I don’t mind at all. What I’m going to write here is completely from my perspective of course, because unlike other sitches here, my STBX hasn’t been very forthcoming on the “whys” and almost no spew. I got nothing before or at BD, and when he emailed me to tell me he had filed for divorce he simply said that we lived separate lives, that we barely slept in the same bed and that he wished that we could have worked on things, but we could have only done so when we lived a “perfect country life” in Iowa. I’ll address all of these in the following. Possible reasons he left…….
1. We both avoid conflict. In my career, it has been very beneficial to ignore a lot of the “small things” and focus on the big picture. I took this mindset into my marriage to my detriment and STBX will wrap himself into a pretzel before saying something is wrong or getting into an argument. So, for example, through the years, as happens with most couples, he said some things that were pretty hurtful. Not a lot, but a few. Once he said that we should move close to his mom so that our daughter would have a strong female role model. That really hurt. I don’t think he meant it as a dig at me, but it felt that way. Instead of saying something – I just looked at it as the sort of absent minded, thoughtless comment we all make occasionally. But I probably didn’t really let it go and I bet I showed I was hurt for a few days. I am trying to be a lot more aware of that tendency these days.
2. His job. STBX became a cop when I was pregnant with D7 (he left for the academy when I was in my third trimester). His work has been an issue in three ways. He formed very intense friendships with the people he worked with (I think this partially comes with the territory), and at some point the intensity of these friendships seemed to lessen our own bond by comparison. His work schedule has always been challenging. In Iowa (2007-2012) he worked mostly graveyard (10:00 pm – 6:00am) with some swing (3:00pm to 11:00pm), 6 days on then 3 days off. His comment about us not sharing the same bed is directly related to his work schedule. We literally didn’t sleep at the same time for years. Finally, his work has given him a pretty dark view of the world and one that is not necessarily in sync with my own.
3. The Testosterone thing. When he had his physical to become a cop – they identified that he had very low testosterone so they immediately put him on supplements. In retrospect it’s hard for me to believe that suddenly introducing that level of hormones didn’t possibly affect him in unexpected ways. And that leads me to ….
4. Porn. This is a tough one. We had troubles getting pregnant with D3. At first I assumed that I was the problem due to my age –but some testing revealed that STBX was completely sterile. Apparently this is a common side effect of testosterone supplements. The urologist temporarily took him off the supplements and explained that as the medication wore off he would get up to speed more quickly by being “productive” as frequently as possible. I thought I was being very modern and open minded and suggested that he get some porn to help out for the times that I was not around. He bought a couple of DVDs. After we got pregnant, he got right back on the testosterone. He also continued to order the occasional DVD. And here is where my conflict avoidance cropped up again. I really didn’t like it, but other guys I know say “all men do it”…so….I said nothing. When he left – he forgot his porn stash (or left it intentionally) and it had grown to pretty substantial proportions – girls with big butts, girls of different races – basically all the things I can’t be. I have no idea how big of an issue this became – but in combination with the infidelity – it seems like he really did begin to live a pretty separate life. And before anyone asks... .Our sex life was good – but less frequent than I would have liked - again due to that crazy schedule (additionally we had two young kids at that point).
5. The move. I was transferred to Iowa in 2004 and STBX came along. While I liked it there, it was never home and from the very beginning the mutual plan was eventually to move closer to family (particularly when we had kids). When the time came, and we decided to move closer to my family in California, I think STBX really, really didn’t want to move. He loved his job and all those friendships at work. But, he insisted that he remained on board.
6. I’m an introvert. Not only am I an introvert, but I’m a happy introvert. Obviously, I’m not wildly social, but I form a few lifelong friendships wherever I go. Being at work all day, around people, wears me out to some extent and I need to recharge. STBX claims to be an introvert as well. Honestly though, I think he’s fooling himself. In Iowa on his days off (when I was working), he would load D7 (who was younger then of course) into his truck and go “visiting” – first to the police station and then to the houses of other people he worked with. It’s possible that’s the life he really wants and he thinks I’m not compatible.
So, what did that all lead to? We made the decision in May 2012 to move to California. STBX came up with the plan that I would go first with the kids, while he stayed behind to sell the house. During that time he began an affair with OW1 (it might have started before I left – I don’t really know). In November 2012 he moved out to California. He was moody and irritable (probably in withdrawals from OW1), all of which I attributed to stress from the move and having to wait to get a job (all of his police credentials had to be updated). When I would ask – he confirmed that he was feeling stress from the move. He was distant and cold with me, but as soon as he pushed me a little too far, he would reel it in and become affectionate for a while. During this period, he went back to Iowa twice, ostensibly to testify at trials, but more likely to see her. In May of 2013 he got a job and he did seem to be quite a bit better. During all of this time he was still in contact with OW1. He got himself a PO box and she sent him mail there. I know, in retrospect that the PO box should have been a major tipoff, but he said he didn’t trust the community mailbox at our rental home, and, well, I trusted him. In January of 2014 I found a letter from OW1 in his truck – it didn’t scream affair, but it was odd enough that I asked him about it and he said “nooooooooooooooooooooo”, it was nothing like that. In about April of that year he started to withdraw again. Then, on July 21st, he texted me he would be home late from work. On the way home he got into a motorcycle accident. The whole next day was totally bizarre – he would only text me and claimed to be resting at his sergeant’s house. When I asked when I could pick him up, he insisted he couldn't be moved. At that point, I knew something was up (I actually was more afraid that he had been in some kind of drunken accident and lost his job). I saw him briefly the next day when he came home (I never saw who dropped him off), and I said something like “STBX, what is going on? I’m your wife, please tell me” and he was just evasive. I had to go to work, but he called me later that day to admit that he had the accident while leaving the other woman’s house (OW2). We agreed over the phone to try and save the marriage, but by the time I drove home a half an hour later he had cleared out his clothes and left me a note telling me he wanted a divorce, that he was a failure as a husband and father, that I could have everything, and that he would accept whatever time I would give him with the girls (and he has pretty much kept to that). He promptly moved in with OW, despite assurances to the contrary and then filed for divorce 3 months later, despite an agreement between the two of us that he wait for 6. Since then, he’s basically been in hiding, more or less.
You say I seem even keel, and that’s true, I am. Maybe STBX wants more excitement and drama. I can’t be that person.
BTW- there might have been more OWs - at this point I have no idea.
