Yesterday W TM that her PT made things worse, little later she told me she was going home. Seems over the past few years she has dealt with a variety of health issues, was one of the reasons she gave me during BD was that I 'stressed' her out, and she had to leave me to be healthy. OM is a physical Trainer .. I have no doubt that health and 'how do I get better' was the platform to create the relationship.
As a 'fixer' I would become frustrated, being forced to watch my wife suffer and not be able to really do anything about it. She would see this frustration and think I was upset with her for being ill ... and this over the years tore down some of that connection we shared. Part of me wonders how much of this is from her mother .. she too .. always seems to be on her death bed .. or healthy, angry and bitter, not towards me .. just the close family members.
So she calls me as she is driving, she is really not feeling well, I offered to pick her up, she wanted me on the phone till she got home ... so we talked a bit. She arrived home and shared she was really ill, did not want to be alone. I left work early and went over. I let myself in ... she was on the bed ... ugh that bed. Its the visual images, they jump at me like demons once I see that bed .. she noticed and said something .. I shook it off .. put on a smile and just sat with her. We talked, she told me how frustrated she was about always being ill. I opened up and told her I have learned I can not 'fix' her, never could .. and that would frustrate me to no end. I shared that I have learned all I can do, and what I needed to do al those years was just be by her side, help her when I can, but more importantly just let her know I am there. I then just STFU and sat there quietly .. she would share here and there, I would not say much .. just a soft smile, she would share more.
I ran out to get S, came back .. looked in on her, tld her to rest. Cooked S and W some dinner, did all her dishes that were piled up, got S in the shower .. things I do normally at my place but she was there to witness it. I think it was a good way to showcase how much I have changed. She ate a bit ... I kept her water going ... then she called out ... yup vomit time .. I even held her hair ... and managed not to puke on her back ... bonus I thought.
She apologized profusely .. I told her to stop, she was sick and nothing she could do about it. I have not seen her hurl like that and for a split second I though .. ugh .. she better not be pregnant ... had to erase that one from my head as it was going to lead me down a dark path.
I was all set to leave, W asked me if I would stay... she told me she was scared to be alone. So I stayed the night, she started opening up a bit here and there but stopped .. told me she is scared to get close, I nodded and validated.. did not push. I fell asleep on the living room floor, she woke me and I jumped in S's bed with him, woke early had S dressed and brushed, she was awake feeling much better, thanked me and I went on my way.
Overall I think I did well .. no expectations, I did it because I still care about her, was the right thing to do. Was able to show how I have changed in some big areas, felt good to be able to show the work I have done without the "Hey look what I am doing" .. she did not say anything but I know she noticed.
