I think I belong in Piecing...

[Starsky309]

H could really get in touch with OW at any time in the future if he wants to... I'm hoping he won't want to. But I don't see how I can react to thoughts and intentions he has - my boundaries are all in response to actions.

The phone issue has been cleared up since I posted last - he willingly came clean when asked. It felt like progress.

He says he has already ended it and doesn't want to stir things up by sending her an e-mail. Knowing H, it's a typical reaction. He does not like to rock the boat. I think I'm going to let the counselor take the lead on this, she knows that he has met 2 out of the 3 requirements I had. Since he feels that I have been controlling in the M, I don't think it's a good idea to push the issue as long as he states he is working to save the M.

Does that make sense?

It makes SENSE, but it's dangerous and I don't agree with it.

It makes sense to me because I DID THE EXACT SAME THING. My wife said "I've already told him (her OM) it's over; sending him a no-contact letter now would only re-open things with him and I don't want to do that." I capitulated (because, like you, she had agreed to 3 out of 4 of my "deal-breakers" and was only balking on this one), and her affair re-ignited. I regretted not having stood firm.

There's really two separate issues: one is the efficacy and importance of the NC letter itself, and what it conveys to his OW. The second is that your husband should be at a stage where he's pretty much willing to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to try to repair the marriage with you, as long as you ask it honestly and respectfully. If you said "Honey, in order for me to feel safe in the marriage again, I need you to stand on your head once every morning for 15 seconds, so I can watch you do it," he should still do it.

You're basically saying "This is what I need in order to feel safe in the marriage again, considering your infidelity" and he's basically saying "Screw you -- I know best, I'll handle it."


Starsky