The new normal

[PigPen]

I've probably learned more about myself from your threads on here Zues than anyone else. You're a huge inspiration and were my inspiration to read Sexual Control which broke me of my thoughts on my own addictions that they were completely "cured" since I had 90 days of sobriety.

Congrats on all of your self exploration and sobriety from porn. I've been talking to a good friend from home today who told me not to worry about my own substance use (abuse) in my M since it was only due to "my W's lack of intimacy and affection for me."

I had to argue on her behalf that whether she had intimacy issues of her own or not, I was the one that chose to drink and smoke my negative feelings about them away, instead of talking to her like an adult...or addressing them at all. And then turn to porn to deal with the feelings of upset afterwards.

Maybe somewhere in the middle lies the truth with addictions that surface during marriages. Would they have come up with a different partner that didn't trigger the underlying issue below the addiction? Maybe, maybe not.

Would you have not needed to use porn with a woman that was naturally different than your W and allowed you to express your sexuality in a manner that was more conducive to who you are by nature? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe your porn use wasn't about sex at all, but about self esteem, or abandonment. NMMNG talks about virtually all "nice guys" having a sexual compulsion.

There are a lot of variance in sexual taste and I don't think it's fair to label yourself one way or another (bad or good) just because your taste may be on a more non conventional end of the spectrum. Granted, staying away from porn may drastically change your tastes, but it also may not. I know lots of men and women that both are into less conventional sexual exploration and don't look at porn.

One of the challenges of predicting future behavior based upon past behavior in a M, I believe, is that in the new R, you're with an entirely different human being. One that may completely put you at ease in ways that you were triggered beyond belief in your old M. Maybe the next woman though will trigger something completely different.

I agree that the best way to make sure that an addiction doesn't resurface is to address it, to address what's underneath it, and then to add in a management step like a 12 step program or the one that you are using.

Abstinence is like holding your breath, you can only do it for so long. One of the benefits of a 12 step program or yours, or DB, is that it makes us address what's underneath the addiction so a porn addiction that's being abstained from doesn't just turn into a gambling addiction because of undressed abandonment issues. Then you can breathe again.

Thanks for all of your sharing, and honesty, it's really helpful to read your posts.