The "talk" scheduled for Saturday..

[Pyrite]

me again, I have been having a rough few days, wrestling with thought of W, talking to her in my head. What you are feeling goes away, a new element in this grief process pops up, but the first is not gone, its just laying down for now. this happens until you have several elements that you are and have been working on. It is just like more cards come out onto the table.

you put one down, an pick another up. you are in a different position in the game and so handle it differently, but it is still essentially the same card. we try to put new, different cards on the table (GAL,180) and we are lucky if we pick up one of these cards. Eventually there will be more of those good cards, the impact of these bad cards will be less, and the game will be fun even.

i have been picking up and holding onto bad cards. I have to put them down again. so should even listen to my own advice and forcibly put down the card.

i realise what i said sounds uber-cheesy
losing hope, gives you hope

let me add in a few extra words "losing this unrealistic, false, or at least unhelpful hope, gives you a chance at having realhope, hope in what you should be hoping for, a fun game, sunshine, Tulo2.0. And this is achievable. YOU and only you, can do this.

Now - back to me

[Tulo]

Haha, thanks on the English, but that means you need to brush up on Swedish real quick...

Just woke up, 5.30 in the morning and as usual my anxiety is worst in the mornings. Couldn't help myself but went on FB and saw that he was online 4 hours ago.. My mind is totally a mess because I start to think "Was he just on FB to look around or did he chat with someone? Has he been lying and is not at all the stand up guy that everyone thinks but really just a lying bastard after all?

The fact that he can be checking out FB while for example waiting for his teenage girls come in for the night, doesn't feel like a possibility in my mind, he must have lied.

What the he'll is wrong with me? I've known him very well and intimately and he has so far NEVER said anything to me that turned out to be a lie, but always done and acted exactly as he said. So why can't I take what he says as the truth?
He's not in love with me anymore and he's not interested in another R, or does he have any contact with someone else. It's like it's so impossible for me why he doesn't want to continue so that in my mind it has to do with someone else.. He is the furthest thing from a player I've ever been involved with, still I think of him like playing the field with the best of them..

When we first met, he'd been single for 1 1/2 years and at first, even though he was the one who wanted us to get together for a date, he was not interested in a R. He wanted to be single, and be able to do what he wanted, as he had felt that wasn't an option in previous R.

However, he brought with him some of the restraints he had in that R into ours, and sometimes felt guilty for taking time to do stuff for himself, even though I tried to get him to understand that it was all good with me. Guess 17 years doesn't disappear as easy as that.

I understand what you are saying about not waiting.. I know that I need to move on with my life, but the thought of ever involving myself with someone else just feels like a nightmare right now. I feel as if I'm done with R! I'm tired of being heartbroken and feel like if/when I get over this, I'm better off alone.

I hope that won't last. But I never felt quite the same before.. It feels like if I can't get it to work with one of the good guys, I'm never gonna find a R that lasts forever
And that is what I want..

Ok, as you can see dear Pyrite, anxt is high, feeling sorry for myself and more or less ready to give up on men forever.

Sorry to lay it all on so thick but that is how I feel now, mornings suck, but I send a big hug to you for being so kind to post and it does help, and just because I think we all can use a good hug every now and again!

[Pyrite]

lay it on Tulo. Get it out. Would you be surprised that I have heard it/ thought it, all the things you are saying before? I dont think you would be surprised. first thing is to calm your anxiety. exercise is essential. the ratios of oxygen/CO etc in your blood get screwed up when we are anxious. A brisk walk etc restores them and makes you able to function better.

meditation is a great way to get through life in general but certainly here. If you are anxious a good and easy technique is to re-center. close your eyes and breathe, dont try and control your breathing just notice it, where is the air hitting, where can you feel it most. can you feel the cold air in your nose, your throat, your chest. And the warm air that you breathe out - where do you feel this the most - the tip of your nose, etc. This is your centre. OK now branch out, use your ears.If you are inside listen and focus on sounds from inside. breathe and continue this for a while until you are confident you know where you are and everything you hear. Move your focus to sounds outside. Repeat as above. Finally come back to your center and sitter for a while. DONT try and do anymore than this.

