The end

[mustardseed]

Thank you for the prayer. I am in desperate need of detachment. The only way to do that is to pretend she doesn't exist, but apparently the day I helped out my sister and he told me he would take care of S, he got home late--so his solution to feeding him was having OW do it. He is finding any excuse to bring her up to me. And anytime I have to see her I end up finding it difficult to stay dark. He went out tonight. Told the kids he'd be home late but that he would be home. It is now after 3 am and he is still not home.

One thing he says when we fight is that now we have passed the point of no return. Too many things were said that can't be taken back. Does that mean that before I lost my mind over the suspicious relationship with Ow that he thought we still stood a chance? I have a lot of mutual FB friends with both H and OW and I found out today that she blocked me so now it looks like she isn't one of his friends anymore, but she is still there. I don't think I ever hated anyone this much before. I guess that means that he is accomplishing what he wants to accomplish.

I need to speak to my lawyer but I can't get in there until Thursday. It would have been so much easier if I just left last summer. Why did I allow this to go on so long? Why did I have so much faith in him? Why did I expect him to still be the decent man I thought I married? I really thought this was a MLC, but now I am not so sure. I feel like the last 15 years of my life has been a lie. One thing I have is my kids. They are what is keeping me going. But I have this fear that I am going to lose time with them. I want to live where they live. I want my home to be their home. I don't want him cut out of their lives, but I also don't want to not be with them for their every day lives.

I am jealous of women who have their husbands leave, and their focus is to keep the stability and be the rock. I am trying my best to do that, except I know the reality is that I am the one that is going to have to go. And if they come with me, it will require they change schools or have a long commute. Best interest of the kids gets really complicated. Meanwhile, he can't even spend an entire weekend with them without disappearing for a night, or dumping them on someone else if I'm not around. His plans never include them. But will a judge look at that, or will he just look at stability of keeping their school and home consistent?

And I know he is building a case for custody. The fact that he twisted having to feed S dinner two nights last week (one night apparently he had to ask OW to do it for him) into me neglecting him.

Why is it fair that one person can end a marriage and change the lives of his entire family just by deciding he doesn't feel like working at it? I have no problem with him leaving if this life we built isn't what he wants, but that isn't what he is doing, what he is doing is breaking this life apart--not just for me, but for the kids too--all so that he can live the life of a bachelor and not have to provide financial support.