A wise man once said, .."rip those buttons out by the cables and remove them. One at a time." That was a different context, but seems appropriate here.
Put that bitterness to rest.
Did you do what you thought was right by her and by your family? It seems like it. Is it something you feel you should not be "blamed" for? Sure. And I agree, but it's something to work through.
You first. She'll follow if she's able. (see the pattern?)
AJ ... thanks for always giving me posts that I end up reading about 5-6 times before replying, you really give a person something to chew on and reflect. I read this a few times on my phone over the weekend.
Yeah I do feel I did what was right, sure I would have rather had a job that did not require me working 2, over the weekend I STFU a bit and she let a ferw things out during yet another spew session (I will update about this later). Anyways things are making more sense ... her family, traditional Hispanic .. Catholic, father was the breadwinner mother stay at home mom with 5 kids. So that's her perspective on 'normal' however she seems to be struggling with wanting the corporate career she has always strived for (Refusing to end up like her mom) against wanting to work less (all the sudden) and fit more into that part time role.
I do see that I have to be the lead/example .... sometimes its hard to just stand there and take the shots ... but I see she seems to be looking at me for guidance even if she is not saying it.
Originally Posted By: AJM
Was there more to the reason you worked like that? The miscarriages, the son being born, her rejecting you for 'medical' reasons?
Seems to me that there might be some anger there that needs to be dealt with. I know I would have been angry at giving my best in the way I thought was right, and then my W cheating, having an affair etc. As if none of that mattered. As if my acts of service were meaningless.
What seems to be missing is the understanding and reconciliation of those feelings with how she feels/felt about it. It's an issue that comes up over and over again. One that you are sensitive to, and one that she seems to know you are sensitive to.
Looking back, I think it was more about me trying to 'fix' ... she wanted a nice house, nice cars, .... I fell into the DJ thing and it paid well enough, plus my regular job was a 4-10 hour shift type thing, looking back it was a mistake, with everything going on, she felt she was stuck with our S and we never could do things on the weekends because I was always working, doing things around the house or trying to sleep .. I totally get her POV, and with the gig being what it was its easy to think its all about fun, and she felt stuck at home.
As far as the anger thing, yeah its there ... I felt I sacrificed alot for the better good of the family, and like you said my reward was built up resentment, a MLC crisis (That had nothing to do with me nor me working) and my W having an A. I am still struggling with the A admittedly ... and I accept its going to take a long time for me to come to terms with it.
Originally Posted By: AJM
Her MLC and craziness etc? That's what brings it up over and over again certainly. Or maybe her attitude. Or whatever.
But what stands out to me is that you are still sensitive to it. That you have not put it to rest for you.
No matter what the two of you decide, YOU need to put it to rest. It's historical at this point. But it's a lingering land mine that YOU keep tripping on.
It's not that I don't get it, Cali. I do. I'm a man who cares about his family too. I'm articulate (have you noticed?) as well. And I have feelings. Dreams. Beliefs. And things I do whether others like them or not - knowing that they may not be popular today but still need to get done. I also know I have motivations that are not always what I proclaim, even to myself at first. I think if I was in your situation, part of me would want to do those things as a) an act of service to show I love my family and b) as a way to release my anger and the tension while my W figured herself out and we could resume our relationship. That's how I would have framed it earlier in my life.
I'm wondering if some of that applies here? Could just be me of course.
But I've learned, Cali. I've learned not to leave a rake laying down where I can later step on it and hit myself in the nose. It hurts when I do that and serves no purpose other than odd comedic or entertainment.
Let me be clear. This is separate from what she is going through, doing or saying. This is completely about you and you dealing with this so you can put it away on the historical shelf where it belongs. That's part of the old Cali. It's what the old Cali did, right, wrong, indifferent. But it's historical, not present. And it doesn't seem to be finalized yet, for YOU.
She'll come up with something else. I know in my case my ex came up with things that were nothing about me. i.e. she was forced to make things up at the time. Things she doesn't even remember now. But the things that were even close to accurate? Those stung until I took those buttons and pulled them out by the roots.
AJ
P.S. J3B was the "grizzled old wise guy" that mentioned that the first I'd heard of it. It was appropriate for the situation and it has application here.
^^ That seems to be whats going on as of late. 2 years ago it was all about my anger and leaving her alone, last year was the typical MLC IDLY, haven't for 10 years, recently its that I have not provided and was not about her needs during sex (Which we have not had sex in over 4 years... last 8 ... since S was not that satisfying for either of us TBH). Being able to take the emotions out of all ^^^^^ the common thread is these are all things that have been used to hurt me, buttons, when I finally seem to deal with one, or remove the button, she is resourceful and finds a new one ... all vary with the accuracy of truth that is behind them, some have merit don't get me wrong but it seems to me the true purpose is to inflict some pain my way. Making me recall that phrase .. hurt people hurt people.
