Mirror Mirror on the wall....

[25yearsmlc]

Dear CaliGuy,

That's a lot to have on your plate (and hers). You did very well.

Can you remind me of what her medical ailment(s) is, and the general expectations of its' progression? (Re the STD, we're talking the H- one right?)

Yesterday W TM that her PT made things worse, little later she told me she was going home. Seems over the past few years she has dealt with a variety of health issues, was one of the reasons she gave me during BD was that I 'stressed' her out, and she had to leave me to be healthy. OM is a physical Trainer .. I have no doubt that health and 'how do I get better' was the platform to create the relationship.

This ^^ seems likely. It's a safe seeming relationship in which more is disclosed than is typical in ordinary male/female relationships. And disclosure builds intimacy...and so on.

(Btw, that statement "disclosure builds intimacy" is very true. Might be something to keep in mind, going forward.)

As a 'fixer' I would become frustrated, being forced to watch my wife suffer and not be able to really do anything about it. She would see this frustration and think I was upset with her for being ill ... and this over the years tore down some of that connection we shared.


Absolutely^^ reasonable to assume, but to be clear, have you TOLD her this^^ or were you just thinking it?

I hope that someday soon, you both communicate more clearly so that no more mind reading happens.

Part of me wonders how much of this is from her mother .. she too .. always seems to be on her death bed .. or healthy, angry and bitter, not towards me .. just the close family members.

How much what is from her mom? The Illness, or the emotional reaction to it?

Hey We all learn from our parents behavior. Whether it's bigotry or cooking methods, they all imprint on us. Bad habits or negative beliefs take energy to overcome.

BTW, I highly recommend you look up "Essential Experience", which is a personal growth workshop in Philadelphia. A lot of folks call it "EE" for short. Many DBers have gone as well, & each one said it's "Life changing", "Profound", etc. They have a website.

Though couples can go together if they choose, it's designed for individuals.

Which is great for LBS's, as there's No "waiting to see IF the WAS wants" to do some marital work.

You can go and do your work & change YOUR life. ANYHOW --


So she calls me as she is driving, she is really not feeling well, I offered to pick her up, she wanted me on the phone till she got home ... so we talked a bit. She arrived home and shared she was really ill, did not want to be alone.


Don't tell my feminist friends I said this, but most of us want to be able to look to our h's as protectors. At least when we feel vulnerable (like w/childbirth, when we are ill and or frightened). It's probably biological at some level.

But if I were a man & knew what I know as a woman, I'd rise to the occasion when it comes to my w wanting to feel safe around me.

You Protecting her, puts you in a position of strength, honor, respect and often, love. It can also be a turn on. It's certainly not in the "Friend" area nearly as much as it is in the "protector/mate/lover" area.

Cultivate this^^ as best you can.


I left work early and went over. I let myself in ... she was on the bed ... ugh that bed. Its the visual images, they jump at me like demons once I see that bed .. she noticed and said something .. I shook it off ..

Get that Stop Sign image in your mind if need be. That visual just has to go no matter what your m does. Who needs that?

(Get the book "After the Affair", which I've heard is helpful in these situations).

Could you buy a new bed? Seriously!

Plus, before you get into her head too much, I'd remind you that she has her own triggers of memory. I don't believe for a minute that she's thinking "Gee I sure miss OM now".

More like "Oh damn. The brutal shame, the gut wrenching humiliation, the life long STD --those memories are flooding back...God, I hate this bed."


put on a smile and just sat with her. We talked, she told me how frustrated she was about always being ill. I opened up and told her I have learned I can not 'fix' her, never could .. and that would frustrate me to no end.

How are you different now, with the frustration piece? And going forward?


I shared that I have learned all I can do, and what I needed to do al those years was just be by her side, help her when I can, but more importantly just let her know I am there. I then just STFU and sat there quietly .. she would share here and there, I would not say much .. just a soft smile, she would share more.

Sounds GOOD. Silence does not have to be an enemy. She may need reassurance of her desirability too. A lot of women feel unattractive when ill.

Like "he's never going to see me as sexy again".

BTW, the more I read about her being sick, the more I can understand your comment about the platform for OM being her wellness, etc.

Perhaps It ties into her feelings of being desirable.


I ran out to get S, came back .. looked in on her, tld her to rest. Cooked S and W some dinner, did all her dishes that were piled up, got S in the shower .. things I do normally at my place but she was there to witness it. I think it was a good way to showcase how much I have changed.

YES! And it arose naturally as a byproduct of you being a good man, h and dad.



She ate a bit ... I kept her water going ... then she called out ... yup vomit time .. I even held her hair ... and managed not to puke on her back ... bonus I thought.


I just realized how UN helpful it would be if I were that sick, and my h couldn't help me b/c HE was getting sick from just seeing me vomit.

So ya done good!


She apologized profusely .. I told her to stop, she was sick and nothing she could do about it. I have not seen her hurl like that and for a split second I though .. ugh .. she better not be pregnant ... had to erase that one from my head as it was going to lead me down a dark path.

Wow you do go down dark paths at odd times. She's hurling and you thought of her OM....okay...

Um, work on that stop sign image or go to EE sooner...yikes.


I was all set to leave, W asked me if I would stay... she told me she was scared to be alone.

Interesting theme here^^. Way to step up to the plate (and good for your son to see. Really important teaching point there, & by way of example, not words).


So I stayed the night, she started opening up a bit here and there but stopped .. told me she is scared to get close, I nodded and validated.. did not push.

Do you think she means that she fears opening up and being vulnerable to you, only to have you still Not forgive her - reject her? Or mistreat her?

Can you recap the earlier marital dynamics that YOU feel contributed to the problems?

I fell asleep on the living room floor, she woke me and I jumped in S's bed with him, woke early had S dressed and brushed, she was awake feeling much better, thanked me and I went on my way.

Overall I think I did well .. no expectations, I did it because I still care about her, was the right thing to do.

^^ Huge. Well done. NO expectations means, also, no manipulation, no scheme or tactics, etc. Just compassion for the mother of your child and mate.


Was able to show how I have changed in some big areas, felt good to be able to show the work I have done without the "Hey look what I am doing" .. she did not say anything but I know she noticed.

Well done. And she noticed but didn't say anything - for so many possible reasons.

1) not sure if it is real and or

2) that it will last; and or

3) that you will attach an expectation of her IF she comments; and or

4) she has been taught NOT to hope for change from you b/c she has been disappointed too often...so she has a wall around her to stay "safe".

She may even feel embarrassed that she needed you so much for her protection, and might pull back a bit.

Don't freak. Her fears of mortality and dependence, sound justified.

For now, Be her rock.

What's up with Retrovaille? (I can't recall the details right now). It's coming, right?

Meanwhile, your course of action seems to be working for the most part.

Keep doing what works!