Another early-warning signal that the marriage could not have been saved: W never, not once, not even from the beginning, showed any remorse. Only guilt.
This was epitomized in an incident I don't think I've mentioned here. On a particular morning, I broke down bawling worse than I ever had (before or since, at any time of my life). I don't remember the exact trigger, but I think this was a day not too long after W had said she wanted to bring OM with us on our wedding-anniversary vacation. W expressed sympathy, petted me, and-- once I gathered myself together enough to sit in a chair instead of lying fetal on the floor-- curled up in my lap, seeming ever so unhappy for me. And as she nuzzled into me, she said something like I'm sorry you feel so badly, and "you should do what you have to do to stop this pain." I knew what she really meant (i.e., divorce her), but I replied "Oh, you mean I should write to [OM] and tell him to stop all contact with you?"
She practically leapt off of my lap. She stalked to the opposite side of the room and looked sidelong at me with unveiled contempt and anger. All pretense at sympathy vanished. And she maintained her hostile attitude for the rest of that day. She wasn't interested in my feelings. She just wanted to stop feeling guilty.
