I haven't been here in awhile either. I took time off to work through my grieving (I had another death in the family last month, and this one hit me hard) and to enjoy time with my D21 while she was home for 2 weeks.
Anyhoo...
I don't have much to say in his communications, but I want to note that he makes one good point that would probably serve you really well to work on - if only to assist your parenting. As Sunny mentioned, being the parent of a teenager often looks a lot like this minefield. You have to pick your battles, and really, REALLY test your communication skills. I will tell you that my R with my D21 at 17 and 18 was horrible. And I didn't use the skills I gained from DB until someone here suggested I do that. (Which turned out to be the advice I needed to really turn things around with her.) Teenagers want us to listen, not to offer unsolicited advice (VERY, VERY DIFFICULT!), not to judge, not to jump to conclusions, and not to assume the worst.
Your H's point about not coming to conclusions before you see something that is based on facts is undoubtedly a gem. I really don't know how your story will turn out with your H, Claire. But for now, setting new goals would do wonders in getting to a good place with him, your D, and most importantly, yourself.
Use the techniques to work your new communication goals. Not outcome goals.
And BTW, after I employed the tactics I learned long ago to my D21, a few days later she said to me, "I know you've gone back to the board, and whatever you're doing, it's working. So do more of it." LOL, that's exactly what I learned here: do more of what works and less of what doesn't. How much more simple could it be? Apparently, I had to do things the hard way with her.
Some day, I'll come back to this message and comment on the meat of his content. I will say that it appears as though he's got some goals of his own in counseling, and please know that they have little to do with you, Claire. But I have to applaud his willingness to do things that hurt to be clear. I hope some day you'll come to appreciate that. I know it's not the outcome you wanted for your family, and I really do understand an applaud YOU for doing what you needed to do to try and turn this ship around. YOU get the applause for doing it too.
One day, maybe you'll look at this exchange as a defining moment. You were both authentic. It's more than a lot of people can say.
Hugs,
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
