mlc rut

[25yearsmlc]

AJ, I’m not saying that GAL is bad. I think it just different for some people. When do too much GAL, I actually feel worse. I’m drained out of energy. I have the personality that benefits from time alone. I recharge when I’m alone.

By definition and using the term correctly, "GAL" by is Not doing "too much". GAL is a positive.

Some folks fear GAL, b/c they are stuck, and inertia is easy to embrace.

Some fear GAL b/c they convince themselves their WAS will then think they don't care anymore, b/c pleading and constantly seeking reassurance & being needy, feels intuitively like what is needed, but that is rarely the case.

And some argue against GAL b/c they just resist the concept that anything is truly going to help them, and or that anything is within their control.

Sometimes, that^^ is a symptom of other issues, and it's worth looking at more closely.

Plus, it helps me to work on myself, dig into my issues. I feel like too much GAL is actually similar to MLCer behavior to just distract from internal work. If it makes sense…

"GAL" stands for Getting A Life. Not hyperactively doing busy work or inviting more stress into our lives. I'm not sure if you are arguing about my particular GAL list b/c you feel it would be too much for you personally, which is fine, or if you think I"m challenging others to do what I did. I'm not.

The cold and dark fronts were a big part of why I did what I did, which I said.

It's a lot more GAL than I do now, b/c it was too much for me to keep doing forever.

And I live in a warm sunny place now and I enjoy the company of my h now, too. My need to GAL is lessened,

but I do make myself do more than I "feel like", on an ongoing basis - just b/c Its easy for me to get complacent.


Plus, in my situation, I feel like no matter how much GAL I do, I’m still stuck. Sometime I wonder how much more I need to do to finally feel good.


Dear Bright, hey,
Since I'm not familiar with your GAL or your story's thread, I can't address the point about your feeling stuck, except as I mention below.

I just listed my Alaskan things b/c a lot of people here say they are "too broke" or "too busy" to GAL and really, they're just stuck.

Being stuck can feel less terrifying than moving forward, which could be the root of their "stuckness".

I remind myself that if not changing had lead to tons of happiness for me and h, I'd have stayed stuck. But I was here in DB land, so I was in tremendous pain,

and I came to believe that the pain of Not changing - had to be LESS than the pain of remaining the same.

25yearsmlc, thanks for clarifying some of the points. I get it. Yes, GAL is needed to survive and be alright. And I totally see how hard it would be in Alaska in the winter time. This I can completely understand. I would not feel good in that kind of environment. I need the sun and day light.


Amen! It was not the cold (well, okay -55'F IS damn cold and weird, but you get my point) it was the lack of light.

I was battling a lot of fronts.
-Per psychology books and experience, Depression is usually isolating. So we have to combat that. (Hence my suggestion to those who only do solo actives as
"GAL" to meet new people.)

Paradoxically, we tend NOT to want to go out or "go do something," and we tend to resist meeting new people, when in fact it is just what we need.

I felt the urge to withdraw and "hibernate" in Alaska. Just wanted the 3 years there to pass. I wanted to "make stew" and have a fire, and watch a movie and go to bed, most nights. I could see why the average military wife gained 15lbs per year.

I had to overcome a lot of emotions, resistance & plain old inertia to do any GAL.

Plus the sheer logistics of going out in those temperatures and with whiteout conditions, just to get OUT and do something there - were huge.

...just walking in the woods was stressful b/c of the wildlife. I literally had to carry a gun, which was NEW to me. At first the novelty was exciting but as we heard true stories of bear attacks, not so fun.

So I relate to some of what you say, but you said yourself that you feel stuck. Living up in Alaska was the hardest place I've ever lived, by far. And so it was the hardest I had to work to just be alright...

I don't know what your GAL things are, but maybe I will see that on your thread.



I just want to comment on this:

(and btw, I have rarely seen even a true "MLCer" spin out of control when they'd been truly happy and content in the marriage, before)

Was I a perfect wife? No. I had my issues. I worked on these issue. I’m still working on some of them.


Let me be really clear. I did not make this^^ comment to "assign blame" --period.

I made it to keep our focus on the one and only person we control...OURSELVES.

My concern is If/when we decide the label "MLC" explains all of our spouses choices,

we will NOT grow or change nearly as much as we would have, had we dug deep, and 'bravely looked inward.

By labeling the "wacky MLCer" as such, sometimes it just glosses over our role and serves as a dismissive avoidance of self examination.

Dismissing all the WAS complaints as unreasonable, & all due to their "MLC"

means we will miss out on the chance to get the single upside out of this ordeal - which is the self actualization that only comes from a courageous journey into our behaviors and emotions.

Obiouvsly there are exceptions and no one here, least of all me, is making sweeping generalizations that apply to all. They don't.

Choose what helps and disregard the rest.


I admit my mistakes. However, when it comes to H’s unhappiness in the marriage, I just cannot take the blame.


You don't have to "take the blame" so much as figure out which of your behaviors are Not helping your marriage - and which were/are.

This is a solution based approach to marriage restoration, not a jury that issues a verdict or apportions out guilt.

According to him, the main issue was us arguing about one thing. H thought that he was entitled to have very close relationship with women, especially single women. He could exchange inappropriate texts and pictures, he could flirt, he could invite them to the events with him, while ignoring me. Once in while I would caught him on this and confront him. So, he definitely was not happy with this kind of relationship, because he thought that he should be allowed to do what he wanted and I should just go along with it and keep my cool.


This^^ is a pretty hilarious. description of your marriage. I do have to ask, what would HE say the issues were, if HE were here?

Actually Bright, if I have time maybe I can look to your situation on your thread - and then I can better address your comments.

So, yes, he was unhappy, and he left… to search for a perfect woman who would be like “one of the boys”, with benefits, and also be reliable and loyal. He is still searching for this wonder woman…

pbetra, sorry for the high jack. You have great advice from the vets here. Don’t get me wrong. I believe in GAL and putting focus on yourself.

Here's a tip that irks the heck of some folks here but if you read what I'm writing and NOT what you fear it implies,

you might find that you agree. Just ask and I'll elaborate if something is not clear.

Deal?

Okay, imo, the

best news a spouse can get when seeing a good marriage counselor is that they have some real issues to work on. Yes, that they own some or a lot of the problems within the marriage. I think that is great news and I mean that literally.

Because it means the spouse can do something to improve the situation. They are not powerless.

I think being "wrong" - is a whole lot better than being right, but powerless.

IF we have few or no real flaws to work on, and or feel we already did, that is just so tragic.

It means we are powerless to change anything, b/c we are already as good as it gets for us.

So when h and I go to get a tune up these days, even when we went to Retrovaille way back when I was in so much pain, I wanted to hear about what I Could do to improve our marriage.

Make sense?