The divorce papers are finally going to be filed tomorrow. When I contacted W to ask her how she wanted to be served with the papers, she replied with attempts to be friendly-- here's a picture of the cat; would you like free tickets to a museum; my boss has some extra hats you might want. After I didn't reply to these for a while, she asked "Should I even bother?" I declined to take that bait, I declined her offers, and gave her instructions from the lawyer, to which she merely replied "K" and nothing further.
Just that little contact was enough to send me into ruminations for the bulk of today. Nothing new, nothing important, nothing resolute-- just the same thoughts over and over again about how poorly she's treated me, and wondering if she's ever going to understand or even think about how badly she's behaved.
It may be that what makes it so difficult to talk to her is that I don't want to convince myself that she's an awful person, or not worthy of my love, or that somehow I'm better off with her gone, because after all, hardly six months ago I sincerely believed I was going to spend the rest of my life with her, and I was happy about that. She hasn't changed. In fact, I've done enough reflection and analysis to understand exactly how it happened that this situation is a direct result of who I knew her to be and the mental/emotional problems I already knew her to have.
So even though I can see how I no longer have to deal with her mental breakdowns, her emotional crashes, and her verbal lashings, and that I now have the opportunity to find a woman who understands herself better and can therefore understand how to fulfill her commitment to a loving relationship, I won't convince myself to hate W... which means that every time I talk with her I'm going to feel awful about what she's done. Which makes it a good thing that I don't have to deal with her.
Newpand, I read your thread and want to say how sorry I am for what you are going through. I can feel your pain when you describe it. Fortunately, time passes so quickly - and you sound like you have the ability to fill it with work and activities. I applaud all the choices you have made to unfriend her on FB and minimize contact. I think it will enable you to move on faster. You're dealing with the hurt now instead of putting it off.
I wanted to say something about W's attempts at being friendly. I wonder if she's feeling guilty about what she has done and is trying to make friends because then she can say to herself and others that "Oh, we're great friends" to make it look like she hasn't done anything wrong and everyone is fine. She will feel better and not be confronted with anyone's judgment.
In a conversation with H the other day, we ended up talking about 'what if' we don't make it. It was a calm, non-emotional convo, and we are in the middle of working with a therapist to make a go at fixing the M, but H was repeating some of the crazy talk he started since he got involved with OW.
He said warmly and reassuringly that he wanted us to be friends if we divorced. I told him I wouldn't want to be friends with him. He was genuinely shocked and miffed. "Why not?" I said simply that it would be too painful. He said "But you're friends with all your old boyfriends except X". I replied, "Yes, because he cheated on me."
Silence.
'Oh.'
I think this cheerful, superficial and in actuality, very dismissive attitude (but they don't get that) is to a large degree an attempt to deny the pain they have inflicted and the wrong they have done.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
I think you're right on the mark, Painter. After I declined those friendly offerings, W didn't even reply to the further instructions I sent her regarding the divorce papers (case number, location of server-process office)... but she contacted me one more time to wonder if she could buy me some cherries (my favorite summertime snack). To which I said no thank you. But the attitude is exactly what you say-- if we could still be friends, then she will get to believe that her decisions were trivial and resulted only in happiness for all.
That's a great punchline to your story, that the one you're not friends with is the one who cheated. It actually helps me to hear that; I still had some faint glimmer of an idea that there was some reason I should expect we could be friends (very, very faint) and reading what you wrote reminded me of how badly I've been treated-- she used her adultery to *punish* me-- and no, friends don't traumatize friends.
Let me share what my STBX's sister said about the A (she is a doctor) in a conversation between the both of them.
"When you decided to go that route. You burned bridges with him. Just like you burned bridges with dad (her father). Go ahead and divorce, you'll be fine."
That reminds me, in turn, that W will continue to deny the pain she has inflicted and the wrong she has done. She will instead [continue to] blame me for being unreasonable and hostile.
When I think about the events of the A, and any event that happened leading to our D, it seems evident that the marriage could not have been saved. Through the lens of hindsight, it is unequivocally clear that from the moment W began her A she was utterly determined to take him on as a second husband (along the way, she explicitly said that this was her goal) and viewed anything less as "sacrificing [her] happiness." If I had had the knowledge and strength of character to insist that she break it off with him, she would not only have blamed me for destroying that chance for her to be happy, but she would then have been actively looking for the next opportunity so that this time she could "do it right".
