Well I would like to thank you all .. I read these posts alot over the weekend ... on my phone, I do not reply because I am long winded, have fat clumsy fingers and would only end up more frustrated ... lol
Friday W showed up to get S, I had him get ready and walked them to the car ... W asked what I had planned, I told her nothing but working later, she shared she thought she would hang out for a bit but I seemed in a rush to have them leave. (I was a bit detached and honestly wanted no more spats after Thurs night and Fri morning) I told her she was welcome to come back up if she liked .... ya know one of those half-invites as we were already at her car ... well she surprised me and came back up. I made it a point to not talk/bring up the issues just wanting a peaceful time before I went to work.
Saturday I did my thing a bit, rotated the tires on my car, did some grocery shopping, cooked. W TM while I was home telling me she wanted to go to this park where they had this event concerning families who have members incarcerated. I was not sure if she wanted me to watch S, or what ... she shared she wanted me to go as she did not feel totally comfortable going alone ... understandably so I rode the bike over and we drove down. We get to the park and no one is there, this upset W a bit ... a bit more than I thought it should looking back. So after while driving back she wanted to stop off and get an external HD, we go in ... she is flustered as we were looking around .. she goes off to find a person to help, by that time I had already found it. She was rude to the guy helping, asked me to explain it to her, at one point I had to tell her that I was trying to help and to not treat me like she was. We get her HD and hop back in the car, she then wanted to go to Target, so off we go ... The store is just down the complex, she starts telling me where to turn as if I am going the wrong way... she goes Monster, I pull over get out of the car and opened her door and told her she could drive, she refused ... At this point I took a deep breathe and thought about the events.
^^^^ All that, little things that frustrated her throughout the day .. had nothing to do with me, but like so many times in the past I was the one she was lashing out on. I realized in the middle of the spew, this was not about me ... even though now she reached full monster and was making it about me, our M, looking for buttons to press ... so I just started quietly agreeing with everything, refused to engage. We get to her place and I give her her keys, I grab the dog and S, told her we were going on a walk and would be back in a bit, she could join or stay at the Condo .... S and I were gone for over an hour, she gave me a "I'm sorry" and was out of Monster and back to 'normal'
Sunday, we did church, I was pretty detached ... she had thigns to do .. I took S to see MadMAx .. then we hung out the rest of the nigh t.. not much word from W which honestly I was ok with ... thought I felt I handled the spat better, taking the shots, the things she says just to get a rise out of me ... it takes its toll and I question how much more I really want to be around her at this point. We touched on it a bit this morning, she did share she had an appt with Father D tonight. I just feel like we are both not really putting both feet into the M, I am having issues with her and her Anger/Monster flashbacks .... and I know she is having issues with me reminding her of the A/OM. I am starting to acknowledge there is so much damage and work we would have to do, I am not so sure we both are willing to put in that kind of effort, there is a good deal of uncertainty at the moment as far as I am concerned.
