Anxiously waiting for it to fall apart

[25yearsmlc]

Time has ticked on and not much has changed.....


What are you doing to change yourself? I ask that not to blame but to keep the focus on the only person in this situation that you can affect, YOU.

And when someone says "not much has changed" the normal reaction here is to suggest you get a mirror out and look at the only person you can change; and btw,

embrace this! Don't shy from it or get defensive. IT's empowering to know you are NOT powerless in this.

Take charge of your life and prove the part about "happiness comes from within" b/c the tone of your posts and the title of your thread indicate the opposite.

You are putting YOUR happiness (and to an extent, modeling that for your kids) all in his hands.

Why give him all that power? What would you prefer modeling for your kids?

He arrived from his trip wanting to pretend that everything was ok. He seems much happier than he has for the past 3 years. He has been making an effort with small things and actually taking some initiative with getting the house ready to be sold.

Last week H finally went out with friends for a drink - first time in 3 years he has done this while being at home. A nice change to him sitting home watching tv or going to play tennis.

ALL of this^^ is about him and what HE is doing/thinking acting like. Where are you in this?


I am seeing him start to move a bit emotionally. Which gave me a bit of hope. However, when speaking with him about where our relationship stands


Why would you bring up R talk? Nothing cools a relationship like taking its temperature. If you want to build on conflict free times, then do that. Don't push for more or he'll back way off.

Have you read the Div Busting book(s)? How about those 37/40 "Rules" that Sandi assembled?

- he is still uncertain what he wants. He said he doesn't know if he can be happy in a relationship with me - I suggest happiness comes from within.


Instead of arguing him back into the marriage, which fails every single time AND usually also pushes them away (Cheeseless tunnels)

why not stop all the resistance? ("That which we resist, persists") Why not say that YOU don't know if you can be happy with someone so unhappy?

That YOU "have some thinking to do"?

He has now left again for 3 weeks to more interviews in the US, but is planning on coming back. He made a mess of it with the girls before he left. He insisted to me that he had told the children he was leaving; however upon asking them -- they knew nothing about it. He did however tell our son. Oldest is very disappointed that he isn't telling her what is going on. The kids and I all want to know where we stand with him.

Wow, please Stop this needlessly painful dynamic. It's your job to reassure them that they are loved and won't be tossed out in the streets , no matter what HE does or says. You're the sane parent, not a victim.

He said he wants to take the time while away and make decisions about his future and our relationship. I am not sure what he has been doing for the past 6 mos.... but hopefully he will come to an answer with some peace.




I have enjoyed spending time with emotionally some healthy people who have emotionally healthy relationships. I am left pondering big questions about my own life and future:

- is this really a midlife crisis or has he ever been able to meet my needs emotionally?

I submit that the label "Mid Life Crisis" is not helpful to you. It's serving to delay your taking charge of your life, AND it's under the mistaken belief (not empirically supported anyhow) that a MLC label makes a walk away spouse more likely to return.

Most don't return. Also, the "MLC" label often deflects the LBSer away from changes they need to make within,

b/c they instead keep their focus on the person whom they have NO control over, their spouse. You have been going thru whatever this is, for years now.

What, specifically are you waiting for?

Remember this:

No WAS (or MLCer) returns to a marriage they left....ever...UNLESS

they believe that the marriage can be better/different than before.

So what are you doing to demonstrate that improvement/difference?

The guilting from you or the kids (even the unintentional parts) will only serve to push him farther away.

Most people convert shame into blame. That's why the guilt piece fails.


- why did I choose a man who was so emotionally unavailable? (what am I avoiding in my own life)?

- am I willing to wait for a man who may never meet my emotional needs?


Why not Find people in your life who CAN meet your emotional needs and go from there? Why "wait" for anyone. Ever? Life is too short for that. No, I'm not saying you must give up or date.

I AM saying that "waiting" for him will only keep you stuck and it's not going to attract him back anyhow.

After lots of reading, I am convinced that H is either passive-aggressive, covert narcissist or has been wired to avoid emotional situations. He doesn't emotionally connect with anyone.

How's your own work going? I'm not criticizing you. I am redirecting your focus.
This is ALL about him! Time to put your focus on and only on, YOU.

I think I have been waiting 20 years for him to be more emotionally available to me.

That is tragic. And it's self inflicted, which sort of compounds the tragedy.

The great news is that you can change this! Today!


Over the years I have made lots of excuses


excuses for what? Look inward, where the real journey in life is. And dig deep.

"made lots of excuses....FOR not taking charge of your own happiness, while telling him to do so? For not changing the dynamic in the marriage?

For not putting your efforts into changing the one person you can change?


for his lack of ability to emotionally connect and life has brought us lots of distractions. Before his MLC 3 yrs ago, I would get some of his time/attention but not his emotions. When MLC hit - he quit giving me his time/attention -- so no longer got anything from him.

So your needs have gone unmet for many years. And so what makes you think his endless searching externally, will suddenly make him something he's never been?

Isn't it time for you to choose a new, different course of action?

What would that look like?

What would you most like to teach your children, given the situation?