If she calls crying again, do I just let her cry? What do I say? How will I know that she is sincere?
I actually talked about this very thing in one of my threads, b/c it is not uncommon for the WW. I am going to say something here about validation, and I don't want to be misunderstood by anyone b/c I know Wonka has a thread about validation. I am a firm believer in a time for everything, and I think there are times the LBH is too quick to "validate" when he should STFU. It is fine to listen to what she has to say, but this was the time to keep quite and not assure her of anything. LBH'S want to jump in and not only over-validate to the point of a$$ kissing, but they want to also tell her again how he still is willing to work on the M. This is not the time for either one. This is the time that she could realize she is losing her H!! But the minute he starts with the validating, she fails to reach that threshold b/c he jumped in to soothe her feelings.
A lot of men do not know how to validate, and I think that may have inspired Wonka with the cheat sheet to help out. I am concerned that a lot of LBH'S still don't get it, and mess up by over-killing when they should just keep their lips sealed. Know what I mean?
She may or may not call again for more ego food, depending on how the A goes. Even if OM is through with her, it doesn't mean she is over him....plus she will have to go through withdrawals. If they work together, how successful will that be? But anyway, if you get another opportunity, you need to play hard to get. Only, don't just play it. If she ever reaches the point of wanting to get back together, it will be b/c she thinks you are slipping through her fingers. This is what I try to get you guys to see!
Instead of reassuring her of how interested you are in her pity party, you need to pull back and leave her with the impression she waited too long and is giving too little. She will realize she has to step up her game if she expects you to care that she is hurt over OM! I mean seriously, that is why she called, b/c she had been jilted.
So, let her cry and have her pity-party while you listen. If you are looking for some idea of what to say, how about Starsky's line? "Yes, this has been very difficult for everyone". That should be a truth dart aimed at her heart. Not to enter into the blame game or to have a relationship talk, or anything else. Another example would be to say, "There are no winners in this type of situation". " I wish I could believe what you are saying". Something along those lines. If she gets defensive, asks what you mean by that statement, tell her nothing. Do not explain yourself. remember, she called "you". At any point in her emotional spill she becomes angry or disrespectful, you tell her this is not the time to talk, while she's angry.
Don't misunderstand and think I am telling you to be icy cold, sound hateful or cruel, etc. Speak with gentleness (as long as she is not getting riled). This is not the time to preach, pay back time, or snide remarks.
The reason I say not to misunderstand is b/c I think you misunderstand the detaching concept. You think it is the same as ignoring her. Some men think it means to act cold or mad, or to be physically detached. Neither are correct. Detaching is a mental attitude. It is when your emotions about her do not rule your life. It is about having a life independently from her. You should not depend on M to identify who are as a person, or to take the place of everything and everyone else. It is about having the emotional ability to be her in her presence and not completely ignoring her, b/c it doesn't bother you. You don't get excited if she calls, or depressed if she doesn't call. You don't make decisions based on how those decisions will affect your wayward W's feelings (good or bad). It means you aren't worried about what she may think you mean by whatever you do. Go back and read the detaching link Cadet posts on newcomer's threads.
Once when I was trying to explain detachment, I used the word "indifference", but that's not a very good word to use. Think about the popular school football player and a girl, who has a wild crush on him, wants to get his undivided attention. Picture him standing around talking to his buddies when this girl walks up to group and tries to join in. If she says something directly to him, he looks at her and is polite with few as words as possible.......then immediately he turns his attention back to his buddies as though she had zero affect on him. Do you know how this affects her? As long as he keeps his cool, she will see it as a challenge. But if he starts following her around, she'll quickly lose interest, b/c he was too easy to wrap around her finger.
Have I answered your questions, or confused you more?
In every case I can remember at the moment, where the WW called out of blue and with the whole crying scene.......it was purely for her own selfish reasons. Even if she uses words like "sorry" and how she's "made a mess out of things", it does not mean she is remorseful. I have never seen it happen that way, or that easily. She has to suffer more loss and the remorse comes slowly. She has to go through a process. If you handle things correctly, you will not jump at every little incident from her. How will you know when she really means what she is saying? Her actions matches her words. In the meantime, you don't rush and don't push it. And, don't get flustered and worry that she may "reach out" to you and you push her away. Yes, I am expecting you to say that next.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
