Lost & confused

[Clairee]

Thank you so much Toots! I took your advice & we waited to the next morning to talk.

It turned out to be a really good weekend. I was fine during the flight, but the minute the wheels touched down my anxiety level went through the roof. I came down the escalator into baggage claim & H was standing there waiting with flowers. I swear I felt my heart in my throat those last few steps. H hugged me & it felt so good to be that close to him again but at the same time it was awkward. We chit chatted about the flight on the way to the hotel. When we got to the room, I unpacked the things I had brought for him. One of his biggest complaints about being there has been the food, so I had packed/frozen some home cooked meals & brought them. Along with snacks he can't get on the mainland. H commented that I always know what he wants & how much I take care of him. I took a shower & went to bed. Sleep came easier than I thought it would that night.

Friday he left for class early, so that gave me time to gather my thoughts & composure. I stopped at the little coffee shop then took a walk down by the water. When he got out of class, we sat down to talk. H asked if he could talk before I started asking any questions. He apologized for everything he had done, for the betrayal, lies, hurting me, hurting us. He held my hands, looked me in the eyes & apologized for having put the look of emptiness in my eyes. H cried! I've been with this man for 18 years & I can recall every time I've seen him cry, it happens so rarely. By the time he was done talking, he had answered almost all the questions I intended to ask. He was brutally honest & very raw. It was hard to sit there listening to him, seeing him cry & feeling his hands shake in mine. The only thing I really had left to ask was what was he going to do & how could he be confident this would never happen again. H said he could be confident because he never wanted to feel this way again & he never wanted to see so much pain & loss in my eyes again. He said he did that to me, he put that there & he'd sooner walk into traffic before doing it again. He said everything was a choice he made. Not in the moment, but little choices over the years that in his mind justified the choices he made that night & the weeks after. He plans to stay in IC to continue working on his issues & understanding of why he made the choices he did & to learn the skills he needs to not repeat the past. I ended the conversation. Without much effort on my part, I heard what I had wanted from him. I didn't feel like we needed to keep going at that point. I reached the level of comfort I needed to know we could move forward.

Being able to look him in the eyes, see his body language & really hear in his voice the emotions made all the difference in the world. I can't say I forgive him, but that's on me to work through. Forgiveness has always been hard for me with anyone. But I know I want to forgive him & I want to let this go. That's the subject of my next IC tomorrow. We both agreed we will need MC once we are back together. We also agreed to not talk about this again until he is back home & only in MC.

We had a great weekend from that point on. Friday it rained all day, so we had to cancel our original plans. We went to the mall instead & just wandered around. Saturday we went with a group of friends for a motorcycle ride raising money for military families. It was a huge event & we had so much fun. We probably put 300 miles on the bike that day. It felt so good to laugh & feel connected to him again. By the end of the night, I could feel the hope I needed that we could make this work & that he was truly sincere in everything he had been saying. I'm glad I went for the weekend.

I was suppose to fly out Sunday, but my flight ended up being so delayed that I was going to miss my connecting flight. So the airlines changed my flight to Monday morning, paid for the hotel, dinner & gave me a certificate for a free flight. They upgraded me on my flights Monday to first class. Now that is the way to fly! I got home, turned my phone back on & had over 20 texts from H, an email & he had called ahead to have a car waiting for me at the airport to take me home so I didn't have to wait on a taxi. Now it's back to the day to day grindstone. H doesn't come home until the end of June. So there's still a long wait for us to really move forward with MC & all the work it will take putting our M back together. I'm not a patient person so if you've ever seen the movie Finding Nemo, I just keep swimming, swimming. Lol