Maybell XXXV: Almost There

[Maybell]

Hello, all.

I've spent most of this weekend getting the house ready again. I had to go to a dinner for work tonight and STBX kept the kids for a couple of hours at my house till he got back. After all the work I've done he told them just to leave their suitcases and stuff by the front door. I objected rather strongly as he was leaving and told him I thought he svcked for dumping the whole house and everything on me and just walking off. He said he could understand why I was angry and he was sorry.

I've been sorrier spilling wine at a dinner party.

I feel SO ANGRY when he gives me those cr@ppy poor apologies. They are so NOT apologies. Not that an apology would be remotely sufficient in this situation. But I am SO ANGRY that he is not the guy he's pretending to be. As though it's reasonable he could just dump our life on me and I should be reasonable and civilized and evolved and accepting of HIS CHOICES.

What it really comes down to is that I'm angry, hurt, and disappointed that he's not the guy I believed he was. That he's not the guy I made all those sacrifices for.

And I really need to be done being angry with him. I'm tired of it. I want to be above him. I want to just move on and make my life mine, and not worry about him at all and I want to not waste one more minute on anger or hatred for him. And I don't know how to let all that go.

I cried so hard after he left. Because I'm so angry with him, and so tired of thinking about him and so tired of doing work cleaning up after his horrible selfish destructive choices.

He's a serial cheater. There is NO HOPE for him and me. But I still wish he was the guy I thought I married and not this cold jerky stranger who thought a reasonable response to unhappiness (which was entirely of HIS making) was to have sex with strangers.

I WANT TO LET HIM GO. But I'm in the middle of disentangling my life from his and everything about my waking hours right now is about cleaning up after the mess his choices have left me and the kids in. I am so tired of spending my life cleaning up after him but I don't know what to ask him to do because I hate the sight of him and I don't want him around. I told him tonight that the injustice of his behavior makes me want to vomit and he didn't acknowledge that at all except to say "I'll help if you ask me to." I could drop F bombs all day for how inadequate that is. He is not a grown up. He is not a good person. He is stupid for thinking that would even remotely address what I'm telling him. And I'm stupid for wishing he could grasp it.

Somebody, please, tell me how to get out of this awful emotional place. And failing that, somebody please pray that I will make it through, that it won't last much longer, and that I can be clean of him SOON SOON SOON. I don't like letting him in my head any more.

I NEED TO BE OUT OF THIS HOUSE. I need to get clean of him.