Hi Pink, don't worry about your message to H - it's done now. Just learn and move forward. I feel the same, that I want to show H how much I am hurting, but also I want to try and save our M. But with DB, it is hard to always maintain the aura of moving on - sometimes we slip and that's okay. A M wasn't made or broken by a single interaction.
Sounds like you and I are at similar points with the house. Ours is going to be listed for sale this week. My experience with houses is that there will either be a little flurry right at the start and it sells, or it just takes a while and many viewings. In many ways, I just feel quite numb about the house and I want to get it shifted, have money in the bank and move on. In others, we have many family memories there, got married from there, and it is hard to leave behind.
My H has been pretty helpful with the house actually. I have removed pretty much all of my stuff now. But there was quite a bit of tidying and sorting out to do, which he has done. I'm glad, because I didn't really want to do that - although I have offered help. Funny having your H upstairs in the house....how do you feel about that??
Have a good day my friend xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi Pink. You sound really down. Please don't worry about today. It means nothing and as Toots says its over and done now. Move on to something more positive.
I am not as down as I am very confused. H is very good about answering all my text. Well, he is sitting on this one since yesterday and it bothers me a lot.
He says he wants to D me. He moves out of the house and then behave like he loves me. Always look at me like I am the most beautiful woman in the world (I am not all that). The thing is that he is delaying the D process.
It was suppose to be me doing it, he is the one that wants to get rid of me from his life. If I think about DB, then believe zero of what they say... H talk the talk but does not to follow it. He basically did nothing regarding this D, just talk about it.
His actions are weird. I really would like to punch him in the nose and break it and make him wake up and be a man. If you want something serious like the D, then behave accordingly. Do not make my life and the kids life a living hell just because you are a princess with hurt feelings.
I am getting sick and tired of this whole drama.
And yet, the part that bothers me most is that I feel the idiot still loves me. His eyes can't lie and I see in his eyes the big confusion in his mind.
I know I need to be strong and I am trying my best, but it is just a very bad place to be. Hanging in there with H telling others that he is done and as much as he feels sad he knows he can't live with me anymore.
Even my L is asking me if this D is for real or not. L said yesterday that they always have cases were the D doesn't get to the end and he advise me to talk to my H and find out if he really want to D or not since he is doing everything to delay it.
I don't know what to do, I did not stop the D process and even if I don't rush it, there are dates, timelines that we need to comply with the court. No rush, no nothing, just a simply process to dissolve the marriage. What a hell!!!!
H put the s**t right in front of the fan and now he does not want it to blow all over the place. Well, I do not want this D, but if this is upon me, then I will do it with pain or without.
I feel like my head have a million little guys inside and they are all running in opposite directions and with different opinions.
I don't know if H is feeling the fact that lately I am very distant and moving on with my life. I am a very independent person, always have been this way, so for me it is not too hard to show that I can take care after myself and that I am OK with everything. Maybe I am also making him very confused, because I write something that means I still love him and behave like I already took him out of my life.
I found out that when H talk about me, he always says that I don't love him for a very long time and that he was feeling really hurt because he knew he would never make me happy. Really?? Maybe he needs to open a side business consulting people to read their minds.
Thank God there is this board were I can spill all my guts in here, because I feel like I am going to explode and today there is a lot of patients to be seen in my office. Ahg. I want to scream right now.
How to measure if what you are doing is changing anything or not? Maybe I need to go to some stories and read about how thus the WAS behave when they are confused about what to do for real with their M. I just don't know.
I am all over the place, not outside, I keep my cool outside, people don't know that I am in this turmoil and emotional disaster. It's inside of me.
Any advice is welcome, any idea is welcome, any experience about this is welcome.
PS: It was awkward to say the least. The tiny blouse I had on was a very bright pink that shines in the dark, funny ah? So, H probably had a big shock, he probably got blind for a few seconds since I stood there.
You know when you just wake up, look at the clock and find out you should be living the house by that time? Yes, you can't think well and I am not much of a morning thinker, I am like a vampire, need to think at night and leave everything ready for the next morning. So yes, it was funny, very funny and I showed H I do not want him to see me in my undies anymore.
Go ahead an laugh, just recalling it makes me smile.
Hi Pink. Can't quite get the picture of you this morning just out of bed , could you post a picture just so we can be clear !!!!!!!! I hope that made you smile !!!
your H is completely lost and nothing you say or do will change that for now.
All Pink can do is to be the very best Pink you can be. At this stage I dont H can appreciate what he is losing. Any man who walks away from his sons and someone like you is not thinking straight We all see your kindness and compassion in your posts to others We also see how much you love your H in your own posts You H has not stopped loving you he just can't think straight at the moment and is looking for something to make him happy
He won't find it. He has to be happy with himself before he can be happy with anyone else I know I e said it before but you ha e to relax back and let this run its course. You have started to pull away and it's only been for a few weeks Would you stay on that path for a while to see how it works.
If the D is upsetting you could you slow it down anyway ?
Pink. , today is a down day , tomorrow might be an up day. In fact let's make sure it's an up day First plan an evening with the boys , do something together and something fun. Show them Glendalough on Google Earth and explain that's where all the local bikers go to scare themselves silly. Tomorrow will be a good day Pjnk because you will make it a good day. Every time you think of H , picture all the DB crew screaming STOP.
