Mirror Mirror on the wall....

[AJM]

Cali, did you really expect her to be all in at this point? Did you expect you to be?

I read your posts as her expressing her fears...clumsily. I would expect that, honestly. She doesn't yet have the tools or the trust between the two of you to do otherwise. I would expect her to have doubts, second guesses, etc. for a while to come. Hard not to, if you ask me.

I can't stress it enough - no matter what happens between the two of you, and it's mostly your choice, you will have to make peace with the past. It really is that simple. Because once you make peace with it, you won't have that baggage holding you back or creeping up in your relationships regardless of what she says or does. Tough to do without putting a wall up, right?

Guess what? The wall is controlled by you. Know what else? She cannot hurt you beyond what you can tolerate. There's no need for fear of the unknown future, for you. You can safely put it down and deal with things in the present. It's ok to do that. She'll bring up the past plenty while she learns. And if you can make that peace and let go of the past, be in the present, and focus on what your needs are, you may just find that the past issues are much more easily dealt with as they come up.

I'm not suggesting sweeping them under the rug by any means. I'm not suggesting just acting like it didn't happen or giving cheap forgiveness. But rather trusting that things will work out as they are intended and letting go of the need to be heard and control the possible pain.

You have already experienced the worst and thrived.

That said I'd say that trust is building at the pace it is supposed to, Cali. It cannot happen overnight. No magic pills or seminars are going to make that happen. Rather, it happens over time. With work. By both of you. And there are trade-offs - you need to be heard. She needs to be heard. Give and take.

But you are the stronger one and have to lead the way, Cali. Your faith and your experience are the guides.

Are there issues to be dealt with at some point? Of course. Who has a relationship of value without that? The only difference now is the past casting that shadow over the sunlight.

This is the dawn of a different relationship with her, Cali. I couldn't begin to tell you where it'll end up. There's risk. Risk you can either accept or walk away from. But you can't risk and protect yourself from the risk at the same time in the way you're used to. You need to adapt and find a different way, cause what you're doing is not working. For you. You said it yourself, it's not who you are. You're hunkering down behind the wall and staying there in some areas. Understandable, but not getting you where you want to be and not letting you be who you are.

If nothing else, let her see who you are. Don't hide behind the wall. "Will the real slim shady, please stand up?" right?

How's the faith walk coming along? Still growing?

AJ