The new normal

[Zues126]

Thanks guys. I've noticed my posting has slowed down a bit the last few days, but I hope you know I've read every one of both of your posts and have followed my other friends on here as well. I think I've just been a bit more reflective.

You're right Py. Forever is a long time. It's almost impossible to get your head around D. It's like trying to comprehend the size of the universe. Maybe it's denial, deep down we think things will someday be ok again. That denial allows us to deal with as much pain as we can safely handle. And that's enough to keep us busy for years. Or maybe it's because it just takes a ton of time for a new life to emerge. But it is a big loss. I can't really picture being with another woman because I am still in a place where I know I'd be comparing to STBX, thinking of her, etc.

What's more, getting back together wouldn't necessarily solve all of these problems. There would be no undoing the pain and damage that has been done. And while I believe in compassion, forgiveness, and see the value in standing for M, I can't pretend that there wouldn't be a lot of loss involved either way.

I don't know that I feel bad about these things anymore. I'm trying to allow myself to feel sad right now, and I'm really not. I think there is still some disbelief at how people choose to treat each other in this world, some shock that this is the road my STBX chose to take. And I do get fired up at people that initiate D's or have A's. This isn't a constant poison in my heart, and I don't mind it. I think it's a passion. The same way if I lost a loved one to texting and driving I might be a bit worked up on the subject, unable to bite my tounge...instead I can't help but preach about M. When I found out a former employee of mine was having an affair with a M woman I let him have it. I don't know if it made a difference, but I had to speak my mind.

But sadness? Not really. It's a new day and I'm going to go for a run, listen to some thought stimulating content, have a nice meal, catch up around the house, and relax a bit. My father just got back in town after a 6 month vacation so I'll be talking to him a bit too. I'm grateful he's still around and will take advantage. I actually think my natural state is healthier now than it ever has been.

Oh, the tournament was a blast yesterday. I made it to the finals and it came down to one game, I couldn't get that one so I ended up in second place. But I had a ton of fun, and despite not having played much lately I played really well and really enjoyed the battle. I remember why I love that game. There was one moment where I made back to back miracle shots to steal a game. I must have been a million to one, the only reason it wasn't impossible is because I did it. There was a lot of excitement around that, a lot of people watching and betting on the side, cheering, etc. It's a lot of fun.

It is hard because for the first time in my life I don't have a pool table in my house, I used to be able to just hit balls or do drills for a few minutes here and there, it definitely helped me stay on top of my game. My goal is in a year to have a place that will allow a pool table again. Anyway, I'm setting up a few challenge matches and money games to keep testing myself. I'm no longer obsessive about the game, but there are a lot of reasons I enjoy playing. One is it makes me remember who I am. I've spent so much of my life with a cue in my hands that every time I screw my stick together to do battle I feel like I'm 15 again. Only I can do some things these days that are pretty fun to be part of.

Py, Tulo...I'm sorry that you're having to share this road. I know how raw this is, it is the worst. Hang in there. Py, I'm proud of you. There's plenty of work to do ahead but you're doing all you can do. Keep charging!

Thank you to the DB forums!