Still have hope

[Wonka]

Hiya, Kipp.

. I don't want to give up but it's kind of hard when it's only me who wants to keep on working on things.

Maybe you are not standing in the right spot.

Maybe you need to move your right foot on the red spot and your left hand on the yellow spot.

Now on to more serious matters here.

I've been slipping back to non-DB behavior recently so bad, and as a result things with the H are getting worse. He said I will never change. He said I always check up on him. Always jealous. Asking him who's on the phone.

You would want to check out the ...site and print out an article that addresses this very problem to show H. The article talks about how the betrayed spouse wants to understand the A and the WAS just wants to avoid painful reminders of it. I hope this will be the catalyst for you and H to practice radical honesty in your marriage.

There's one more gem that I'd like to pass on to you here. Just saw this beautiful post from darling Starsky today:

In my situation (and in advising others who are at the stage you are at), I try to understand an important distinction:

FEELINGS -- romantic, "IN-love-with-you" feelings -- will take several months and even a couple of years to return following an affair. That was depressing for me to hear that when I was just starting to attempt reconciliation with my wife, and I in fact denied it was true, but it took a good 2-3 years for my wife's feelings of love and respect for me to return, and vice-versa.

The DECISION however to do what is necessary to repair the marriage following an affair is just that -- a DECISION. It should take no more than 5 minutes to decide -- certainly not more than 24 hours. Whenever my wife would say "I don't know if my feelings for you will ever return," I would say "I understand that and I'm willing to be very patient in that regard -- it could take many, many months. But whether or not you're willing to do this short list of things that I say I need at this point, to me, isn't about feelings. It's a DECISION that you need to make, if you want to remain married to me."

Maybe that's just me, but the "fog" doesn't need to be fully lifted in order for a formerly wayward spouse to decide on full no-contact and transparency and working on their marriage with their betrayed spouse.


Starsky

Keep working on those 180s that are for YOU and that you will live with for the rest of your life. Those changes are for you and you need to be very comfortable with them for they are not to be used as a tactic to placate or cajole H back in the M.