The Colonel story ... yeah, I have no desire to make W suffer through that, I truly don't, I have even shared with W that I do not want to be the type to hold this over her head after she told me she will have to live with this the rest of her life.
That being said there is this theme lately, like the blowup from Saturday, she does not seem to want to acknowledge it happened ... like the A, a "I'm sorry , I apologized now its up to you to let it go and get over it, all the while I am holding on to the fact you promised me a white picket fence." This is our current hurdle it seems, I want to forgive I really do ... but I think that will take a great deal of work on my end and some compassion from her ... I feel like its the old Cold War ... neither side really wants to dump the Nuke arsenal .... the difference is that I am the one who has realized firing even one Nuke is just not worth it.
My concern are the triggers, these things I need time with. I hope she will get that .... if we watch a movie where the W runs off and sleeps with a Co-Worker ... well yeah things are going to get uncomfortable real quick, I want to forgive, even more I want to be able to handle trigger situations better
Adding a bit ... as this has creeped up on me in the past .. maybe if I get it down .. out .. it will help.
So W TM me a bit today, little more on the light side, then more about typical normal matters .. seems her Monday meetings have been cancelled so she is keeping busy doing various personal things .. asking me about some medical bills, what I ate for lunch, which pictures we should get from S's 1st Communion photo-shoot ... superficial stuff. While we were chatting I figured I would bring up the Retrouvaille weekend ... its in a month and I figured we should go ahead and reserve it if thats the area we are leaning. Things have been stressed between us the past week or so.
So she asks when it is ... I emailed her all this, told her again via TM, she asked for names/numbers .. I sent them. Then she calls. She left a message as there was no answer, says that S could possibly stay with BIL1 (5 hour drive north) for the weekend ... I told her I can take Friday off, drive him all the way so BIL is not put out ... maybe Mon she can go get S, have BIL meet her .. or work it out with him. She then asks the times, it starts 6-7 Friday (She exlaims are you kidding .. why?) then goes till 5:30 Sundal (Again more reaction from her as its way to late) .... I am a little ... grrrr. ... like sacrificing a weekend to save a 24yr relationship is asking to much. I kind of push back a bit, as she says its to much to drive all the way up and back in one day, I tell her I am willing to do it as I think its important. She let that go.
We end the call .. she TM that she wants the list for S's IC again .. it has expired so I need to get a new one tomorrow, she could do this but its one of those 180's for me .. actually setting appts up so she in not doing it all. Then she asks what we tell S about going to BIL for the weekend and I mentioned we just tell him the truth about what is going on and where we are going
W:"I just don't want him to get his hopes up incase this turns out for the worse, how do we do that?"
^^^ Stung for me a bit, makes me feel like she is not willing to go all in
Me:"We are trying thats all we can do... be honest with hi and include him with what is going on... he has already lived it up to this point"
I left it at that. But statements from her like that and during the talks about the time being to much .. they get to me .. its like she does not want to do the work, maybe its having to deal with talking about the A, our issues, I am not sure but just feels she is still in the "Throw the hands up and run" phase and it bothers me..... then she will tell me how a Condo is up for sale in her area for $XXX, not sure if its just talk or if there is a temp check on thinking we could buy again.
I read her comments as a smokescreen behind her true innermost, unspoken fears. Of course, she's fearful of Retrouaville as it is an unknown to you two. Pay no attention to her comments for, I am pretty sure, she'll change her tune once she arrives at Retrouaville. I've heard many DBers swear by it so it must be something special to have this sort of impact.
I read her comments as a smokescreen behind her true innermost, unspoken fears. Of course, she's fearful of Retrouaville as it is an unknown to you two. Pay no attention to her comments for, I am pretty sure, she'll change her tune once she arrives at Retrouaville. I've heard many DBers swear by it so it must be something special to have this sort of impact.
Push through it and you'll be glad of it.
I agree ... I think I have been at this so long, we have struggled with our M so long that the possibility of doing this, and it actually helping ... feels like maybe I am putting more pressure on just arriving there in one piece with my eyebrows attached...lol.
I re-read what I wrote ... funny how different I can look at it after that, making me think differently ... putting my Jedi Mindreading Tinfoil hat on .... might have to do with like you said .. fear of the unknown, If I were her not so sure I would be looking forward to it, having the A and STD 'out there' .... truth is she has been softer around me, and even more than that I have been walled up. I have the walls for a reason as the Mini-Monster has been active, I was this way in church ... she initially had S inbetween us but halfway through switched and was next to me ... close ... then would keep trying to get me to look her way, when I finally did she gave me a smile, I winked back and this seemed to calm her a bit.
I really need to PMA a bit more and focus on that ... I have let that slip and hid behind the walls .. this is not who I am nor will it help/gain me anything ... its like I am doing this to punish her .. I need to stop that, its not productive.
Have you thought about approaching W and discussing some of those fears regarding Retrouaville? First, don't make it about her...but rather you being vulnerable too. Ya know what I mean? I suspect it will open new communication avenues for you two by acknowledging the fear of the unknown first.
