HeavyD here - another same sex couple on the boards. Welcome but I am sorry too that you are here. You are in very good company and will get some good advice.
The hardest thing for me to do was to not "react" to my WW. Just to be calm and patient while I worked my plan (thanks to Wonka and others). I am in month 8 soon to be 9 of this process and yes, it is a slow process and not for those who don't want to do the work.
I agree that while involved in an A, it is addict like behavior. Nothing you do or say will break them from this mindset. I would state the "I am not going to live in an open marriage." And then have some clear boundries, separate checking accounts, credit cards, business accounts, etc.... Prepare for the worst but hope for the best is the mantra I have seen here.
Do you have any intel? Have you seen any of the texts or emails? That would really tell you what you are up against.
