It will be a full year for us in June since all hell broke loose. My H is back, too, and saying ILY. I have good days and bad days, but have learned that it is best to focus on my goal of staying married and eventually being happily married again. I constantly ask myself now....will this get you closer to your goals? Some days I want to scream...but I stay quiet and continue to db.
It's taken a lot of work on my part. That even aggravates me some days...he seems to be getting the better end of the stick...a new improved wife....for the same old H minus possible OW. Never got real hard proof. But I really think there was one or maybe two. May have been an EA and not a PA, but still....
I've been sober now again, for 40 some odd days and been hospitalized at one point for a near nervous break down. Found matches (old) in H's truck from a strip club. It has caused much insecurity on my part. Told him I want a boob job...but I really don't. Just wanted to see his reaction..he ignored me.
Our sex life has improved...but he is still pretty selfish at times.
I ask you, when does all the giving stop? I answer...we're women, we'll never get to quit being the givers. LOL You see I know the answers to my own questions, but just don't like the answers.
Here's the secret of life according to my wise Mom...Get some really good girlfriends.
Hang in there and great job on watching that movie Dinner with Friends, that's a tough one.
Quote: been missing in action for a while. find myself just not having the time to read much or post.
Me too ... so let me quickley say...
Quote: there is truth to that old saying "slow and steady wins the race"
I've been reminiscing some about the "old" days in "Piecing" with the back then "veterans" and the above reminded me about Tree2's unrelenting chant of ... "Sloowwlee ... sloowwlee..."
Quote: can't expect a troubled r that has weathered major storms to be repaired instantly. It has been two years since h moved out and 1 1/2 years since his slow return (the first 8 months of wich he didn't fully reside here) progress has been slow but steady...trouble is we often don't recognize that steady progress because it is slow.
Piecing is a challenge, we seem to want everything to be fixed over night and fail to remind ourselves that the damage was not done over night.
Thanks LL for posting this today...needed to read it and remind myself of this!
finding myself drifting again to waw thoughts. It's always been strange to me being here amongst so many that thought they were happy in their m to have their spouse drop the bomb on them all while I wasn't happy and poof my h drops the bomb on me. I find myself once again with the same old complaints about my m only difference being I don't vocalize the complaints because I've learned through years of complaining, ill attempts at making or requesting change all I did was send a message opposite to wich I truly felt.
My h has always worked to much and it has always bothered me. I've spent years listening to the empty promise of next month will be slower, next year will be better blah blah blah etc.
Point is I often face long periods of time when it feels very much like I am living here alone with two kids.
I can only wonder how many more of these cycles I can go through before the good times that fall few and far between stop making up for it.
I know my dissatisfaction is something many here are used to hearing. I know many think there are things that I can do to change it...truth be told there isn't much I can do to change my m only thing I can do is change myself and I kinda like me the way I am...only change could be to treat h with as much indifference as I feel from him but where would that lead us?
I am leaving for a weeklong vaca with my mother and grandmother in a little over a week. H and I haven't spend any time together over the past few weeks and I don't see that changing. I really don't wish to go away with these feelings but there is little hope for even a night awake together at home before I leave.
H has been leaving for work at about 5:30 am and most nights not returning til 6:30 pm at best at wich time he usually has something to do in the yard or eats his cold dinner and then goes to sleep after showering with son at 8pm. So then where is my h? don't feel much like I have one...unless of course I grasp the old fashion idealism and find hapiness is knowing I've got a man who pays the bills and mows the lawn. But this isn't 1950 for christ sake and it's been made damn clear by h's ea that he himself wants more out of life than that too so what gives?
don't expect any answers just had these feelings that I had to dump somewhere.
As you well know, this is a perfect place to drop the "baggage".
I don't know if keeping it to yourself is a good thing, but then neither is nagging. You must find the right way to ask for what you want. But then, I'm no expert here...