.. fear of the unknown, If I were her not so sure I would be looking forward to it, having the A and STD 'out there'
Retrouaville isn't about spilling all of your guts and revealing all of the M's dirty laundry for all sundry to see the gory details. From what I understand, the retreat's purpose is to give couples tools so they can improve their communication and practice radical honesty.
Maybe others who have actually experienced it can chime in here and help out.
.. fear of the unknown, If I were her not so sure I would be looking forward to it, having the A and STD 'out there'
Retrouaville isn't about spilling all of your guts and revealing all of the M's dirty laundry for all sundry to see the gory details. From what I understand, the retreat's purpose is to give couples tools so they can improve their communication and practice radical honesty.
Maybe others
who have actually experienced it can chime in here and help out.
Actually wonka from what I've read about you are right, I was just thinking about her perspective hence some of the push back .... I do think she would prefer MC, I just feel this would be better at this point and we can add MC on in addition.
She shared that she did not want MC to know about the STD, not really my place to share that but it is something that affects me and should be addressed if need be.... But like all things I feel there will be a time and place for those talks, I'm far from really having to deal with that bridge .... No need to look that far ahead at this point
Cali, did you really expect her to be all in at this point? Did you expect you to be?
I read your posts as her expressing her fears...clumsily. I would expect that, honestly. She doesn't yet have the tools or the trust between the two of you to do otherwise. I would expect her to have doubts, second guesses, etc. for a while to come. Hard not to, if you ask me.
I can't stress it enough - no matter what happens between the two of you, and it's mostly your choice, you will have to make peace with the past. It really is that simple. Because once you make peace with it, you won't have that baggage holding you back or creeping up in your relationships regardless of what she says or does. Tough to do without putting a wall up, right?
Guess what? The wall is controlled by you. Know what else? She cannot hurt you beyond what you can tolerate. There's no need for fear of the unknown future, for you. You can safely put it down and deal with things in the present. It's ok to do that. She'll bring up the past plenty while she learns. And if you can make that peace and let go of the past, be in the present, and focus on what your needs are, you may just find that the past issues are much more easily dealt with as they come up.
I'm not suggesting sweeping them under the rug by any means. I'm not suggesting just acting like it didn't happen or giving cheap forgiveness. But rather trusting that things will work out as they are intended and letting go of the need to be heard and control the possible pain.
You have already experienced the worst and thrived.
That said I'd say that trust is building at the pace it is supposed to, Cali. It cannot happen overnight. No magic pills or seminars are going to make that happen. Rather, it happens over time. With work. By both of you. And there are trade-offs - you need to be heard. She needs to be heard. Give and take.
But you are the stronger one and have to lead the way, Cali. Your faith and your experience are the guides.
Are there issues to be dealt with at some point? Of course. Who has a relationship of value without that? The only difference now is the past casting that shadow over the sunlight.
This is the dawn of a different relationship with her, Cali. I couldn't begin to tell you where it'll end up. There's risk. Risk you can either accept or walk away from. But you can't risk and protect yourself from the risk at the same time in the way you're used to. You need to adapt and find a different way, cause what you're doing is not working. For you. You said it yourself, it's not who you are. You're hunkering down behind the wall and staying there in some areas. Understandable, but not getting you where you want to be and not letting you be who you are.
If nothing else, let her see who you are. Don't hide behind the wall. "Will the real slim shady, please stand up?" right?
How's the faith walk coming along? Still growing?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Cali, did you really expect her to be all in at this point? Did you expect you to be?
AJ ... I actually laughed a bit at this ... ya know you get something in your head and you fail to realize how ridiculous it is until you see it right in front of you .... Of course I did because I've seen it in all the movies ... lol. I think its just the frustration with the tip toe dance, seems both the W and I are feeling each other out (not in the good way) trying to see if Cali 2.0 and W 2.0 are compatible .... on that note I have seen a few people use my 2.0 lingo ... I will be expecting royalty checks to be flooding my way.
Originally Posted By: AJM
I read your posts as her expressing her fears...clumsily. I would expect that, honestly. She doesn't yet have the tools or the trust between the two of you to do otherwise. I would expect her to have doubts, second guesses, etc. for a while to come. Hard not to, if you ask me.
I agree, coupled with possible A/OM withdrawals I read Sandi say she had them for a solid 4 months .... not sure if this is the same for a MLCr or not but little comments she would say felt like she wanted that euphoria from the A... which threw me back a bit allowing my walls to go up some as I was sorting things out almost forgetting who I have become ... not a great place to be .. feels like I do cycle back into that here and there similar to the description that the MLCr goes back into the tunnel I am not so sure I did not do the same thing.
Originally Posted By: AJM
I can't stress it enough - no matter what happens between the two of you, and it's mostly your choice, you will have to make peace with the past. It really is that simple. Because once you make peace with it, you won't have that baggage holding you back or creeping up in your relationships regardless of what she says or does. Tough to do without putting a wall up, right?
