Sorry man, sounds pretty rough. Maybe the big picture is bigger than you thought and the only way that your M will work out is if the S turned from 3 to 6 months.
Still brutal to deal with. Keep your chin up as best you can.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Yes Ten. That is exactly what it was. So when my W says she felt like I abandoned her and the kids it was because with depression and anxiety I was having so much trouble being fully present. It wasn't intentional. But it did happen so I do understand why she feels the way she does. And it occurred over a period of a couple years.
But yes, I was trying to take care of myself. There were so many days where I literally could not function because the anxiety effected me so much physically. I would experience queesy stomach, shortness of breath, dizziness, pins and needles, a sense of paranoia. It's scary stuff.
So I would sleep when I got home from work alot to try and alleviate the symptoms.
As far as a message about moving back. I would have no idea how to approach it or where to begin.
The truth of why I want to go home is this: I love my W and my children beyond words. I understand the pain I caused my W and realize that she fell out of love with me and sees no other way out other than divorce because for so long, I became a different person and allowed depression and anxiety to overwhelm me. And even though I started to feel better the last few years, I never realized how much pain I had caused her and hadn't made the proper efforts to see that even though my physical symptoms had subsided, I still continued to remain withdrawn. I felt resentment toward her because I felt she didn't put forth the effort to be there for me and help me through it. And when I started getting better I didn't see her making efforts to reconnect to me so I just continued to withdraw.
But I realize now that it was me who needed to be making the effort to reconnect. I should have understood her pain instead of feeling resentment toward her. I should have been doing what I am doing now two years ago: Looking hard at myself and making a full effort to get myself back to the person I was prior to the depression and anxiety.
I should have started focusing on being the best father I could be. Being a loving husband to my W in the sense of getting back to being fully involved. Spending time with her and the kids. Helping her out with domestic responsibilities.
For so long I blamed her for the problems in our R. I blamed her for not being there for me in my time of need. So even though I got help and the depression went away and I was able, through medication, to manage my panic attacks, I sat around and waited for her to change.
Now that I realize that I am going to lose her forever it has shaken me out of that mindset and made me realize that I have to be the change that I wish to see in our R.
But I've said all of these things to her a million times over the last month or two. For her it is "too little too late". She hates me. Says it shouldn't have taken me realizing that I was going to lose her and the kids to wake up and make the effort.
Am I fully back to the guy I was before all this happened. No, not yet. Am I working my butt off everyday to truly change my behaviors back to what they were prior to this in order to become the person I was for the first 30 years of my life: Absolutely.
But I am stumbling along the way. I'm making mistakes. But I need time. Little by little I am getting there. But I am terrified that it truly is too little too late: Not for my R with my children, but for my R with my W.
I simply want a second chance. A real second chance to win her heart back by showing her that me efforts to get back to my real self are genuine, and they WILL last.
But like I said, TEN, she's heard all of this already. She doesn't care (or at least that's what she says). She says she thinks its great that my R with the kids is so greatly improved but it doesn't matter as far as she is concerned. For her there is no her and I anymore.
So even though I desperately want to go home, I also want to make the choice that will be most effective in bringing me closer to my W.
Right now, she doesn't even want to speak to me. Unless it's about scheduling for seeing the kids she told me to leave her alone and she is not interested in anything I have to say.
I think the self reflection that you have done is amazing. It's clear to me that you have picked yourself up and getting back on track.
You want a second chance to win her back and show her your changes are real and permanent. Okay. She however sounds like she hasn't changed. She still wants NC. She doesn't want you around.
There is also the issue of the brief EA I had last year. At that point in time, we had begun marriage counseling for a few months.
But of course I was still in the wrong mindset. Looking at her to blame and not looking at me.
So I wasn't seeing any effort from her. We weren't being intimate even though I wanted to. Hadn't had sex in over 2 years.
I made the mistake of reconnecting with an ex GF. I am not defending it. It was my fault and I am fully accountable for it. It was brief. Only lasted about 2 weeks and I only met up with her twice. We did kiss. But it did not go beyond that. No sex. I stopped it on my own accord after the second meeting with her because I just couldn't do it.
But my W found out and, rightfully so, was devastated.
So that is another major reason. The depression and anxiety combined with that: She has told me that I broke her heart, betrayed her trust and that there is no recovering from that.
I just wasn't sure if you had looked back far enough in my sich to have been familiar with that part.
But the depression and such seems to be the main reason.
And I really appreciate your compliment on my self reflection. My efforts are real TEN. I'm still stumbling, and yes I realize that there are things my W contributed to our problems as well. But, I am literally only focused 100% on my part. Almost to a fault where some days I cry and do blame myself fully for everything.
I'm going to tell you. I'm a good person. I'm 35 years old now and the last 5 years or so have been very rough. I mean there were alot of other things that factored into our M falling apart. Job loss, financial struggles, underemployment, us having to live with my parents for a year and a half, birth of both our children. Alot of "outside stress factors" that slowly chipped away at both of us.
But up until I was 30, and for the first 8 or 9 years of my R with her, things were pretty darn good. Not perfect. But I never in a million years would have imagined us being where we are now.
I am def focused 100% on me getting back to who I really am. I'm not there yet TEN, but I'm chipping away at it little by little.
But you are correct about my W. She blames me 100% for all of this. I'm not sure if that's how she really feels or if she believes that it is so hopeless and can never be repaired that she is just saying that and acting this way to just push me away and get me out of her life.
But you are right, I am changing. She's not even in the ballpark yet as far as it concerns her and I. She's "moved on".
Having said all of that, you really think I should just move back in?
I'm telling you right now that it will be a s*^tstorm on her end. I have no idea how she will react or what she will do but I don't believe it would be positive.
A successful day of DBing. Day 2 of going dim down. Only contact was in regards to kids / finances.
Spent 2 hours at my house with the kids after work this evening. She didn't leave. Kept my interactions with her pleasant and brief and focused 100% on the rugrats.
