The "talk" scheduled for Saturday..

[Pyrite]

Sound wonderful with walks by the beach on your lunch. What country are you in? Oz?

Ja Oz

I also see that Zeus has come a long way compared to where I am. I know I'll get there, I just don't feel that I'll get there.

Guaranteed he felt that way to at one time.

I'm only on the newcomers forum at the moment, but wonder about this with NC. They say that it's a way to create space for your self but also for the other person to be able to think and start to miss you.. Has anyone here have that actually work? It feels very unnatural as many has pointe out, but it is the best way to get over someone, I'm sure. But is all this with NC as a way for them to miss us, really just a way to soften up the blow?

It has worked for many. Have you read DR/DB yet? NC the whole bit.

I find it easier to cope with this when I talk to him about just ordinary stuff, and if it already is a done deal that we never will get back together maybe I should do what is best for me and let the contact fizzle out instead of turning of cold turkey. He has said he's not going anywhere and that I can call anytime, but I don't want that since I don't want to be a pain to him..

It won't go cold turkey even if you plan it that way. Let him contact you. If he doesn't you'll have your answer in that regard as well. I know how you feel, "If i don't make the effort then ...". But you don't want that sort of R anyway.

Agh, I'm rambling on and on.. Got a feeling I'm going to have one of those days..

I feel exactly the same as you, how can they just move on so easily when on our end it's so hard?

And I hope the good feeling with being in control will come when I am anyway near any sign of having a shred of it..

One week in from "the talk" and a few more weeks sine trouble first reared it's ugly head. Think I need more time...

Big hug to you from me.. And THANKS for replying!

It is too early to expect such progress. you definitely need more time. Take care of yourself. Keep rambling when you have to. You'll get sick of answering your own questions. You will feel a bit better about this everyday. But it is never always progress in one direction. You are hurting. It is normal that you are. You have a right to be. There is no shortcut. I'm sorry. But you are in the best company you could be.
-Py

[Tulo]

Thank you so much for your reply, yet again dear Pyrite!

So you are in Oz! Not Melbourne by any chance? Been there once and I'll be going back at some stage, just don't know when.

I have read both DB and DR but unfortunately I gave DB to a book charity by mistake and couldn't get it back. So I sent for DR that I didn't find really as helpful as DB so I think I'll try to get a hold of it again. Not sure why, just preferred DB. Have you read both?

I will wait for him to contact me now. I did ask him about coming to my half marathon next weekend and he said he'd think about it but sounded very positive, so I hope he'll contact me and say that he will. If he doesn't I'm still going to have a GREAT day with our without him. But you are right, it's his move to make now.

I'm hoping for the NC to work in the way that he thinks of me a little bit. Not waiting around for it, but still there is hope..

And you are so right, I am in the best company, all because of you and the other wonderful people who checks in and replies to my stitch, it helps more than you probably know and it means the world to me!

Big hug!

[Smothy]

Dear Tulo, you are doing really well, in a such a short space of time.

I have/ still have the overwhelming desire to torture myself with the snooping on FB, looking at our joint accounts etc and it causes me loads of anxiety. It's best to FORCE yourself to stop if you can. I am nearly one week in (my longest period without looking so far).

I have had similar thoughts about H and OW. He keeps telling me they are just friends and I think if he just tells me, it is her he wants as he loves her, I may be able to detach easier. As it is, I feel there is no closure, the suddenness of it all.

I am beginning to accept where I am and this week has been filled with less anxiety. I am thinking about H far less. Accepting the situation and letting go is really the only way forward.

H said he will contact me this w/e and I know I am no where near detached as I am waitng for him to call and knowing I will be hurt if he doesn't. Having no expectations is hard. I want him to contact me so at least I know he is thinking about me.

[Pyrite]

So you are in Oz! Not Melbourne by any chance? Been there once and I'll be going back at some stage, just don't know when.

Ja. Melbourne.

I have read both DB and DR but unfortunately I gave DB to a book charity by mistake and couldn't get it back. So I sent for DR that I didn't find really as helpful as DB so I think I'll try to get a hold of it again. Not sure why, just preferred DB. Have you read both?

Only DR. I will get around to reading DB as well. Time is escaping me ATM. Kids week next week so I have to pack. Single parenting 2 little girls doesn't leave me much spare time either, although it is my better week, by a landslide.

And you are so right, I am in the best company, all because of you and the other wonderful people who checks in and replies to my stitch, it helps more than you probably know and it means the world to me!

Big hug!

And that alone makes it worth my while Tulo. Helping you (at least trying), helps me too.

((Tulo)) back at ya

[Pyrite]

Smothy, I was thinking maybe you should set some short term weekly goals in your build up to going home?

[Huddy]

Hi Tulo

I had a friend who got the wrong idea about something and I tried to make it up by chatting/buying a present. Well, it didn't work and so, I decided, I didn't need the pain, so went dark on her.

What do you know, three months later, she got in contact apologising etc. and we again the best of friends.

So, apply that to our current predicament and who knows. The stakes are higher, sure, but if they want us, they'll have to make the effort to get us.

[Pyrite]

Tulo, re: the NC rule

I just had the weekly update email from my W about the girls before we change over Monday afternoon.