Guess what? The wall is controlled by you. Know what else? She cannot hurt you beyond what you can tolerate. There's no need for fear of the unknown future, for you. You can safely put it down and deal with things in the present. It's ok to do that. She'll bring up the past plenty while she learns. And if you can make that peace and let go of the past, be in the present, and focus on what your needs are, you may just find that the past issues are much more easily dealt with as they come up.
I'm not suggesting sweeping them under the rug by any means. I'm not suggesting just acting like it didn't happen or giving cheap forgiveness. But rather trusting that things will work out as they are intended and letting go of the need to be heard and control the possible pain.
You have already experienced the worst and thrived.
That said I'd say that trust is building at the pace it is supposed to, Cali. It cannot happen overnight. No magic pills or seminars are going to make that happen. Rather, it happens over time. With work. By both of you. And there are trade-offs - you need to be heard. She needs to be heard. Give and take.
But you are the stronger one and have to lead the way, Cali. Your faith and your experience are the guides.
Are there issues to be dealt with at some point? Of course. Who has a relationship of value without that? The only difference now is the past casting that shadow over the sunlight.
This is the dawn of a different relationship with her, Cali. I couldn't begin to tell you where it'll end up. There's risk. Risk you can either accept or walk away from. But you can't risk and protect yourself from the risk at the same time in the way you're used to. You need to adapt and find a different way, cause what you're doing is not working. For you. You said it yourself, it's not who you are. You're hunkering down behind the wall and staying there in some areas. Understandable, but not getting you where you want to be and not letting you be who you are.
^^^ That's what I stumbled on yesterday ... I realized I drifted back a bit .. maybe that's what I needed to do, maybe its fear (<< That seems to be a trend in alot of things for alot of us .. fear of the unknown, fear of change, fear of dealing with the harder part of all the ... The Mirror) So I thought ... ok what has changed for me? My W seems to be coming through .. slowly but finally in the direction a LBH could hope for ... why am I changing back to the hurt little boy? I had to figure that out, I lost my PMA, over the past couple months my GAL's have not been as intense due to W and I spending more time, so these things threw me off my game a bit but not as long as in the past, easier to see it when I peeked over my walls. And yeah there is a risk ... but at this point whats the worst that can happen ... shrug... been there done that and have the shirt. All that can happen now is we agree its not going to work, we just do not mesh anymore after all that has happened and this is a new fear I could not articulate as I was assigning other issues with it all ... PAST issues that have nothing to do with the now, nor the future. Not to say I will not have to deal with the past and the triggers, those are reminders of the pain, old wounds not really healed but day by day they will end up further in the rear view mirror of my life, I know this ... and I want this ... I do not want them in the back seat of my car... I really don't.
Originally Posted By: AJM
If nothing else, let her see who you are. Don't hide behind the wall. "Will the real slim shady, please stand up?" right?
How's the faith walk coming along? Still growing?
AJ
Again ... laughed.... I will die my hair bleach blonde .. toss on my oversized white T and do my swag walk.
The faith walk .... I had missed church the week before last, that got to me aswell, RCIA ... last meeting is this Wednesday, we recieve our certificates Sunday (Pentacost). I am not sure where I will get involved but I really would love to get into the marriage meetings (Mondays I think) and God willing ... after all this is said and done would love to help others, maybe smaller issues like .. "That Ahole will not do dishes ... She nags .. bla bla bla." Or I have been thinking about getting involved with the kids .. I m pretty good with em, but not sure my way is "church friendly" as I do think we should be able to smack around other peoples kids .. IM KIDDING .... kinda ... lol.
W went to Father D last night ... TM around 7:30 asking to speak with S ... we were having fun watching Jurassic Park 3 preparing for the new one that comes out next month. I was on the PMA game, ironing ... S had her on speaker and we were giving her a hard time as she was grabbing food to bring us strawberry shakes ... just kidding around. W asked to talk to me, asked if I talked to S about the possible weekend and if he was ok with going to BIL1's for the weekend, I told her he was actually happy about it. Shared a joke with her about work ... asked how it went with Father D without being to 'all up in her business' we chit chatted for a little bit .. then she shared that Father D gave her a book on .... wait for it .. Forgiveness. I told her that was great ... I would not mind taking a speed course on that aswell. She has to have it back in a week .... she also said that at some point Father D would like to speak with us both but she felt that was a few months away as she has alot of things she needs to work out. I told her I was proud of her meeting with him and thought it was great (Over the last 2 years there has been spew she did say I never told her I was proud of her)
Later that night W TM asking if I realized 2 years ago was when we lost our Sheppard ... I told her I did, posted a sad similar story on my FB that morning as I was walking the Lab ... also shared there is a new movie coming out about a war dog .. Sheppard... S and I watched a trailer for and made us think of him Sunday. Left it at that .. said goodnight and watched Game of Thrones ... off to bed.
