finding myself drifting again to waw thoughts. It's always been strange to me being here amongst so many that thought they were happy in their m to have their spouse drop the bomb on them all while I wasn't happy and poof my h drops the bomb on me. I find myself once again with the same old complaints about my m only difference being I don't vocalize the complaints because I've learned through years of complaining, ill attempts at making or requesting change all I did was send a message opposite to wich I truly felt.
My h has always worked to much and it has always bothered me. I've spent years listening to the empty promise of next month will be slower, next year will be better blah blah blah etc.
Point is I often face long periods of time when it feels very much like I am living here alone with two kids.
I can only wonder how many more of these cycles I can go through before the good times that fall few and far between stop making up for it.
I know my dissatisfaction is something many here are used to hearing. I know many think there are things that I can do to change it...truth be told there isn't much I can do to change my m only thing I can do is change myself and I kinda like me the way I am...only change could be to treat h with as much indifference as I feel from him but where would that lead us?
I am leaving for a weeklong vaca with my mother and grandmother in a little over a week. H and I haven't spend any time together over the past few weeks and I don't see that changing. I really don't wish to go away with these feelings but there is little hope for even a night awake together at home before I leave.
H has been leaving for work at about 5:30 am and most nights not returning til 6:30 pm at best at wich time he usually has something to do in the yard or eats his cold dinner and then goes to sleep after showering with son at 8pm. So then where is my h? don't feel much like I have one...unless of course I grasp the old fashion idealism and find hapiness is knowing I've got a man who pays the bills and mows the lawn. But this isn't 1950 for christ sake and it's been made damn clear by h's ea that he himself wants more out of life than that too so what gives?
don't expect any answers just had these feelings that I had to dump somewhere.
