Hi RD, you may well be right. I felt pretty bad on Fri pm and Sat am after I had heard from H. Cried some and lay on the bed and bashed some pillows. I think I do like to be 'seen' as optimistic and maybe that does affect what I post and also what I say to people. I just need to be careful not to suppress things I guess. I do cry and I do feel sad, and I do think a lot about our sitch. I think about it way more than I would ideally like in fact.

I guess it also comes back to the whole vulnerability thing too. It's easy to show others a 'together' person than let my vulnerability show. Soon after H and I S, I told a friend that I would love to deal with our infidelity in a way that helps and inspires others. And she said to me - heck, don't worry about that, just get through it yourself! It was good advice, but there's still that part of me that wants to be really good at stuff.

As for my Mum, yes it's hard to see her health failing. If I lose my Mum and H, I will have lost the two people that I have been closest too in the whole world, and that makes me cry as I write this, you know...But also, we thought we would lose Mum a few years ago, and I feel we are blessed an on 'bonus time' with her right now.

So, I guess I'm just very up and down, and sometimes (perceptive RD) the 'I want to be a role model at dealing with infidelity' me, posts in a more upbeat and optimistic way than I might actually be feeling...

Thanks for checking in on me. I'm working away today - starting late and probably finishing late - best get moving. Have a good day all xx

T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus