Thanks for the words of encouragement. I take a step every day toward's GAL and working on me. Today my S is going with his grandma so I am going to hit the gym this evening.
It is hard with H around now and then but I think 25 years and you and Caliguy are right about just doing my thing and having no expectations of them.
Here's the thing that gets wacky. So much of this is a matter of perspective.
SOME folks hate that they have NC with their WASs b/c then, how can they show the changes they are making??
Others say "hard to GAL or detach b/c WAS is interrupting me or lives here, visits, etc. Too much tension."
Bottom line, make the best of whatever situation exists. If they are GONE, you have a lot of space from them, and can make the most of the work you want to do.
The changes you make will be more noticeable to them if the contacts are limited, b/c it can be harder to notice changes in someone who is with you every day.
If you are in a situation that has some contact with the WAS (e.g. b/c you have kids together or own something together) then
make the most of those limited interactions. See them as OPPORTUNITIES for you to demonstrate genuine change within.
If I were you and knew I was going to see my h in the evening, I'd have plans to go out and I would get the heck out of the home. When he gets there, spend maybe ONE minute being pleasantly upbeat to him, but on your way out.
You are busy meeting new FUN people, going to interesting new places and doing fascinating things! Conversation with your h might look like this:
"Hi h, so the stuff you wanted is in that room, etc. Sorry I'm on my way out, Take care, bye."
IF your h asks you anything about where you are going or with whom, you are pleasantly vague about who, but upbeat... a tad rushed.
Whatever the GAL is, such as dance lessons, bowling, etc, you say that.
"Oh, I'm going to Dance class. It's really fun. Okay see you later." And be off.
If he presses you or says something inappropriate or judgmental, look surprised. (who is HE to tell you not to go out??)
Tell him "Wow, I think we have to table that for now, b/c I'm on my way out."
Which you can say anytime you are not ready to discuss a topic.
Make sense? If this ^^^^ is not applicable, that's cool. Just some suggestions.
Your goal is that over TIME, those brief but pleasant exchanges will demonstrate to your h that you two can have conversations without conflict. You must show him that he can relax around you. Then let it build. Perhaps a short term goal could be to have a 5 min conversation with h without ANY negative commentary or conflict discussed.
As my DB coach said, "applaud loudly for the 1% of positives he does", (which is NOT easy but it crucial).
She also once said "Listen like a Lover", which sounded crazy at first but then I realized I could listen to him a lot better.
So you listen with full eye contact with him and recap what he told you to demonstrate that you heard him. NO sarcasm, no judgment and just
build on that^^. Short term goals, then longer term that build on the short term ones.
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