When you are finished resist going straight back to thinking about HIM. It is/should be easier to control your mind a little now. things will spiral out of control again - so do this again. all day long if you have to. I did have to!

You can adapt the above. For me my hearing is that bad that I can't hear inside and out, so I walk (in my head) out of the room and back in. I can hear on the beach so I concentrate for example on the wind versus the water. Or focus on birds or children playing.

I used to wake up in the middle of the night and have anxiety attacks. It used to take 1-2 hours for me to work through what I was upto and what the sitch really was. I woke up and it was a cold shock that everything was NOT as it had been for 12 years. This is normal. You've been dealt a raw deal Tulo but the fact that you are here suggests that you are on your way out already, and better than that, you are on your way out of it in the most +ve way possible. Congratulate yourself [Now i have to listen to my own advice]

hugs Tulo ((((Tulo)))) - thats my first virtual hug, did I do it right?

[Tulo]

You did! ((((Pyrite))))

Thanks for all your advice, I will try the meditation, cause I could sure use some calm if I can find it..

Do you live by the beach?

Do you think that I am going mad with all my thoughts or do you think that I've been wrong about him all through R? Think finding out that I've been wrong about what kind of man he is, would hurt worse than if he actually had someone else. He has always seemed like a very good guy and I don't want to think that that's not the case. Why can't I believe that what I felt for so long is true, and that he's just not in love with me anymore. Why do I feel the need to make it about someone else?

Going for a difficult run in a few hours.. A looooong hill that I'm going to run to the top of and that ought to get my dopamine going good..

((((Pyrite))))

[Pyrite]

You did! ((((Pyrite))))

Thanks for all your advice, I will try the meditation, cause I could sure use some calm if I can find it..

Do you live by the beach?

Do you think that I am going mad with all my thoughts or do you think that I've been wrong about him all through R? Think finding out that I've been wrong about what kind of man he is, would hurt worse than if he actually had someone else. He has always seemed like a very good guy and I don't want to think that that's not the case. Why can't I believe that what I felt for so long is true, and that he's just not in love with me anymore. Why do I feel the need to make it about someone else?

Going for a difficult run in a few hours.. A looooong hill that I'm going to run to the top of and that ought to get my dopamine going good..

((((Pyrite))))

30 minutes to beach. But I work across the road from beach so spend my lunch breather, go for walks. NEVER used to when i was M though. Always rushing to pick up kids. Now every 2nd week - no kids.

I dont think WE are going mad, log-term anyway. And I dont think WE were wrong about them all along. They have just moved on and we are no longer the special people we were to them. It kills me, but that is the short of it. Things look bleak. But we are not the first and wont be the last people to go through this, and there is life on the other side. Even for those who take no other action that letting time heal all wounds, there is a brighter day. I have trouble seeing it some times. But it is there?

Making it about someone else would add up for you. It probably won't make you feel any better though. Then you will be wondering about other person all the time.

Another thing that I found "liberating" about forcibly detaching and becoming detached (an ongoing process) is the realization that I am in control of me. I can control my mind meditating, but I never really felt that I was in control of my emotions outside of this.

Realising that I am in control makes things "easier". I can choose to dwell on what I dont have or I can choose to focus on what I do. It docent make everything rosey, and it doesn't mean I am all good, but it does make things easier. At first it is just small moments of reprieve from being in agony. Then it is enough for you to decide I want more of that good feeling to replace this crap I live with otherwise. YOU choose it, there is nothing stopping you from DOING it, or at least trying to - AND you will fail a lot of the time, be prepared for this and dont punish yourself this. CONTROL-ably tell yourself that you lost this round, but next round you'll do better. I PROMISE YOU TULO - you won't fail every time, you will succeed, more and more.

