I am not as down as I am very confused. H is very good about answering all my text. Well, he is sitting on this one since yesterday and it bothers me a lot.
He says he wants to D me. He moves out of the house and then behave like he loves me. Always look at me like I am the most beautiful woman in the world (I am not all that). The thing is that he is delaying the D process.
It was suppose to be me doing it, he is the one that wants to get rid of me from his life. If I think about DB, then believe zero of what they say... H talk the talk but does not to follow it. He basically did nothing regarding this D, just talk about it.
His actions are weird. I really would like to punch him in the nose and break it and make him wake up and be a man. If you want something serious like the D, then behave accordingly. Do not make my life and the kids life a living hell just because you are a princess with hurt feelings.
I am getting sick and tired of this whole drama.
And yet, the part that bothers me most is that I feel the idiot still loves me. His eyes can't lie and I see in his eyes the big confusion in his mind.
I know I need to be strong and I am trying my best, but it is just a very bad place to be. Hanging in there with H telling others that he is done and as much as he feels sad he knows he can't live with me anymore.
Even my L is asking me if this D is for real or not. L said yesterday that they always have cases were the D doesn't get to the end and he advise me to talk to my H and find out if he really want to D or not since he is doing everything to delay it.
I don't know what to do, I did not stop the D process and even if I don't rush it, there are dates, timelines that we need to comply with the court. No rush, no nothing, just a simply process to dissolve the marriage. What a hell!!!!
H put the s**t right in front of the fan and now he does not want it to blow all over the place. Well, I do not want this D, but if this is upon me, then I will do it with pain or without.
I feel like my head have a million little guys inside and they are all running in opposite directions and with different opinions.
I don't know if H is feeling the fact that lately I am very distant and moving on with my life. I am a very independent person, always have been this way, so for me it is not too hard to show that I can take care after myself and that I am OK with everything. Maybe I am also making him very confused, because I write something that means I still love him and behave like I already took him out of my life.
I found out that when H talk about me, he always says that I don't love him for a very long time and that he was feeling really hurt because he knew he would never make me happy. Really?? Maybe he needs to open a side business consulting people to read their minds.
Thank God there is this board were I can spill all my guts in here, because I feel like I am going to explode and today there is a lot of patients to be seen in my office. Ahg. I want to scream right now.
How to measure if what you are doing is changing anything or not? Maybe I need to go to some stories and read about how thus the WAS behave when they are confused about what to do for real with their M. I just don't know.
I am all over the place, not outside, I keep my cool outside, people don't know that I am in this turmoil and emotional disaster. It's inside of me.
Any advice is welcome, any idea is welcome, any experience about this is welcome.
PS: It was awkward to say the least. The tiny blouse I had on was a very bright pink that shines in the dark, funny ah? So, H probably had a big shock, he probably got blind for a few seconds since I stood there.
You know when you just wake up, look at the clock and find out you should be living the house by that time? Yes, you can't think well and I am not much of a morning thinker, I am like a vampire, need to think at night and leave everything ready for the next morning. So yes, it was funny, very funny and I showed H I do not want him to see me in my undies anymore.
Go ahead an laugh, just recalling it makes me smile.