I can give you a cyber hug though! {{{{lostlove}}}}
LL - was thinking of you this AM...wondering if you were still lurking!
So, vacation sounds good! Nice for you to get away!
You mentioned that you and h haven't spent time together in the last few weeks. That's a change from a month ago, no? What happened? I thought you guys were doing book club and/or a date night?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
to be honest I don't recall the last night h and I actually sat down to read at the same time. Shortly after Christmas h went on a little reading binge and read three books, I don't know if he finnished the third or not but that seemed to be the end of it.
The book group I started during seperation for myself, h has expressed no interest in it at all. I have been reading the current book group selection everynight in bed while h lays next to me snoring.
A date night? are you kidding me? a date night is something that I've tried to get h to commit to since his decision to come home to no avail. Once again we are back to eventually...it seems like we need someone else to start sending us invitations on a regular basis and then perhaps we will start spending some time together.
Two weeks ago we did go to a local party (through me as h knows only the neighbors in town) at wich we both had a good time but spent almost none of the evening together (unless of course you count the 5 min drive to and from).
let's see, what else can I complain about...last sat we had a family b-day pty for son. I asked h to pick up the cake after sons tball practice in the am. When he arrived home he had a dozen roses as well as the cake...for a moment I was thrilled thinking he got them for me...only to learn they were for his mother because we didn't get her anything for easter. Uhm? hello, h? if I recall the easter bunny took care of the kids and you but forgot about me so why didn't you think for a second to pick up some flowers for your w? even if not for easter but just to say thanks for doing all the work cooking and preparing for sons party while you planned to sit in the basement all day watching the nfl draft?
I'm drained...
I can continue to say nothing and know that the feelings may fester or I can try to convince myself that this is just the way life is when you are a sahm with young kids and just be happy anyway.
Or I can speak up and ask for what I want and hear the same old...no matter what I do it's never enough...blah blah blah...or the same old exuses of "I don't it's busy right now just bare with me another month blah blah blah"
I've walked this path long enough to see that it's not going to change...least not for me..I'm not the girl that h wants to meet up for lunch with in the middle of the day...or the one he will drop everything to give a ride to.
the ultimate "it" h found in ow...either doesn't exist or just doesn't exist here.
it still amazes me that h is so blind...
his ow was married...she was a lonely woman who's h worked alot and gave her a beautiful home with all the amenities...heck her h even took her out to dinner or took the kids (she has two young boys) out on sunday afternoons so she could relax...and yet she sought her happiness with another man. Why does my h feel he doesn't have to make any effort with me? why does my h not fear loosing me to the mailman, or the guy that delivers the oil, the people I email, anyone anywhere. Why is it that my h feels secure enough in this m that the only effort he puts forth is to pay the bills and make the lawn look like a golfing green. did h not learn anything about the upkeep of relationships through this torid ordeal? I think I learned something and that is my h is a dud, at least with me.
It was the "book reading" nights that I was talking about (sorry for the confusion re. book club!).
From a 3/9/04 post...
Quote: How are things? How are the book reading sessions?
Quote:
things are great around here...our book reading evenings haven't been on any schedule but we have been reading and spending time together, infact h suggested we go out this sat night.
i guess I also confused a sat. night suggestion with "date night"!
OK...so back to the original question...sounds like 4-6 weeks ago you were spending more time together...what happened?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: i guess I also confused a sat. night suggestion with "date night"!
smartass!! that was well over a month ago as todays date is 4/29. My idea of "date night" is a weekly thing. Yes I was thrilled to have h suggest we go out that sat night but as you may guess it was a one time thing and no site of it occuring again any time soon.
Quote: OK...so back to the original question...sounds like 4-6 weeks ago you were spending more time together...what happened?
Sorry to hear that the same ol' thing is happenning to you again. Do you know what the H wants in the R except a soft place to fall and the details of life taken care of for him? I don't recall reading if you have discussed that with him or not.
Hugs to you sweet lady. You deserve to get them from me at the very least.
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