Mozza - I have received similar feedback from therapists and I find it very difficult to completely swallow. I'm sure kids can eventually thrive with divorced parents - but the gold standard is still an intact family with two parents in the home. STBX and I don't fight in front of the kids (or anywhere else for that matter) and I don't believe there is any badmouthing going on. Nonetheless, I can tell you that both of my girls are extremely anxious that I am going to just disappear. We were all out in the yard over the weekend, and I walked around the corner of the house for a moment to grab a rake and D7 started screaming for me in terror (I'm not exaggerating). They have stomach aches all the time. I'm guessing these things probably wouldn't have happened if there was no divorce.
The book I read was touted as the "only scholarly study of the long term effects of divorce on children". I'm not sure I agree with the"scholarly" assessment - but basically the author followed a group of children for 25 years post divorce beginning in the 70s. Of course a lot has changed since then, and a lot of the things that caused problems for the kids are not an issue in our situation; not being able to participate in extracurricular activities, poverty, the Mom previously being the sole caretaker and then abruptly having to go to work, moving etc. But, what got me a little upset and saddened was the last case study in the book- which most closely paralleled my sitch . It described a girl who was four when her parents split. The father remarried the day after the divorce was final. There was no fighting and the stepmother did her best to be warm and affectionate. Yet the girl felt tremendous pressure not to let anyone know how unhappy she was, and when she was a teenager she realized her father must have had an affair with the 2nd wife and she struggled with losing respect for him. There was also a cautionary tale (for me) that the Mom in that situation never really got over it and continued to be sad - and the daughter felt burdened by being "responsible" for her mother's happiness. I will be very careful to not let that happen. The girl became a successful adult in a material sense but was unable to form a lasting relationship with an appropriate partner.
I know that doesn't have to be the fate of my daughters - but it was a pretty sobering read and reinforced a lot of fears that I have on this topic. We all bring our personal experiences to this. I came from a pretty functional, intact family. My sense of self is firmly grounded in that type of upbringing. That's what I know. I wanted that for my daughters. When I grew up there weren't many children of divorce in my advanced placement, college track classes - and I don't think that was coincidence. The first guy I dated was a product of a messy divorce; such a talented, charismatic guy - but a total and complete mess. He certainly had never let go of his parents divorce.
I do think that it can be made to be pretty ok for the kids. But I think that there are a lot of opportunities in divorce to make the already difficult job of raising kids a lot harder. I doubt it's a simple as just "communicating well.