It hurts me everytime. It is definitely easier every week but we are also negotiating re-location of the family - all to suit her new life BTW - and it is very hard. It is hard to get the email from "W Maiden name" (which she started after BD in Jan) and it is really hard to reply - adhering to NC.

i.e. No smartarse digging comments, no R talk, business at hand ONLY. Every time I think I could just say That I understand, I have change "those" things, maybe I could make a difference. But the truth is that she didn't ask and she hasn't listened or even heard anything I have said to her for months. There is no reason to think that she would now, or even that her and her BF would not be having a good laugh while they read it together.

So, business only. It isn't immediately satisfying, but the next day, tomorrow, I will be grateful. So the NC rule brings them to you (maybe), at least by stepping backwards you give them the space to move forwards, and it saves you your dignity.

I wish I had have applied this months ago. In February I was still sending her R type emails. I am sure she was sharing them with her boyfriend. The last one didn't sound like her at all. One line suggesting I get a (Dear) diary. I so wish that I hadn't embarrassed myself, pouring my heart out, only to get p***ed on again and again. Sandi wrote in her thread about WW's that one thing is that the WW has lost respect for her H. This would surely not improve that. I dont know why that wouldn't apply to WHs as well. Maybe he doesn't disrespect you now, but he probably will if you pursue him.

hey, I'm already starting to feel a bit better . Thanks.

godnatt

[Tulo]

Dear Tulo, you are doing really well, in a such a short space of time.

Having no expectations is hard. I want him to contact me so at least I know he is thinking about me.

Thanks sweet Smothy! I try like mad, and some moments are better than others so I just hope they keep multiplying.

So, he did call.. Just an hour or so ago. He has suddenly liked several of my pics on FB the last few days after not having done that for ages. Don't know what that's all about but I'm trying not to analyse this.

So, I see his name and I get cold. Thinking a million thoughts before I pic up. Is he going to say he's changing his status on FB, is he asking for his key back.. Well, you get the picture..

He was very friendly and sounded just the same as always, I think I managed a bubbly happy tone through out and we talked about what we've been up to since we spoke on Thursday. All well and good. Then he said that he had just realised that on Saturday, when I have my race, it's the weekend of a big thing here in Sweden that is called 'School Soccer day' and that he hadn't realised this before. I had, but hadn't said to him that they collide. This is a big thing here, more or less all schools with kids between 7-13 are involved all over the country and he was involved last year as well. So he explained that he wouldn't be able to come but asked if I could turn on my Gps on my phone so that he could follow me on Glympse.

He said that he really wanted to know how I did and that he was very sorry that he wouldn't be able to make it. It felt sincere. I kept my end upbeat, saying that I thought it was sad that he wouldn't be able to make it but I understand why, and that I have a great day planned and even though I would have liked him to be there I'm not gonna let anything get in my way of having an awesome day. He said he was sure I was going to do great and if I slacked he would send me a text, saying to hurry up.

So, a bit of a set back, but I think I handled it great (if I do say so myself) and we spoke for half an hour with a good feeling between us and said we'd talk soon.

I think this no expectations is working.. I am a bit bummed, but not heartbroken. I'm gonna send him his Glympse and I'm going to do my very best at having a great day and he can stand among a million kids making hamburgers and just know that his missing out on a fun day!

Haha, look at me being all smug and all.. Guess it's because I ran up that massive hill today and it felt great!

I know the no closure is hard, but I think that we will grow out of this, and if IF they come back, they are going to have to step up to the plate if they are going to get us back!

Doesn't that sound like a plan, sweet Smothy?

Big hug!

[Tulo]

Tulo, re: the NC rule

It hurts me everytime. And it is really hard to reply - adhering to NC.

There is no reason to think that she would now, or even that her and her BF would not be having a good laugh while they read it together.

At least by stepping backwards you give them the space to move forwards, and it saves you your dignity.

I wish I had have applied this months ago.

godnatt

Ohh, you are already developing greatly in the Swedish language, I'm very impressed!
Sov gott!

I know it hurts like hell and must be very difficult to do NC while having to keep in touch due to kids. But your strategy seems to be a good one and as you say, at least you can hold on to your dignity as you are in contact with her.
If she and her BF laugh at your emails, I think they are horrible horrible people and in that case I don't think she should EVER get you back! No 2.0 for her, I say!!

How fun that you are in Melbourne! I've only been there once, and then due to very sad circumstance as my friend was dying of cancer, but what I got to see I loved! Definitely coming back before long! We could have a DB meeting, to compare notes or talk about how very much in love we are with some totally wonderful people who are so 2.5 that our exes seems like very 1.0!

I just wrote to Smothy that he called me tonight and I kept it light and bubbly all the way through. My mum always said when I grew up that "Keep a sweet face in evil play" and I did my best.

I understand that you feel like you wish you had all these "rules" a long time ago. But we are only human and we all do the best we can and we learn and move on, hopefully not doing the same mistakes next time.

Hope you have a great day tomorrow, I'm just about to go to sleep! Godnatt till dig från mig!

[Tulo]

Huddy,

Lovely to hear from you!

Totally agree with you, if they want us they have to work for it!

At the moment I'm feeling strong, and are totally in the "if you want me, you have to really fight for me" mode. Hahaha, I'm off to bed and I'll check in when I wake up to tell you if it lasts past first hour of being awake. Mornings are the worst for me, as I've said before.

Hope you had a good weekend!

Hug from me!