That reminds me, in turn, that W will continue to deny the pain she has inflicted and the wrong she has done. She will instead [continue to] blame me for being unreasonable and hostile.
When I think about the events of the A, and any event that happened leading to our D, it seems evident that the marriage could not have been saved. Through the lens of hindsight, it is unequivocally clear that from the moment W began her A she was utterly determined to take him on as a second husband (along the way, she explicitly said that this was her goal) and viewed anything less as "sacrificing [her] happiness." If I had had the knowledge and strength of character to insist that she break it off with him, she would not only have blamed me for destroying that chance for her to be happy, but she would then have been actively looking for the next opportunity so that this time she could "do it right".
I have continued to see the MC by myself, although we just changed from weekly to monthly. In our last meeting she emphasized the importance of accepting powerlessness. There are some things that are unjust, and untrue, that I really and truly will not be able to change. And that stinks.
Tonight is a Saturday night. I decided to stay home by myself. I realized that, of course, W and OM are undoubtedly out on the town, having a great time, and then they're going to come home together and have (BDSM) sex before falling asleep in each other's arms. But that's their life now. Not mine. If I wanted to go out and do things and meet people, I could. And next weekend I most likely will. But there's nothing wrong with being alone. I don't prefer it, and I can't say I really like it, but I don't have to be miserable.
