...since my partner of five years dropped the bomb. To all the world we seemed like the perfect couple. But after a week of uncharacteristic angst, coldness, and distance at the end of April, I forced the issue. She told me she is no longer in love with me, she is not attracted to me, that she's been "struggling with her feelings" for me for a year. She said she wants to "see other people" and "have more fun experiences." She can't see herself with me anymore.
I am still shellshocked.
The backstory is that she has spent most of her life in a high powered, world traveling career. In August, we decided she'd come home and start a career in real estate. We have spent too much time together working on a business that hasn't gone as smoothly as she'd hoped, and this has really ramped up the anxiety of a woman who is already anxiety prone. I knew she was greatly stressed about all of that, and of course we weren't talking about our relationship at all. But her affection was steady and the idea of ever breaking up never once occurred to me, nor do I think it ever occurred to her.
She lost momentum on the business in a big way in April, and things were becoming increasingly tense. She developed a "friendship" with a client, someone we met less than two months ago. She wound up telling this client too much, and boom... it's not "other people" she wants to see. It's this client, who has, in my opinion, taken advantage of my partner's vulnerability and convinced her to throw away everything so that she can "just be happy."
Upon my discovery of the EA, I started doing all the wrong things: yelling, pleading, threatening. I even called this person and made it clear that compassion for my partner entailed backing off, not further confusing things. All bad moves... which is what brought me here, because I want to do things the right way going forward.
I'm reading through the posts here, and I'm seeing many similar themes: now that she thinks of it, she was never happy with me. She married me for convenience, not love. We don't have enough common interests, we aren't compatible, she deserves a passionate sex life again and she'll never have that with me, we are never getting back together, we can't be a couple... so on and so on.
It's interesting to look back and see how much I haven't been "happy" with in our relationship, either. Of course, leaving her was never an option, but this wake up call, if that's what it is, has busted things wide open for both of us. While she says all these things, her actions say something else.
Yesterday morning we talked, and she said some unpleasant things which I handled with grace and, dare I say, appropriate detachment. I got up and went to church, and prayed for her - when I returned, she took my hand and led me to the bedroom, where she kissed me and hugged me and said she was sorry, after all the things she'd just said, everything feels "so wrong." She went to work, came home, we had a nice dinner, then she was physically affectionate on the couch, moreso than she has been at all since this craziness began. Not sure if this is her way of just trying to ease the blow when, in her mind, the split becomes more real, or if her conscience has her conflicted. But this morning I made her a smoothie, she hugged and kissed me again and thanked me for "taking care" of her. She said she loved me.
But she's not "in love" with me. She wants us to be roommates, but she doesn't want to move out of our bedroom... yet. She reaches for me at night, but says she feels no desire for me.
And yet, all the while, she continues to text her "client." I made it clear yesterday that her business is her business, and I'm not going to pay attention. But she has also gone out of her way to "prove" to me that her meetings are with other people, that she's not seeing this client... when she isn't, that is!
Anyway, there is a pit in my stomach and a hole in my heart over all this. I am convinced that she is just terribly confused and in a whole lot of pain, and she has resorted to adolescent behavior. I believe she wants me in her life, in her home, in her bed. But what she doesn't want is the bad, unconscious relationship we had for the past year or so. I ordered Michele's book last week and hope it arrives today - if it were on Kindle, I'd have read it all by now! Mostly, I want to know that in spite of the words she speaks with such insistence, there is still hope for us to build something new, dynamic, and loving in a whole new way.
Thanks for reading. It was cathartic to write.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thanks again. I spent the morning at a local open work area, had a meeting, and am now in my home office , which I share with my partner. She is at her desk, and every five minutes or so picks up the phone, mostly to text the OP. I am really trying not to let this bother me, as I'm doing my best to practice detachment and not focus on what she's doing. But it's painful. Any advice aside from adjusting our office space or my leaving this space, as at least for now, I can't?
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Yes, we are a same-sex couple. I am 46, she is 41. We live in her house, but have always considered it "our" house - we own a real estate investment business together, and so actually own 12 properties together! (She is in no rush for me to leave, btw.) I have two sons, ages 20 and 18, who consider W their step-mom. Anything else you'd like to know that would be helpful?
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Yes, I've ordered the book (DB) and hoping it arrives today. Even without reading it, though, I'm getting the gist of things I need to do. We met while she was working overseas. Until this past August, she was often away. But when she was here, we spent almost all our time together. Since she came home to start a new business last year, we have been working on it together and spending almost all our time together, in a bit of a stressful pressure cooker sort of environment. As I look back on things now, I see that we never talked enough about our relationship - but she is Albanian and there are cultural challenges there. Her "complaints" now are that we don't have enough in common, I don't dress well, we aren't compatible, she lied to herself that she loved me... oh, and I didn't fold my clothes properly and sometimes let food go bad... (translation: I'm lazy and I don't value her financial contributions.)
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
There are several gay women here in DB. HeavyD is here in the Newcomer's thread and Jer's over in the MLC forum. I am a gay woman as well.
To get more traffic to your post, you would want to post to other threads that resonates with you and say "hi, am here to support you."
Keep posting here and we'll all come here to support you. DBing is a hard, tough, and LONG slog. It isn't for the faint of the heart. Even if you feel like throwing in the towel at times, there's always the next day to keep chugging along.
There is one happy story about a gay couple that happily reconciled and the poster's name is RealityTrip (RT). RT's W had OW and moved out of the house. Several months of DBing, RT's W broke up with the OW and moved back home. She no longer posts here. Cadet will come by later to link RT's threads for your perusal. Yeah, more "homework"!
