Raliced - The Magnificent Seventh

[Maybell]

What a nice update. I feel similarly, but I don't think it's a phase. He's been out of this house almost as long as he was in it, and I have no more patience to spend on someone who seems to expect to be catered to. (Clumsy sentence but accurate). I like my life. I like how much better things are with the kids. I'm grateful I didn't lose this closeness we share.

[Sotto]

Hi Raliced. It sounds like you guys had a good weekend, and it's good that you are feeling the way you are. Your timescale is similar to mine, and it is only recently that I have truly begun to believe I can happily move on alone. I would still prefer to save our marriage if that were possible though.

For me, our family life ended at BD, and I have a completely different existence now. It is hard to imagine going out for bike rides and playing games as we did - feels like a different life now. I can see how it would feel difficult to have your H there at the house, given he has been virtually incommunicado.

I'm so pleased you're doing so well though. You are one of the people on the forum that I particularly admire. Take care xx

[claire7]

Sounds like you are in a good place. I love that sentiment-- there is a lot of life to be lived, and it sounds like you are looking forwards, not backwards.

You got this! ;*)

[raliced]

Just a weekly update. Not much to report. We should sign our final settlement shortly (I asked for the lawyer to prepare a Quit Claim Deed for STBX to sign and that delayed things slightly).

A while ago I mentioned on my thread that he has never once said that I’m a good mother. I hadn’t realized that until I wrote it. And while that shouldn’t bother me, it did. It hung around in my head for a few days.

But I did have a nice Mother’s Day. I never expected any acknowledgement from him, so when none came there was no disappointment. I can’t be a hypocrite, I remember thinking a few years ago that it would feel like a “real” Mother’s Day, when the kids started bringing home all the cute little gifts they make in school, and I was very tickled by what they gave me – so who cares about what was “missing”?. D7 wrote a little biography about me that included that I laugh all the time with her. I was so happy that she sees me that way.

And then unexpectedly, I got a very nice card from my adult niece. It was technically a Mother’s Day card but was really more of a “Sorry about your divorce” card. She said that I had been a wonderful influence on her, that she wished she lived closer and that she didn’t worry about the girls because they have me for a mom. I confess, I got pretty sniffly with that one.

That, along with D7’s laughing comment, made me realize that even though I feel like kind of a mess right now and that I contributed to making my marriage a disaster, I apparently have gotten some pretty important things right in life.
Oh – and we finished D7’s paper mache river otter project. It has uneven googly eyes and an unnaturally large smile that will be sure to give her peers nightmares.

[RAI]

What a nice, upbeat post. You have a wonderful niece. That was so thoughtful of her. It is especially amazing that she did it out of her own volition. A testament to how much she loves you. I don't suppose I can ask my nieces to send me a card for father's day . But seriously, you have a lot to be proud of, it seems.

Your post reminded me how I used to tell my W what a great mom she is. I am sad that I cannot bring myself to say it anymore.

I apparently have gotten some pretty important things right in life.

Damn straight! No doubt about it. Keep up the great work.

RAI

[Mozza]

Thanks for the update raliced. It is sad that your H never told you, but maybe he thought you were a good mother. I know I wasn't telling to my WW many of the things I thought about her, even the nice ones. My love language was Acts of Service, and only after reading the book did I realize that hers was Words of Affirmation.

You're an impressive person in many ways, from what we see on these boards, so you will get a lot of things right and a few wrong. I'm not sure you got your M wrong, whether it's him or you, but now you are better equipped than ever to have a good R in your future. If you're like me, the mere fact of being faced with failure makes you revisit a lot of past behaviors and their consequences. I like what my friend told me about the lessons of his separation: We now have a few more lights on our dashboards, warning us of our destructive behaviors.

[SunnyB]

Nice update, raliced. I'm glad your Mothers Day turned out well.

[raliced]

A few updates...parenting continues to be a challenge with STBX. I do feel a little sheepish as I had been complaining about his lack of responses to general emails - and I discovered that my email provider had suddenly started diverting them to junk mail. Thankfully, none of them required responses on my part.

1. D7 complained that her dad's house is spooky. Apparently there is a lot of skull decor around the house and she is afraid of it. I told her she should let him know that it bothers her - and then sent him a quick note to let him know she wanted to discuss it with him. Apparently he just told her she really wasn't afraid of it and she is still bothered by it.

2. As I mentioned on Mozza's therad, last week was Open House at D7's school. We had previously arranged to meet there (he was going to return D3 and keep D7 for the night). The minute he saw me, he bailed and then sent me a text asking me to text him when I was done so he could leave with D7, because he had already seen all of her projects when he volunteers there on Fridays.

3. STBX has Wed, Thurs and Friday off. During the summer he will keep the girls on those days. I will be taking every Monday off to help with child care and my parents are going to pitch in on Tuesdays. I asked him if he wanted to use any vacation time to cover some of the Tuesdays or to take a full week with the girls and he said he didn't have any vacation time available. At BD - he wrote me a lengthy email extolling how he wanted to be an active dad and he had a lot of vacation time to use to "help" me out. Now it has all magically evaporated (I went back and checked - since BD he has taken 5 total days of PTO and in addition to the amount he had banked at BD he gets 3 weeks a year). Two guesses about who he spent it with.

What can I say? I find all of this discouraging. In addition, the night of the Open House, I had just finished reading a book about the long term effects of divorce on kids (Wallerstein) and, good gravy, it was depressing. I realize that not everything in it applied to our situation and that there's a lot I can do to make things better for my daughters, but still, it really put my head in a sad place.

Anyway - I was reflecting about everything that has happened since BD and I thought I would share this since I see a common theme on a lot of threads right now is fear that the divorce will happen too soon. After BD, I did everything I could to slow things down, got STBX to agree to a waiting period, GAL'd like a mad woman, read all the books, hired a DB coach and followed all of the advice. And then he broke our agreement, filed for divorce anyway and revealed he had been living with OW, despite assurances. The part about his living situation was a deal breaker for me. I "dropped the rope" (or my definition of it) at that moment and aggressively helped with the divorce. And you know, believe it or not, that has actually been the one thing that helped make some positive changes. Before, I felt like he was actively pushing against me. Now I've given him nothing to resist and I think it's a whole lot harder to see me as the enemy.

Obviously we've got miles to go. The D will be final soon and maybe then he will relax even further. Who knows? While I worry tremendously about my children, I've never worried that I personally will be ok. I've known that eventually I will be better than fine. I can't say the same with full confidence about my kids, but then, what parent can?

[SunnyB]

While I worry tremendously about my children, I've never worried that I personally will be ok. I've known that eventually I will be better than fine. I can't say the same with full confidence about my kids, but then, what parent can?

Raliced, you know I'm coming from the same place. It's been about my kids all along. And although I think they would have been much better off with two loving parents in one home, I think they are doing OK. I'll bet yours are, too. And you may be right about your STBX relaxing more when he knows things are final, I'm sure it's stressful on both of you.

You really do sound like you are doing great, hang in there!

[Mozza]

Thanks a lot raliced for sharing your open house story on my thread. It did help me see things from the other side.

At a session about mediation, they basically told us that D didn't have an effect on kids if the parents communicated well and were not in conflict. I've taken it at face value. Would you say it's not the case? I've stayed away from this information because the D will happen anyway, so why feel worse about it sll.