The new normal

[Zues126]

Hi Sunny! Almost bumped your thread just to say hi but didn't want to bog down those that needed help and are in pain. But hello!

Yes, that's a good point about medicating with fantasy from the future. I have thought about that a lot. You're right, I'm not sure that's what I'm doing. It's more like the way I practice before a pool match. I am just kind of thinking about the goals I'd like to achieve, fleshing out what I need to work on, imagining how that might go. Visualization is a powerful and magical force, law of attraction, all of that. I now know exactly how difficult M is and am actually looking at it almost like a competitive challenge. I can't wait until I feel neglected, misunderstood, and hopeless...just to see if the tools I'm building can fight my way out of it! I'm joking, but only a little.

I read your list and agree...it's hard for us to always know what's best for us. Do we ever really know what we want? I think it's good to have a pretty good idea, but we'll all have to flex a little. It's like buying a used car. You can't factory order it the way you want...but if you're looking for a domestic SUV with room for your kids in the back and a good sound system, you should be able to make that happen, even if you end up settling on the color or something. But I have faith it will work out.

I think I just outrambled you. Told you I was competitive.

[Pyrite]

I think "medicating" is something you can also look at in terms of lines. At one end of the spectrum it is a healthy want/need at the other is an unhealthy addiction. Sometimes less is more (over-thinking).

Unrambled

[SunnyB]

Yes, that's a good point about medicating with fantasy from the future. I have thought about that a lot. You're right, I'm not sure that's what I'm doing.

I read your list and agree...it's hard for us to always know what's best for us. Do we ever really know what we want?

Hey Zues! I don't think you are medicating at all. I think you are really aware of your actions right now and you're willing to feel it all. That's great. I am not fantasizing, per se, but I am sincerely trying to figure out what's important to me without judging it. The Potential Date (PD) would not fit into my normal social circle, for a couple of reasons. Does it mean he's not a great guy and wouldn't be a great partner? No, obviously it doesn't. But does it mean I should give up on wanting those things that would make him fit? Not necessarily. I'm trying to find the balance between being open minded and compromising.

As far as really knowing what we want, I do think I'll get there eventually. Twenty-five years ago, if you'd have told me I had to build a house from scratch, I'd have panicked. How could I possibly know what I want, how could I pick all that out? But now, having re-modeled three houses, I could easily design and build a house from the ground up, I know what I want. With a guy, the trick is going to be taking less than 25 years to figure it out, I don't have that long......;)

[Pyrite]

I am skeptical AtM of future R. There would just be so much baggage, real and emotional. Trust would be a huge issue. Imagine if they were a WW or WH. I'm sure my W won't be advertising herself that way.

[MrBond]

"There would just be so much baggage, real and emotional. Trust would be a huge issue."

That can be overcome.

[Zues126]

Copied from Emo's thread for Mr. Py (discussing the tendency to reach a verdict of "no" to reconciliation so the case could be finally closed and we can bypass the grieving process...not that that even happens):


My opinion- you DON'T have to think about it again and again. Just detach. Don't worry about it. If the day comes WAS comes back, then see how you feel THEN, see what transpired, the context it was in, do some soul searching...maybe even let some time pass, get to know WAS, go to some counseling, see if you feel it was circumstantial and situational temporary insanity, or if it's character flaws, can it be worked through, can you make some sacrifices, etc. I think it can be a tough decision, but we're talking about an M, I don't like just closing a door because the flow chart you made in month 1 after BD said so! Granted, a PA is a serious thing...but even still, these are just my thoughts.

[Zues126]

I didn't realize you were talking about ANY R, I thought you were talking about your WAW. But either way it isn't easy. That's why we are here. To learn the skills to make it possible.

[Pyrite]

"There would just be so much baggage, real and emotional. Trust would be a huge issue."

That can be overcome.

hi MrBond, long time no see. I hope so. It all feels overwhelming ATM.

[Pyrite]

My opinion- you DON'T have to think about it again and again. Just detach. Don't worry about it.

I dont think you can detach while still hanging onto this. One way or the other. But could remind myself more often. Especially about one way or another.

I can't helpmeet feel this would all be so much easier without little kids in the middle . It makes it hard to detach, not hope. It makes physically impossible to go NC for more than 3 days at a time.

[Zues126]

Picked my kids up tonight. My D4 says something about how she saw ____ today. Some guy I don't know. S10 says "he's mom's friend! He's really funny!"

15 seconds. That's about how long it lasted. It started with this momentary flashback to how I felt at BD, like "OMG, my M is dead!" And then I was like "oh yeah, I already knew that, lol." And within the next minute I was totally fine.

I no longer feel rejected. It reminds me of my job. I'm in sales. Today I had a customer that was just a ball buster nit picking everything, completely suspicious of everything I said, just impatient and hostile, acting like I was trying to screw her over. I was professional, but essentially said that's not how I do business. If she wanted my service and was able to extend a basic level of trust and courtesy I'd be happy to work with her, if not I'm sure there are plenty of companies hungry enough for business to give her a dog and pony show and let her beat them up. But I provide a valuable service, and as a result have plenty of customers that like working with me. So I'm not going to cheapen myself.

That's kind of how I feel. There are obviously a ton of people that think ending marriages is ok, or that getting involved with married people is ok. I'm not even judgmental of those folks. I just feel differently and wish them the best. And I am starting to recognize my value. The same way I don't take offense that a customer is suspicious of me, I am not really offended that a fair weather marriage partner decided I wasn't good enough.

Just a funny realization that I'll have many flash backs and moments of PTSD, but I'm no longer getting shot at