first post; my story

[Kembo05]

I am new to the site here and just looking for some comments and encouragement. I have looked around and some of the stuff has been very valuable for me.

My wife and I have been married for almost 6 years and everything seemed to be going really well. she started acting a little "off" around august of last year, I asked if things were going OK and she said she thought she was having a pre-mid life crisis. I tried to get more information but she was just very vague. She said she thought things were kind of stale, but I didn't fully understand that. We both have great jobs, a healthy and happy toddler, and a great house. Our marriage has been smooth sailing so I wasn't sure what she was insinuating.

Well a month or so later she was being very secretive with her phone and she finally told me she was seeing a counselor, and she didn't want to tell me because she thought I would be judgmental about this. I told her if she thought this is what she needed I was all for that. I asked her if I should go to the counselor with her or if there was anything I could do to help and she insisted that it was just something with her; not with us or with me. she even told me at one point she needs me to stop focusing on "us" and start focusing on "her" I respectfully told her if she had something going on then WE have something going on.

Well fast forward to the end of the year and she finally sits me down and basically says she doesn't feel important to me, she needs me to pursue her. Well I started doing all of those things, because I realized how important that was to her. I told her how appreciative I was of her telling me that info. I did everything she asked and more. I thought this would help us. Well at the beginning of the year she told me she thought divorce was an option. This blind sided me because I had no idea she was this unhappy with things. We took a trip a week before that and things seemed great. all of the reinforcement she was giving me was positive up to that point. Well for a month we were basically just roommates. She didn't want to talk, she didn't want to see a counselor together, she completely shut me out.

Well February hits and I find out she has been having an emotional affair with someone and it was somewhat physical. I found this out, she didn't tell me. She told me she loved the guy and I couldn't love her like he does. This was 3 months ago and things have somewhat improved but she is still very resentful towards me and she seems very unremorseful about the things she has done. She still thinks divorce is an option and she has said she has been giving me a chance since December (before I found out any information and before she ended the affair). I unfortunately did the begging and pleading at first, but now I'm trying to show more self confidence and self respect with my actions and behaviors.

One of the things my wife has said is how she doesn't trust me and how I don't understand or respect her feelings. She thinks she has been pretending to be this person she isn't for so long and she blames me for this. She thinks she had to be this person to make me happy and I didn't care about that. I told her I didn't know she felt this way, I want her to be her, not be someone she thinks she is supposed to be. What I don't understand is she never said anything to me about this, ever. I know I am a part of this issue and my failure to notice things played a part, but ever since she has opened up to me I have been nothing by understanding, sympathetic, encouraging, and loving, even when she is disrespectful and hateful towards me. i'm definitely not smothering her anymore. There have been some good days and some bad days, I just don't understand how this person who has always adored me has become so bitter and resentful towards me. It's like I am being punished for crimes I never knew I was committing. My actions since I have found out everything should show her how much I care and love for her. She questions me on all of this, but I want to scream that she is the one who had an affair, not me. If you honestly looked at how we are behaving towards each other you would think I was the one who cheated on her, and i'm the one who is to blame for everything.

On a side note, I think the emotional affair has played a huge part in this. I embarrassingly enabled her to continue talking with this guy for about a month after I found out, but I have since told her if she talks with him again then I am leaving and then I am going to go talk with him. I still don't think she has completely let the thoughts of that guy go, and I think some of her resent is from me ruining her fairy tale with this guy. I get consumed by the day to day thoughts of everything, but sometimes I take a step back and I'm just like how in the world did this happen? My wife never gave me any negative reinforcement with what I was or wasn't doing. I know it sounds cliché but never in a million years would I imagine this is where we are at. Everyone who knows her is just speechless about what she has done and what she is doing.