Pink , you have so many people that love you in your life and all you DB friends are always here for you. This is very difficult and you don't deserve this pain. It won't last forever I promise Happy days are ahead and plenty of them
Go and give those boys a great hug , tell them you love them and enjoy the hugs and lo e you get back
Oh Pink, I'm so sorry. Although I do love the glow in the dark blouse story. H may well have thought aliens had landed! I wish I worked in the office next to you and we could go for lunch & have a big old vent about our H's. Now then - in the email above, you are ATTACHED my friend. What is he doing? Why? Why would he do this? I'm so mad!!
Have you read MLC for Dummies by Smurf yet? Here's a link...
When you posted about your H not progressing the D, I thought of the last section of this thread - here it is..
"How to keep you spouse guessing...be mean one minute threatening divorce, etc then next day be kind and sweet almost the way your spouse remembers you..rinse repeat....
HOW TO CONTINUE THE CRAZINESS ONCE SEPARATION/DIVORCE IS AGREED UPON
1. Even though by now you, dear MLCer, have done everything human possibly to convince your spouse that you do not love him/her and want out, when the time comes to actually file, DON"T DO IT! This is the coup de gras of MLC. Absolutely DO NOT TAKE THE INITIATIVE. This is a most vital and awesome crazy-maker. Holding out will force your by now totally devastated spouse to finally throw up his/her hands and seek legal counsel.
2. Once the LBS has had enough and decides that divorce is in their best interest, you have won HUGE points here. Refusing to be the one to file now puts YOU in the role of victim, bringing you all the attention and pity necessary to allow you to again regain your image of the abused one in all this. Now you can, with absolutely NO guilt, tell everyone the divorce was your LBS's idea (which of COURSE it was!) and they will assume that: a. the LBS lost all that weight and obviously has been involved in an affair, and b. the marriage ended because your LBS spouse is going through a - YES! THE PINNACLE OF CRAZINESS! - Midlife Crisis!!"
It is really common for MLCers to say they want D and act like they want D - but not actually do what's needed to get D. What happens if he actually doesn't do anything from his end Pink? Do you have some legal leverage? It's just a thought (and maybe wait for better advice than from me) but is it worth considering a 3/6 month 'stay' on proceedings? I know Starsky mentioned he and his W did that a couple of times. Their circumstances were different in that they were 'trying out dating again' - but if your H isn't doing the stuff needed, might it be an option?
You may feel that you need to press ahead for your own and family's protection though, which I completely understand. Keep posting and take care lovely P xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi RD, thanks just reading your words of encouragement makes me feel better.
So H answered: "Let's discuss"
Then I answer him back: : Hi H. I do not want to make a big deal on this. Just let me know what you want and is good for you and I will decide if it's OK with me or not. I do not want to take your time for this.
I am letting it clear I do not want to see him, to be with him and share any time with him. Just text me your answer and we will move forward on that.
I get that he is all a big mess, so what is the point to discuss anything, even if it is just business we do not need to see each other anymore. My business with him is just the kids now.
And by the way, people make richer and more important decisions about business on the phone or internet these days, so we can do the same, shouldn't be a big deal.
I will try to hold my horses, but I am very angry today. For a long time I would just be sad and cry but today I am angry with him. Today I want to tell him that he can go to hell and never come back because I do not need his change to live.
I am who I am and I love the person I am. I do not have two faces, I do not lie and teach on anyone, I am rude to a point that I will tell my mind straight to anybody that cross my way to hurt me, so why am I taking all this disrespect from this person?
I want to stop being a fool and start being just myself the way I should always have been. I thinks I am a clown. He forgot I was born Italian and was raised Italian and have the hot blood as a good Sicilian.
I hope he don't cross my way today.
Thanks RD, I promise I will think twice before losing it. Pink
Ok I am going to chime in because I have been there and I got schooled by 25years. Pink go read my post where 25years gave me the what for. It has worked.
Get out of his head, stop trying to second guess what he means, thinks, saying and doing. 25years said picture a big STOP sign when you start to do this or think anything about him and then stop.
Don't let him run your life day to day you need to stop. Who cares what he is doing about the D that is his problem just concentrate on what your attorney needs from you and if there is nothing then don't think about it, again STOP.
Only think about your children and you and when he comes over be cordial and then busy and don't but any thought into what he says, does or means.
Stop trying to fix him or care. If you have to text him about the house or you need him to fix something ask but do not apologize. If he fixes something thank him thank him thank him and then let it go.
It truly works 25years is so smart and I still will start to think oh what did that mean and then I see big red stop sign and say to myself who knows and who cares I must get on with it and then I find something to take my mind off of it.
Stop trying to find fault with what he did because it won't help, just let it go, he knows what he has done or will or maybe won't but who cares. Just fix what you need to for yourself.
Got a text from H saying: " I will need time, a day, to figure it out what is logical and fair. Maybe we can get estimates on the stuff that need to be done in a house or we get an appraisal."
Why is him doing all this bull, this is the house for his kids to live in, it is not just for myself. Besides he can legally give part of the house to his sons and I would not own it 100%.
But he is just thinking about himself. Just of how much money will be available for him so he can run to his OW's arms and tell how great life will be with this miserable man.
I did talk to him before about this. I got all this prices with a real state person that does this stuff all the time, and now he wants time, time for what? Or you agree or not. If he thinks it is too much then say it, do a counter proposal price to me and will let him know if I agree with it or not.
We go back and forth a few times and it is done. But no, he needs to think. Is he going to find people to do a new estimates? How many months he wants for this?
Sorry, it's really hurting my head today. We are his family and he does not give care a bit for it. I will call my L, but I already know that he will say: forget it and put an appraiser and it's done right.
Thanks Toots, all that sounds so familiar, I did not read MLC for Dummies, will try to read it because it makes so much sense once you are in a nonsense situation. Thanks for the hint.
