So, I dropped off S1 with STBX before my camping trip with D4. As D4 had a snack, STBX shared some stories about her shift last night. I showed interest and made eye contact with her while she talked. As we got ready to leave, STBX came over to give me a hug. She said thank you for taking D4 camping. I tried to release the hug but she held a few seconds longer.
While walking to the door, I told STBX I would text her to let her know we got there safe. Then I told her that was gonna turn my phone off for the trip and I would text her when we were on our way home. I told her that I wanted to just disconnect and relax with D4. STBX got upset and said she understood the need to disconnect, but she felt that this was intended to punish her. I assured her that it was not. STBX insisted that I at least text her at night to let her know D4 was safe or she I wouldn't let D4 go on the trip.
After a few minutes trying to reassure her that D4 would be safe, I compromised and agreed to text her at night to let her know D4 was safe.
I could tell that STBX was angry and frustrated with me. She is partially correct that I am trying force the issue here, but I am pleased I don't have to worry about getting phone calls and text messages from her over the next three days. The good news is that I was able to remain calm and I didn't allow it to escalate into a argument.
Now I hope I can get my head straight before long so I can enjoy every minute of this trip!
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Have fun de facto. Nice job, you're getting the rig reactions from your ww and not giving into them, creating more of a feeling of loss for her. You are taking your power back. Awesome job!
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
After a few minutes trying to reassure her that D4 would be safe, I compromised and agreed to text her at night to let her know D4 was safe.
I can understand a mother's concern, especially for the youngest one. However, she was worried about the safety of D4?
You have to find a balance with some of these interactions. It becomes a trap, manipulated solely by the WW. She wants control over what you do and where you go with the kids, and when you get to see them. She will continue to text you often enough to keep you from having peace. You do not have to do what she tells you, and you sure don't have to please her.
Two cards the WW plays the most.........guilting the LBH, and accusing him of trying to control her (which is ironic b/c this is her tool to control him). Most times, I have seen it work very effectively on the vernable man who questions himself.
If she wants a divorce, she needs to see how it really works. If you ever hope to have a future R with another woman, you had better this situation stabilized or it will continue to be a thorn in your life.
You are the father of these children, right? And you are having to text her when you arrive and when you start back? No, that is what you did in the M.........not in a D. Why is it necessary to reassure her over and over, that D4 is safe with her own father? You should tell her something like, "Look, if there's a problem, I will let you know. Otherwise, I won't be answering your texts while on my trip". It will make her mad, but she got mad anyway! She is controlling you.
This may seem too harsh for some folks, but unless the children ask for their mother, I am not sure I would bend over backward in letting her call them throughout the times you are schedules to have them. Here's the thing, she did not consider this when she wanted out of the M, and thought she would always have the upper hand. Let her accuse you of punishing. So what? Tell her that is the pot calling the kettle black. She can believe whatever she wants, if that helps her. Just remember to keep a controlled tone of voice when you are verbally speaking to her.
For the record, the purpose here is not to punish anyone. It is to break free of her grasp and have control over your own life. In order to do that, you will probably say and do things that upset her. So what? You cannot live your life trying to please a WW.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, I appreciate your advice very much. What you are saying is exactly why I felt I lost when I compromised. Do you think I should not text nightly like I already agreed to do? I have no intention of answering her texts, or anybody else's, as my phone will be off. I imagine I can just send a one sentence text or something and then turn my phone back off.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Have you been to a lawyer to check your legal rights as the children's father?
I'm not sure everything you told her about the phone use during this trip. I thought you said you needed the disconnect time, but she has proven that she intends to keep you connected. I think you need to stick with whatever you previously told her.
My advice is not to just turn off the phone without first telling her that this back & forth contacting doesn't work for you, and that you are turning off your phone for the rest of the time you are gone. If she doesn't hear any more, that means things with the kids are fine.
You may receive different advice on some issues in your stitch. In the end, remember you make the decisions and live with the results of it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Just got back from my camping trip with D4. We had a wonderful time together. It felt refreshing to be out in nature and not have to worry about all the distractions back home. D4 and I had so many great moments and no disasters!
As far as contact with STBX was concerned, I stuck to our previously agreed to arrangement of only texting once at night. I did have to turn on my phone a handful of times and could see that STBX would reply to my nightly texts. The first night appeared to be really difficult for her. She was angry with me for not respecting her as a mother and was saying that I could be kidnapping D4 for all she knew. That was the only text outburst though.
STBX came to my house to pick up D4 when we got back. We spent some time talking about the trip and I shared some of the highlights. It felt good to hear D4 gush to STBX about our time together. No real meaningful contact or connection with STBX. She will usually give me a hug before she leaves but not this time. However, there was one moment where we made eye contact and just held it for about ten seconds or so.
Before she left, I did mention that I would like to take the kids and do something special with them later this week. I didn't invite STBX along but I might later in the week depending on schedules and how everything is going.
I have the next two night to myself and I am still on vacation until next Wednesday. It feels good to be back home.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Awesome story, de facto. Glad to hear it went well for you. Sounds like an awesome bonding time with your daughter and a chance to unplug from all other distractions. Also it had to help with detaching from the ww.
When I grow up, I want to be like you : )
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
