Background- One day he suddenly became distant and was suddenly complaining and blaming me about/for everything and saying that I don't know him at all. One night he suddenly said he didn't want to be with me anymore. He moved out and lived on his friend's couch a few miles away. He moved back in with me and the kids a couple of weeks after. He said he ended the EA. I didn't ask anymore questions as he proved to me that he has really ended it. I was just happy that he was back and moved on. I didn't ask any details about the EA. I just swept it under the carpet- my feelings.
We were doing okay reconciling until months ago, I started asking questions about his old EA. I became over jealous. I became insecure. I started asking questions about everything he did. Suddenly the feeling that I swept under the carpet was all coming back. He said until when are you going to drag this along? Are you going to hold this against me for the rest of our lives? Are you going to mention it every time we argue about something else? He recently then said that I always complain about everything. Always accusing him that he's doing something wrong. He said he had the old EA because he didn't feel comfortable talking with me. He said he was not in love with me anymore.
We still live in the same roof. We still sleep in the same bed. I try not to make plans with him but he makes plans with me and the kids. He said he's trying to get the feelings back. Every other week he changes his mind from staying or going.... It is confusing but I am still hoping.
I've read the DR and trying to practice it but sometimes I slip to my old ways again. How do you prevent yourself from slipping back to your old ways? When I'm practicing DR, we're doing great and he never mentions D but when I slip to my old ways, it just goes real bad and he starts to mention D again. This is like a roller coaster.
Please share your similar experiences, thoughts and advice. Thank you.
Last edited by kippz; 04/17/1505:04 PM.
Me: 36 H: 37 T:11 M:9 S9 D3 M - 11/2005 H not in love with me anymore- 2/2015 D mentioned - 2/2015 H wants to save M - 6/2015
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
How did he "prove" to you that he ended the A? What was his proof?
The aftermath you're feeling is the reason many of us here - who have come out the other end of this beast - strongly suggest a full transparency plan at the very beginning of the "piecing" stage, when both partners commit to working on the M.
It's not good to beat the A over your H's head. But I've, personally, never seen a successful reconciliation when the person who did the betraying refused to openly and honestly address the questions and concerns of the person who was betrayed ... no matter how long ago it happened.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
He proved it by changing his number. I was with him at the store when he did. He shows me the phone numbers, messages on his phone. He said he didn't give the new number to the EA girl. He found a new job in a city an hour away after moving back in with me. The girl used to work in the same area as him before. He used to have the phone ON HIM ALL THE TIME and then when he came back he had it out there for me. He's always home now. He used to "go out with friends" every other night.
He tells me details when I ask now but he said I don't ever stop I always bring it up every chance I get. I feel like I need to know more. I never asked about it as soon he moved back in before. I guess ever since then I can't give me 100% trust. I've been paranoid that it will happen again.
Just journaling- I've been slipping back to non-DB behavior recently so bad, and as a result things with the H are getting worse. He said I will never change. He said I always check up on him. Always jealous. Asking him who's on the phone.
This makes me not sure if I want to keep on going. I don't want my kids to be affected...
I don't know why he flip flops. One day he wants to work on our marriage, the next day he's done. He usually says the latter when I'm slipping and not doing the 180. I guess I have to be more patient. The problem is I get very excited when he shows signs that he wants to work on our marriage. I guess I should temper my excitement for now.
I don't know why he flip flops. One day he wants to work on our marriage, the next day he's done. He usually says the latter when I'm slipping and not doing the 180. I guess I have to be more patient. The problem is I get very excited when he shows signs that he wants to work on our marriage. I guess I should temper my excitement for now.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
