I think you are right about the words of affirmation. I have read that book. My therapist recommended it. I could never decide if he was that or actions. I am leaning toward words of affirmation because almost everyone has more than one love language...just fyi. You don't have to choose just one. Use them all and see what happens. But know when HE is sending you love in HIS language.
today he text me about the weather and being cold to ride his motorcycle and I said jokingly that he would have to borrow my brother-inlaws's leather jacket and he said "fat man in a little coat" which he is not fat in fact he is very muscular and he does this a lot saying these things about himself and I use to say no you aren't you are so muscular and I think I stopped that because I just began to ignore it because I didn't think he really thought that about himself but now I am thinking he wanted me to say he wasn't so today I said not fat just muscular. What man doesn't want to hear that his wife sees him as muscular?
And try to catch yourself withholding love or affirmation to punish OR b/c you think you are risking something. Dig deep then...
something to pay attention to for the future. Yes...start today. It's NOT pursuit if you do this authentically AND without any expectations of him. Just expressing affirming sincere compliments is an act of kindness. Doing it to be kind and NOT as a tactic, isn't wrong or weak.
In the face of cruelty (not in your situation but IF someone else reads this, I want to insert a caveat) Then No, it might come off as supplication or weakness or pursuit.
I'm referring to everyday interactions. You want him to feel relaxed and Not judged when he's around you. Safe...comfortable, etc
25years you have helped me so much I can't believe it. Everything you have said is pretty much dead on. I have taken your advice and am really working on myself and thoughts and seeing things that I didn't catch before like above.
Keep posting to me with your thoughts and ideas!
You're very welcome. As I said, this board and my DB coach were Godsends for me.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
