be reaching out to you is because you are not in the area and applying pressure on him to be the man that you knew as well as the fact that you are not a day-to-day reminder to him of his past. Since you aren't pursuing him all of the time, he feels that it is safe to touch base w/you because you aren't going to question him on everything he says or does. In other words, you are not applying pressure to him to straighten up and come home. You aren't asking questions about the ow, the relationship or a divorce. You are allowing him time and space to figure himself out. He needs this time and space very much.
You've one a good job of letting him go and yet you have maintained kindness, love and respect. You've shown him unconditional love and yes, you've been his lighthouse in the storm. I would suggest that you continue as you have been a it has been working for you.
If you have not read these two threads, I would suggest you do. I think they will help you better understand what is going on w/your h, as well as describe reconnection.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Wonderful message to wake up to, thank you so much.
1. What happened in March of 2012 was an evaluation at work that was less than adequate. He had taken a leap of faith and took a job in Seattle away from family and friends ( he and I were commuting between Chicago since we still had one in high school) I eventually moved out there to be with him. We were happy, life was good. After the evaluation he impulsively quit the job and relocated to a small town in VA. A good job with a good salary but I didn't follow him. I was disappointed at yet another job change and since the girls were post college, I moved back to Chicago where he bought us a home. We were living as husband and wife up until June 2014. The double rejection seem to be the start of his crisis. I have apologized and acknowledged not making him a priority but I do believe he has ADHD often making a lot of impulsive decisions.
2.Yes he disconnected from family and old friends
3.Hobbies are the same, biking and hiking and brewing beer
4. He seems to be a workaholic during his crisis
5. Doesn't talk about needing time alone but states that he's never put himself first and it's time
6. Has just recently ( 3 months) started to reconnect with our girls, his family and old friends in a genuine, sincere way.
I woke up today feeling like a bit of a door mat, it's hard to maintain patience like this so I truly appreciate your message.
Thanks again Sis
M: 53 H:53 M: 30 years D:29, D 27, D 25 BD: 6/2/14 Proof of OW 7/7/14 D filed 8/14 (H) D dropped 1/15 (H) 3/15 H reaching out 06/01/15 Proof of OW still 06/17/15 I filed
You'll probably be greeted by the MLCville Mayor, Job, soon.