Further down the track, you should be aiming to "let go". There is no reason you can't be thinking of that now, but it probably won't really happen until you have accepted that he just doesn't want this R. The R is finished. Then you detach emotionally from this (ongoing) and you "let go". This felt more real for me when I could "let go" and it didn't matter where to. Dont get me wrong though. This doesn't occur and then its over. You let go, then its back, you let go again, then its back. It's just like everything else along this road.

Look at Zeus. He is further down this road than what we are. But occasionally it still rears its head. My mum has been D 20+ years, now remarried 2+ years, and she says it still pops up occasionally.

What makes it really hard for me is seeing her moved on so easily/readily. Another thing to let go of.

have a good run

[Tulo]

Sound wonderful with walks by the beach on your lunch. What country are you in? Oz?

I also see that Zeus has come a long way compared to where I am. I know I'll get there, I just don't feel that I'll get there.

I'm only on the newcomers forum at the moment, but wonder about this with NC. They say that it's a way to create space for your self but also for the other person to be able to think and start to miss you.. Has anyone here have that actually work? It feels very unnatural as many has pointe out, but it is the best way to get over someone, I'm sure. But is all this with NC as a way for them to miss us, really just a way to soften up the blow?

I find it easier to cope with this when I talk to him about just ordinary stuff, and if it already is a done deal that we never will get back together maybe I should do what is best for me and let the contact fizzle out instead of turning of cold turkey. He has said he's not going anywhere and that I can call anytime, but I don't want that since I don't want to be a pain to him..

Agh, I'm rambling on and on.. Got a feeling I'm going to have one of those days..

I feel exactly the same as you, how can they just move on so easily when on our end it's so hard?

And I hope the good feeling with being in control will come when I am anyway near any sign of having a shred of it..

One week in from "the talk" and a few more weeks sine trouble first reared it's ugly head. Think I need more time...

Big hug to you from me.. And THANKS for replying!

[Huddy]

Hi Tulo

Just a thought, but why don't you 'unfriend' him on FB? Seems that is one thing a walk away does to show the LBH that they mean business. It could be good for disconnection.

Just a thought. Enjoy your run.

[Tulo]

Hey Huddy,

Yes, I have thought of that but guess I'm a little bit scared of the "out of sight, out of mind" and not on my part but on his..

Going for a run, just waiting for breakfast to settle a bit first.. What are you up to today?

[Matt777]

Tulo -
I've done the exact same FB dance. I'd send a text, see it not answered then see my W as "active now" or active since I sent the text and get sad that I wasn't important. Or see that she was active at 2 AM and wonder if she was talking to someone or just up and bored flipping through it. It drove me crazy.

So I deleted my messenger thread with her, stopped checking that to see her activity times. I deleted the FB app from my phone, but I'll probably put it back on at some point.

All that is to say, we've all been there. And it [censored]. And it hurts. So the only way to make it better is to stop looking at it. Me checking her activity and getting hurt by her not talking to me is something I did to myself. The only outcome of looking at it is me getting hurt - it isn't going to change what she does.

So now, I just imagine she's always "active now" and I don't need to bother with looking at it.

[Tulo]

Hey Matt,

Thank you so much for your reply, I really appreciate it!

I'm driving myself crazy with watching the "active dot" and I think the same.. Is he talking to someone, is he just flipping through it. And it's enough to drive me to the loony bin when I'm not in a good head space. And I realise that it's very destructive, just as you say.

I'm going to try and stop tormenting myself, because I realise that has nothing to do with all that is going on and is just making everything worse. Thank you for your advice!

The rain has stopped and I'm going out to run up a massive hill and when I'm done, I'm sure I feel better.
I hope you have a good day too dear Matt!

Big hug and I'll check your tread when I come back from my run and are huffing and puffing like a big magic dragon!