I have continued to see the MC by myself, although we just changed from weekly to monthly. In our last meeting she emphasized the importance of accepting powerlessness. There are some things that are unjust, and untrue, that I really and truly will not be able to change. And that stinks.
Tonight is a Saturday night. I decided to stay home by myself. I realized that, of course, W and OM are undoubtedly out on the town, having a great time, and then they're going to come home together and have (BDSM) sex before falling asleep in each other's arms. But that's their life now. Not mine. If I wanted to go out and do things and meet people, I could. And next weekend I most likely will. But there's nothing wrong with being alone. I don't prefer it, and I can't say I really like it, but I don't have to be miserable.
Another early-warning signal that the marriage could not have been saved: W never, not once, not even from the beginning, showed any remorse. Only guilt.
This was epitomized in an incident I don't think I've mentioned here. On a particular morning, I broke down bawling worse than I ever had (before or since, at any time of my life). I don't remember the exact trigger, but I think this was a day not too long after W had said she wanted to bring OM with us on our wedding-anniversary vacation. W expressed sympathy, petted me, and-- once I gathered myself together enough to sit in a chair instead of lying fetal on the floor-- curled up in my lap, seeming ever so unhappy for me. And as she nuzzled into me, she said something like I'm sorry you feel so badly, and "you should do what you have to do to stop this pain." I knew what she really meant (i.e., divorce her), but I replied "Oh, you mean I should write to [OM] and tell him to stop all contact with you?"
She practically leapt off of my lap. She stalked to the opposite side of the room and looked sidelong at me with unveiled contempt and anger. All pretense at sympathy vanished. And she maintained her hostile attitude for the rest of that day. She wasn't interested in my feelings. She just wanted to stop feeling guilty.
W-- or, I suppose, STBX-- is not still in my life. She moved out on April 1, and since then we connected once to share closing thoughts (my "friends don't traumatize friends" speechifyin') and again for me to tell her how to get the D papers. After I turned down her overtures of friendliness, there has been zero contact, and I expect that will continue.
TenBook, I don't know if I can suggest meaningful advice, exactly, but I can tell you what strategies I'm using. It helps immeasurably that she has moved out. If she were still "living here" (I put that in quotes because, as I think mentioned, she only spent 4 of the 33 days prior to moveout actually here, with the other 29 using OM's place as home) then I am sure it would be nigh-impossible to avoid that broken, defeated feeling, because I would be (and was) constantly reminded of her abandonment of the place where she belonged. But because she is gone, and I have completely removed even the smallest suggestion of her-- all her belongings, all the art she acquired, even the kitchen utensils that she used and I didn't-- and because I have unfriended her on Facebook, the only thoughts I have of her are the ones that I allow myself to think, and not the ones that are forced on me.
And when I keep myself busy, I don't think about her. This was in fact a marital problem when she was here. She needed Quality Time to feel loved, and I was constantly working on some project or another. I have no shortage of activities to keep myself busy, whether here or at home. I have three scientific manuscripts that need to be finished, a new book to write, audiobooks to record, two books to revise, two theater projects to work on, a film audition to produce, acting classes to teach, an apartment to clean up, and (of course) a job to hunt for. And that's just all the stuff I can do here at home. Once I look outward at the activities I could participate in, and the places I could go (even just by myself), it's pretty obvious that I could be busy pretty much 24/7 if I wanted to. And I know for certain that keeping myself busy in those ways feeds my ego and keeps me happy.
Which means that if I find myself idle, feeling broken and defeated, depressed about her having a great time and exciting sex with OM, I remind myself that I am choosing to succumb to these feelings. There's no denying that it's the worst hurt ever (I understand now why the Bible makes moral equivalence between adultery and murder), and I have no shortage of complaints about her awful behavior and moral failure, but that battle is lost. She is gone. And I've got work to do.
Fortunately, time passes so quickly - and you sound like you have the ability to fill it with work and activities. I applaud all the choices you have made to unfriend her on FB and minimize contact. I think it will enable you to move on faster. You're dealing with the hurt now instead of putting it off.